AIBU or am I just being PFB?(129 Posts)
Went round to MILs this evening and she asked us if we want to go out for a meal for her mum's birthday in a few weeks time.
She then said she'd book the table for 7.30. As there's a few of us going, and the place we're going isn't exactly particularly speedy, this will mean the whole thing is a long drawn-out affair so we probably wouldn't be finished until 9.30 at the earliest.
We have a 3 week old baby and I'm trying to establish some sort of half-decent bedtime routine with him so that we can all try and egg some sleep.
I said it was a little bit too late and could we do it any earlier because I'm the one who has to deal with DS in the night when he's unsettled.
MIL said no because she's going out in the day and 'needs time to get ready'.
DP said okay we'll bring the pram in and he can sleep in that while we're eating. I said I don't want him getting over tired which is what will happen if he gets passed round a table of people. MIL then said I was being precious and that I couldn't stop people having a cuddle of him.
AIBU not to want to take my baby out on an evening or am I just being precious?
PFB - relax and go out for dinner. You won't have that chance when PFB turns into an energetic runaround toddler.
Baby will be 5/6 weeks by then? You might feel much more amenable to an evening out. If not, plead sickness, pack everyone else off and enjoy the peace and quiet.
joysmum I was referring to the MIL accusing the OP of being precious - anyone is entitled to their opinion but MIL was out of order actually saying so. And personally I find the "pfb" label really demeaning and unhelpful. But perhaps for another thread ...
I agree with a risk assessment, however I question how well anyone does these at 3 weeks postpartum. I also would add that for us a risk assessment would include the fact we hardly can ever afford a proper meal out, so having to drop and run in the middle of a $100 meal (for 2) is unappealing. Having had to bolt expensive meals/take cold & now soggy food home in doggy bags a few times now I think I'd take a babysitter and a meal out I can actually enjoy any day. Birthdays are every year, it doesn't hurt to miss out for a bit while babies are small.
I've had similar pressures. Your baby is tiny and your say is final. A bit of routine can be just as much for the parents as the baby at this stage and helps you know when you might hope to get some rest. If you want to stay home and dry with the baby I wouldn't blame you one bit )
for those who say "the baby can't be in a routine at this age," of course it can. Now, this might not mean that the baby is in its own routine where it always sleeps from x o'clock until y o'clock, never waking unless it is in a certain environment, but it is perfectly possible, if the op has a baby who settles well in certain circumstances e.g. in a crib in a darkened room, that settling the baby in this way every night ensures that A, the op has some more op time in the evenings, and B, the baby gets some decent sleep and is not unsettled later at night.
There are plenty of people on mn who say that "my baby will only sleep if he is being cuddled/held/driven down the m25," and nobody argues with those people, they tell them to just do what it takes if it means the baby sleeps. So why are people whose babies sleep better in a quiet unstimulated environment expected to change their expectations/routines to accommodate others?
And if being out means the baby is more unsettled at night it's not the mil who is going to be dealing with it in the middle of the night.
"it's only one night," not if the op is up every other night doing night feeds so is sleep deprived anyway, and this means that she's going to be getting even less sleep than she usually does.
Nfw would I have taken my baby out at that age, or passed him around to all and sundry. Anyone who felt the need to criticise me for that would have been free to do so.
There are lots of things which can be construed as gently pfb. Not wanting to go out with a three week old baby and then expecting it to be passed around a dinner table and to then go home to a 4 AM screaming session is not one of them.
People who have these expectations clearly are actually not thinking about the baby or the op, but themselves.
Well joysmum. Instead of making the division between those who can or can't do how about making the division between those who know and respect their babies and those who make no changes to their life and just drag their babies along with them? Neither of these are helpful in my opinion, in fact they are both unhelpful judgements on women who are using their own knowledge of themselves and their babies to decide what is best. She is a new mum with a screamy baby who doesn't want a bad night. She doesn't need a risk assessment just to trust her own intuition and not have people spouting crap about her being no can do and failing to do risk assessments.
The baby will still be really young! I don't think it's good to plan things, maybe wait till closer the time and see how the baby is then, again, it's unfair to say op is BU as some babies just cry and cry and cry. Not exactly a fun night out for anybody!
The baby is 3 weeks old now so won't be 3 weeks old in a few weeks time when this is happening.
A can do attitude isn't about success or failure, it's about trying your best and at least giving it a go.
You look at a situation, you figure out ways how best to make it work and get on with it. If it doesn't work out you come home again but at least you've tried.
Those who don't have a can do attitude don't even bother trying just in case it doesn't work out. How life limiting and not a great example to set to children as they grow up.
Of course that doesn't always mean doing things, but it does mean doing a risk appraisal and asking yourself what's the worst that can happen? In this case, they go, if the baby doesn't settle then one or both of them takes the baby home again, big deal! It's worth it to the baby's father and his (and the baby's) family so the OP should be at least giving it a go imo.
Wow loads of you are so lucky having portable babies at that age. At 3 weeks old DS just screamed constantly and barely slept a solid two hours at a time. It was colic we think but it just goes to show not all babies are easy at that age. We didn't have a night out till he was about 2 and a half months old!
I meant a baby who wakes every hour in a new environment whereas will sleep okay at home.
To all those people praising themselves for their marvellously can do attitudes, perhaps you could stop being self congratulatory for long enough to realise babies are people. That means they are different from o e another. That means they react to the same situation differently. Some babies will scream and protest in a situation whereas others wdon't. Some will keep to their same patterns in a new situation others won't. Having a screaming baby makes social occasions no fun and impossible as you can't hear what anyone is saying anyway. Having a baby who wakes every hour and is difficult to settle each time he wakes makes going on holiday no real fun. It is tough enough having a sensitive baby without having people judge you from a self congratulatory but utterly, utterly ignorant position.
The title of the thread is asking AIBU or PFB? If somebody is asking if they are being precious, nobody is out of order to say yes
Interestingly, the general concensus is either precious or YANBU with very few people suggesting the OP is BU.
Pianodoodle Try reading what you quoted . It's the parents attitudes that form the attitude of a child, and their attitude as an adult. You mentioned babies, I didn't for precisely that reason.
Your missing a trick here - at that age they're so portable and sleep lots so you can have a peaceful meal. Give it a few months and you'll wish you'd gone out every night for a meal!
And you can always leave early.
Arrive with baby in a sling and no one will question you about gettin baby out, they will all comment about how comfy baby looks and with any luck, baby will sleep right through the event. Practise a bit before hand and you might even be able to feed baby in there too. People always thought my sling (a moby) looked so complicated they never wanted me to get baby out as they thought it would be such a faff. It wasn't, it was so simple, but I never told them that. I got to keep baby just where they needed to be. They don't need to be passed round a table full of people when they are so tiny.
Everyone who is saying how portable babies are do not know YOUR baby. Only you know how your baby is. I've currently got a sleeping one month old on my lap, that has just finished screaming the house down during 'witching hour' which occurs every evening from about 7pm until anytime up to midnight. It was only until 9.35pm tonight.
There is no way I want to be anywhere other than in my PJs sitting on my bed whilst this happens.
You don't know how your baby will be in few weeks time. Tell you MIL your DH will go and you will see how your baby is nearer the time.
And if you want to start a routine at 3 weeks then do try it. How you care for your baby is entirely up to you.
Ps your MIL should not speak to you like that!
I personally wouldn't go, I think you're just getting used to each other and can see why it's unsettling.
Saying, that, they are very portable at that age.
It is your decision though. Either go and just accept everyone will want cuddles, or don't go.
DP can go if he wants. He isn't going to be up several times a night with the baby.
If it's too late for you and/or the baby, you are perfectly entitled to say no thank you and give it a miss. It' s not at all precious to put your baby first; when you're exhausted from all the broken nights , it isn't at all precious to say that actually it's too late for you.
If they were all that desperate that the baby should be at the meal then they should have arranged it for a time that would better suit the baby.
You know, what it all boils down to is this: do you want to go? If you do, and are willing to take the potentially disturbed night to follow, stick the baby in a car seat or sling and have a good time. It's also up to you if you allow people to
drool all over have a cuddle with him.
If it all sounds like a right faff and you're tired and fed up and all those other perfectly reasonable things we all feel with a baby that new, then play your "new mother" card and stay home.
Haven't read all the replies, but...
...put the baby in a sling and wear him all evening. He'll probably sleep - and anyone wanting a cuddle will have to rip the wrap from you and prise him from between your norks...
I did this with DD2 at about the same age. It was my book group in a pub down the road. I figured it was fine, since the smoking ban. Hardly anyone noticed her, except those hoping - in vain - for a squeeze. I used a Kari-me. It really emphasises mother-and-baby as one unit. One thing I hated, with my first-born, was needing to hold her and no bugger would give her back to me...
i wouldn't expect them to organise their night around my baby but in this situation i probably would not have went. i was still exhausted in the first couple of months, my dd didn't sleep well at all, and getting to sleep early every night was crucial for me to keep sane. you have to think of yourself too.
Those with a can do attitude are going to have a greater success rate if raising a more adaptable child who will grow into a more flexible and adaptable adult with a can do attitude, that's my beliefs anyway
I'm loving all these babies with "can-do" attitudes.
All my 4 week old does is lie about eating and occasionally shitting himself.
He hasn't been to enough social gatherings obviously
StopSquabbling, actually I care very much when I'm the one up at 4 am trying to settle my screaming baby.
A 3 week old baby can't have a routine, and will be able to sleep in a pram by the table. Of course you can deny everyone having a cuddle with the baby when it's sleep time!
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