to despise MIL because of all this? LONG

(72 Posts)
22honey Sat 08-Feb-14 19:13:17

This may be long. To put it short, I've never thought much of future MIL as a mother. She has been an alcoholic her entire life, never takes responsibility for anything (got 2 dogs for the kids when they were young, when kids moved out said she didnt want them and left them to rot in her house while she went out getting pissed, barely fed them, never walked them and when we moved in they were a state which I had to sort out, feeding and walking them everyday, as an animal lover this infuriated me!), never worked, had loads of kids and just sat on benefits her whole life having pissheads in her house drinking. She encourages OH's brother to drug deal and has even tried it with OH in the past. She is extremely emotionally immature, passive aggressive and needy. She relies on her kids emotionally and plays silly mind games and gives the silent treatment if they dont bend to her whims. Me and OH are in our early 20s and expecting our first baby.

To put it blunt, she dragged DP and his brothers and sisters up. She goes out getting drunk all day then comes home at night passive aggressively ranting about rubbish. We lived at hers for a while, we were manipulated to moving in as MIL was never there (she was busy at the time living with pregnant SIL and her BF trying to interfere in their relationship) and we were of the opinion we'd be staying here alone. This is what we were told, and we gave up stupidly our own nice rented house to move here. Obviously that changed and MIL came back, brought another SIL who has serious emotional and addiction problems (this is what Il eventually get onto) with her and turned the house into a pisshead's drunk den even having the cheek to invite two strange blokes over for a few days to get drunk whilst I HAD NO BEDROOM DOOR! OH was absoloutely furious but the control freak MIL is he was told he now doesnt have a say despite being told when we moved here it would be like our house. Again it was just one of MIL's manipulation tactics to get OH to move home so she could try and get him to pander to all her emotional needs.

Before anyone says it I am grateful despite the fact in 30 years her run down council house has never been refurbished or had anything done to it, is an utter craphole like a doss house and the entire house hasnt ever had any flooring. No bedroom doors were on the house since DP was a teenager- MIL thinks this is normal! She also thinks its normal to have a doors open to anyone policy which is utterly awful and chaotic to live with.

She has treated me with a lot of passive aggressive disrespect whilst I have been at hers, she sat on my dog squashing it whilst drunk and refused to move, she is always coming out with pathetic comments like to shoot my cat even though she said we could bring the pets here!! I honestly cannot stand to be around her.

She is a nightmare and DP agrees, such as she tries to make it a competition between me and her and puts DP on the spot such as for example if there is tea being made DP will always bring me mine first (he puts me first in everything!) and his mother sits there and goes 'Oh is it favouritism now!' and 'So she comes before your own mother!' and each time DP has to be in the situation of saying 'Yes, she comes first everytime'. I too feel awkward given the look on MIL's face when she has to be told.

However, the reason I hate her runs much deeper, something I only found out about 3 months ago. Now don't get me wrong, I have sympathy for MIL and know she has had a bad time in life. But IMO there is just no excuse ever for this. Basically oldest SIL whos in her 30s was sexually abused by her GF from being 5 years old. This came about because MIL left her in his care alone whilst she WENT OUT GETTING DRUNK. Now, of course if MIL hadnt known her father was a dangerous paedophile this would have been different but MIL knew full well because years later when SIL finally spoke up about it (he went to prison for it eventually) all MIL could do was play the victim and say 'it happened to me' whilst crying and trying to gain sympathy (it also happened to her siblings however none of them were so irresponsible and selfish as to leave their kids with the guy). Well I'm sorry but is that any excuse for not taking responsibility for your own child and leaving them alone with someone you knew was a violent paedophile for years just so you COULD GET DRUNK?

SIL is in a really bad way emotionally, mentally, she is incredibly ill and tbh probably won't live till 45. MIL takes no responsibility whatsoever and when SIL has tried to talk to her she merely plays the victim that it happened to her. Well yes, I am sorry for that truly but that doesnt negate the fact YOU were the adult with the responsibility of protecting your child and you didn't do that because you wanted to go out socializing. It makes me utterly sick tbh.

Im sorry but AIBU for really hating MIL for this and thinking she is truly the epitome of a shockingly awful mother? I havnt said this to DP as dont want to upset him and he already knows I dont like his mother. He was brought up to never question or criticize his mother (no wonder given how truly awful she is!) and I can tell he feels guilty when he has too and it makes him angry. DP only found out about SIL etc when I did. It was hidden from him and only him (hes the youngest) his entire life, and the bitter side of me just thinks so he'll go on thinking MIL is a bloody saint which she is far from.

Not to mention MIL has no self awareness whatsoever and seems to think shes the best mother in the world because she spat out loads of kids and amazingly they all made it to adulthood. Well yes she did but she did a shocking job bringing them all up, never did anything whatsoever to try and improve any of their lives and merely wallowed in self pity her entire life expecting her kids to pick up the pieces. I would rather take advice from someone who had less kids but actually did a decent job of bringing them up.

I could go on forever about how awful, sly and manipulative she is but this is getting long now. Am I wrong for despising MIL for all this and feeling I don't want her having too much contact with my child when its born?

MIL is also always bitching about all her kids partners behind their back, she hates that anyone else has taken their attention off her. She is also the kind of person who does little 'favours' for people due to having ulterior motives and wanting you to feel you are in debt to her. Her behaviour is not normal for a mid 50s woman.

She is really unsuitable but I dont want to offend DP saying she can't look after the child alone when its born, but tbh I really dont want her too. He knows she is a nightmare and is an alcoholic but I think it hurts him, he has a hard time critisizing her and will make excuses for her when he can (which isnt often as her behaviour is so awful and plain to see manipulative and immature). She sees all her kids and grandkids as an extension of herself rather than their own people and DP and his siblings have several noticeable character flaws due to being brought up in her chaotic, alcoholic household. I will add MIL and FIL arnt together anymore, she hates him and slates him as a father (she is no better!). He is a heroin addict but is a nice man in general and isnt in denial like she is and doesnt encourage his kids to drug deal and never work like she does.

MIL's victim mentality mindset has really brainwashed most of her kids all through the years, the mindset inflicted on them is that their mother can do no wrong, is to be absolved from all criticism and it there to be looked after like a baby. DP quite frankly is sick of it and the chaos and we can't wait to move out.

quietlysuggests Sat 08-Feb-14 19:21:00

Your MIL has a severe personality disorder.
Distance is your friend.
Stop involving her in your life.
Don't ever leave your child alone with her.
Stop spending time with her.
No more cups of tea in her house.

22honey Sat 08-Feb-14 19:22:31

I have to add I was raped and molested myself when a child (not as young as 5) and the first thing I thought when I think about the upbringing of my child is I will do anything possible in all my power to prevent anything like that happening to my child. I'd do anything.

So the fact MIL uses her own experience as a way to absolve herself of any responsibility for allowing a known paedophile access to her child makes me fucking sick (sorry for the swearing).

Scrounger Sat 08-Feb-14 19:22:42

When are you moving out? Go and don't look back.

I suggest that you ask for this topic to be moved to Relationships, there are a lot of poster on there who can give you advice.

Never, ever leave your child with her (even if your DH is there).

persimmon Sat 08-Feb-14 19:24:33

She is completely irresponsible, selfish and unstable. Of course you can't leave your child with her. You may have to hurt DH's feelings but that can't be helped. Toxic people like this need keeping at (many) arm's lengths.

Yanbu, but you need to move out - and soon. When can that realistically happen?

There is no fucking way I'd leave her in charge of a kiddie, but you need to broach this with dp now. Chances are he's already thought the same

tripecity Sat 08-Feb-14 19:26:18

keep you DC away from this awful woman! Avoid at all cost. Your DC has you to look out for them, you must do this.

Seconding Scroungers advice -get this moved to relationships. Ya so nbu and I think you're going to need ongoing support

Mintyy Sat 08-Feb-14 19:27:18

Honey, is there any way you would consider completely breaking away from this family - ie. splitting with your dp too? - because no good will come of it, I promise you.

MaryWestmacott Sat 08-Feb-14 19:30:34

How quickly can you get out? If you and DP can't go together for a while, can you move out on your own to stay with family/friends?

Just agree with your DP that his mum will never be left alone with the dcs, don't go round there, limit her access to your life. Build a new life without her in it. (In your case, I would be encouraging your DP to apply for jobs in a different part of the country.)

SaucyJack Sat 08-Feb-14 19:30:52

I do think YABU, yes. Why are you and your SIL allowed to be damaged victims, but she isn't?

But it sounds like DP is pissed off with this too - perhaps he just needs someone to say that, actually, it's ok to be pissed off? He is just as much of a victim here too sad

But she is the perpetrator here, at least in part, Saucy sad

SaucyJack Sat 08-Feb-14 19:33:51

But she is the perpetrator here, at least in part, Saucy

Do you honestly think she'd be living the way she does if she hadn't have been abused herself? Cos I really don't.

hickorychicken Sat 08-Feb-14 19:38:32

OP she sounds like my mother, i went NC at 22 best thing i have ever done. My dds will not grow up seeing that shit. I was sexually abused by her partner and when it all came out she made out that she was the victim, although she had enabled me to be in that position while she was on speed and god knows what else. NC NC NC.

hickorychicken Sat 08-Feb-14 19:39:10

Saucy thats no excuse.

MrsOakenshield Sat 08-Feb-14 19:40:51

the OP knows MIL is a victim herself. But she facilitated the abuse of her DDs by leaving them in the care of man she knew was a paedophile. On that score alone she should be in prison.

You are probably going to end up hurting your DP because you cannot, under any circumstances, allow this woman to ever be alone with your child, and you can bet she'll be angling for that from day 1, and wear your DP down.

I would try and move as far away as possible from her.

SingMoreWhenYoureWinning Sat 08-Feb-14 19:41:53

I have had some huge arguments over MIL with dh.

It often amazes me how dh has turned out as he has...he is the way he is despite of MIL, certainly not because of her.

I would also say my dh and his dbro were dragged up, not brought up. MIL is an alcoholic with serious mental health issues (i'm not bashing mental health issues btw...but it just forms part of the overall picture). She is argumentative, totally unpredictable, manipulative and aggressive. She has attempted suicide three times in the past 10 years. Her house is a pit and I feel very uncomfortable with some of the people she socialises with. She also has numerous health issues such as unexplained fainting spells.

Dh's dbro is a lovely, lovely man...very caring, kind, funny. The kids genuinely love him. BUT he's also an alcoholic in denial, has been in and out of police stations since he was 12, and lurches from one life disaster to another. He has such low self esteem I could weep and no sense of self-worth or ambition. I am confident in saying that due to a more sensitive nature, the way he is is likely down to MIL. Dh as a general rule is much less emotional, more laid back and I think found it 'easier' to put up with MIL over the years.

Dh thinks i'm completely ur to not let MIL have the dc alone. He just doesn't see it...to him, the way she is is 'normal' (he does not parent anything like her btw).

He doesn't realise that some of the things he's told me over the years are so shocking...he says 'She's OK, it's just how mum is'.

My answer has always been a categorical NO. We compromise and parent together in everything...but this. I have put my foot down and after one particularly nasty argument many years back told dh in no uncertain terms that if I EVER found out he had left the dc in her care, it would be the end of us. I truly meant it and he knows that.

Don't feel uncomfortable op. Do NOT let this woman look after your child, at any cost. It's not worth the risk.

She probably wouldn't Saucy, and I dread to think what she has gone through in life. But that doesn't mean to say that she has the right to contribute to perpetuating the cycle of abuse. I have every sympathy for her, but op has to look after her dc and herself, in that order.

What's that anedote about boiling a frog or a toad? Put it in boiling water and it will try to escape. Put it in cold water and bring it to the boil and it won't try to escape, it will just boil to death.

Acclimatisation is a remarkable thing.

22honey Sat 08-Feb-14 19:46:35

Saucy, I am not a 'damaged' victim so no idea where you got that from. Im not an alcoholic whos royally fucked up my kids lives so I'd rather not be compared to MIL. I havnt left my baby in the care of my abuser so I can get drunk. Dont dare insinuate I am anything like MIL because I am not.

I would also rather not be around SIL most of the time because of her instability. The fact I feel more sympathy for SIL because her mother could have protected her easily but didnt. My point is MIL was the adult in the situation and didnt and has never behaved as so. I take my responsibilities very seriously thankyou, unlike MIL.

We are moving out within the next two weeks, it is all sorted. I am not breaking up with DP because none of this is his fault and he always takes my side. I feel sorry for him and he has turned out great despite his awful parenting. I'm sure MIL would like to take the credit for that but its in spite of her not because of her.

Wonder if Saucy actually knows the person I am talking about which is why they came out with such a nonsensical comment? Sounds like something someone blinded by MIL's victim mentality act would say.

22honey Sat 08-Feb-14 19:47:34

If it would be better for the thread to move to relationships that would be good.

SaucyJack Sat 08-Feb-14 19:47:46

I wasn't suggesting the OP left her kid with her Foxache!

I just think if you want to hate someone for the chaos the family is in- why not make it the man who raped his own child and grandchild?

It doesn't surprise me in the slightest that all the poor cow wants to do is get drunk.

LizzieVereker Sat 08-Feb-14 19:48:20

What's stopping you from moving out? What do you need to help you get away? Someone on here will have the knowledge to help you. Because you have to go, ASAP, but you know that. Don't expose your baby to this toxic family circle. You sound like you're going to be a great Mum, and babies give you courage that you never knew you had, but you need to act on it now. Hopefully DP will come too, but your baby's more important.

You do sound like a really capable person, OP, you can make the break, just do it. thanks

SingMoreWhenYoureWinning Sat 08-Feb-14 19:48:21

Honey, is there any way you would consider completely breaking away from this family - ie. splitting with your dp too? - because no good will come of it, I promise you

I think that is really harsh. Why should she split with her dp?

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