Has DH listened or should I be worried

(26 Posts)
HadABadDay2014 Sat 08-Feb-14 22:51:27

It was make or break so 6 months or so we had a major discussion.

I told him I didn't feel valued he doest do anything for me and I felt like the fun had gone out of our relationship.

So fast forward to today, he has shaped up and the last 5 months or so have been great, just the usual arguments over housework and what to have to eat.

Made time for us, making me a coffee, suggesting I go and have a sleep when looking tired and the small things

I am kind of feeling that any day this will stop and we will just revert back to me doing it all.

PeriodFeatures Sun 09-Feb-14 23:26:26

God, you sound really flat and low. I hope you feel better soon flowers is there some part of you that doesn't feel particularly fulfilled?

It sounds like your fear that your DH will revert back to being inattentive is masking that fact that even after a positive change you still aren't happy.

notmyproblem Sun 09-Feb-14 23:05:35

Counselling, OP. Your problem here is not your DH but you. You need to find out why you feel inferior and work on yourself to become a happier person. You deserve it, and it will make you happier in the long run to become a less anxious, more confident person who feels equal in her relationship.

10 years with one person, the only relationship you've ever had, means that you probably don't have a lot of perspective on this kind of stuff apart from what you've seen growing up. That's not a bad thing, but seeing a good counsellor will unlock your inner worries and issues and help you overcome them to become stronger.

Good luck.

redexpat Sun 09-Feb-14 21:44:34

I think you both need to work out your love language. The theory: peopleshow love in the way in which they want to receive it. I want DH to do nice thoughtful things for me (acts of service), he wants physical affection. You have to 'talk' the other person's language or they won't hear what you're saying.

You see it on MN threads ALL THE TIME. Someone comes along and says I always put time and effort into present buying, this other person just buys me any old tat and thinks I should be grateful (that's acts of service again, and giving gifts). Some posters say you are being ungrateful accept what you are given, others say it's the thoughtfulness that counts with gifts.

Your DH sounds as if he has taken on board what you said. Perhaps if you were more secure in communicating your love for him then the anxiety would go away? Or is that too simplistic?

You can both take the test and read more about it here: www.5lovelanguages.com/

Littleen Sun 09-Feb-14 21:35:45

I know how you feel! Constantly expecting positive changes to revert back to old habits, due to anxiety and a built in habit of being negative. This is soemthing you have to work through on your own (counselling for anxiety?) and not bother your OH with, as he's clearly doing what you asked him to do smile I don't think you have any reason to be worried at all, but that doesn't help much when it's your default response.

It sounds like you have a good relationship and both appreciate and value each other - I'm sure your other half knows you do your best. I think the issue is with yourself rather than in your relationship, and you could benefit from some counselling to work through the issues (also from things with your own dad) to have a happier life and an even happier relationship.

Good luck!

HadABadDay2014 Sun 09-Feb-14 15:06:38

It does, I kind of know why it's to do with my upbringing.

My dad was the head of the family, my mum would cook him better meals, he had his dinner first watched what he wanted on TV and generally he came first iykwim.

It still is alien to me that DH treats me as his equal.

Bluestocking Sun 09-Feb-14 04:29:50

OP, it sounds as though you don't feel as though you deserve your DH, or to be treated as an equal in the relationship. Does that ring true, and if so, why might that be?

MsAspreyDiamonds Sun 09-Feb-14 03:39:09

Do you think counseliing will help you with your anxiety? It might help put things into perspective if you talk it through with a therapist as the last thing you want is your anxiety wrecking your relationship.

HadABadDay2014 Sun 09-Feb-14 01:08:43

Mrs that does make sense.

I really want our relationship to work, I love him so much.

Sorry - I don't think I was very clear, I didn't mean to suggest in anyway that you should do more housework. I don't think it is a case of doing more. The things you are listing are chores which most people do because somebody has to do them. Please don't give yourself more chores - it sounds like you do plenty.

Reading your OP, it sounds like you are worried that he does nice things for you out of a sense of duty rather than because he wants to do them.

Perhaps he worries that you do things for him because you have to, rather than because you want to.

Are there any little kindness you could to reciprocate the little kindnesses he has been trying to do for you? I know I feel uncomfortable when people do nice things for me and I can't see a way of repaying the kindness - it makes me feel guilty about accepting their gesture and it also makes me suspect their motive (what are they getting out of it?)

Please ignore me if I am barking up the wrong tree entirely.

AgentZigzag Sun 09-Feb-14 00:58:56

Is there anything that's made you think he's not happy?

I can't see anything on the thread that suggests he is, you sound as though you're still insecure from the problems 6 months ago. Has it knocked you more than you thought?

If he wanted you to do more for him, perhaps if he was struggling, surely he'd ask?

It's possible to twist any kind of situation/interaction into there being a problem, I do it successfully all the time grin but until you see real concrete things, assume everything's OK (mostly, I'd never advise anyone to trust things 100%, that'd be naive)

HadABadDay2014 Sun 09-Feb-14 00:52:29

I always thought that I was.

I do everything for DH, from his laundry to cooking him
Meals, doing his packed lunch, running a bath ect.

Perhaps I should do more.

Perhaps find a few small things you could do for him to make him happy - so you both feel you are contributing to the relationship.

HadABadDay2014 Sun 09-Feb-14 00:38:34

Wise words.

AgentZigzag Sun 09-Feb-14 00:33:00

Him changing the way he is to be more considerate sounds to me like he loves you, agree with the other posters that 5 months is a lot more than you'd expect if he was putting it on. Three weeks tops that would be.

He's doing things he knows will make you happy and you want to return it and make sure he's happy.

That's win/win surely?

Just leave out the anxiety bit whispering to you not to trust him/your luck, it can be good and keep on being good, just because you've had a run of good it doesn't mean you're due a bad patch, it doesn't work like that.

Everything will be OK smile enjoy it and actively think I'll cross the bridge worrying about things when I come to it, until then I'm going to enjoy the peace and quiet.

HadABadDay2014 Sun 09-Feb-14 00:32:57

I hope so.

We have been together 10 years and it's my 1st relationship, the only person I have ever had sex with. Sometimes I feel I am not good enough.

FoxesRevenge Sun 09-Feb-14 00:06:32

Maybe acknowledge his efforts so that he realises they've not gone unnoticed. If he thinks you're happy I imagine it will make him happy too.

HadABadDay2014 Sun 09-Feb-14 00:03:29

Perhaps i do need to relax a bit. I will talk to him but how do I go about it without sounding like all his efforts are not worth it.

FoxesRevenge Sat 08-Feb-14 23:56:32

Keep talking to him. If you stop communicating that's when the problems start. There's no point second guessing, just talk to him, ask him if he's happy. He might be stressed thinking you're about to jump ship.

ENormaSnob Sat 08-Feb-14 23:54:57

Hes been brewin up.for 5 months?

Think its your anxiety talkin tbh.

HadABadDay2014 Sat 08-Feb-14 23:44:49

I really don't want to loose him.

I I happy that he is trying but I do wonder if he is happy, I don't want expensive presents or romantic weekends away. I'm happy with a packet of chocolate biscuit and a cup of tea while watching a film. Time together is worth more than anything.

I know for DH it's gaming. I just want him to be happy and to make me happy.

meganorks Sat 08-Feb-14 23:33:37

It seems a pretty negative view to be moaning that your DH has listen to what you said and is trying to work at your relationship but your not happy because he might not keep it up!? Are you also working at the relationship? Were you hoping he wouldn't respond so you could end it? Sounds like your DH can't win!

HadABadDay2014 Sat 08-Feb-14 23:23:20

I really don't know, I do suffer from anxiety and I do tend to think negitive.

Iwannalaylikethisforever Sat 08-Feb-14 23:20:14

What's making you ask?

Cranky01 Sat 08-Feb-14 22:56:11

5 months is a long time to keep things up

Cranky01 Sat 08-Feb-14 22:55:48

Sounds like he's making an effort, but often things do return to normal.

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