WIBU to not go to this?

(94 Posts)
notallwhowander Sat 08-Feb-14 16:12:24

First time poster but could really do with some objective opinions as am having a real dilemma over this. My close friend of nine years is getting married in NY in March, just her and DP. They are having a post wedding party in their home town a couple of weeks later. Their home town being roughly 5 hours away for us. Me, DH and three DC's are all invited.

I have an 8 year old, a 19mth old and 3 mth old. Youngest is EBF and feeds pretty much constantly from five in the evening until she goes to sleep at about 10pm. My friend was a bridesmaid at my wedding 2 years ago . She has no children so travelling wasn't really am issue for her. The wedding party is on Mother's Day weekend so the majority of mothers day itself will be spent in the car travelling back.

Due to the fact that:
- five hours each way on a good run is a long journey with such a young baby;
- the majority of my time at the party will be spent breast feeding my youngest whilst DH tries to entertain the other two DCs;
- I will miss spending quality time with my DCs on Mother's Day;

Would I be unreasonable to say we can't attend the party? I am feeling really guilty about potentially not going (especially after friends sister told my best friend in a text that I am unreasonable for not making the effort to go to the hen night, also five hours away. 3mth old has never taken a bottle so leaving her for a weekend is not an option).

I need to RSVP soon. My instinct is to decline but really worried about upsetting friend. WWYD?

RhondaJean Sat 08-Feb-14 16:14:50

My instinct is ywbu not to go.

Can you book into a cheap hotel near there, travel down on the day before and come back the next day?

I don't think YAbu about the hen party though.

CoffeeTea103 Sat 08-Feb-14 16:19:01

I think you really are being unreasonable. You have listed excuses not reasons why you can't go. The fact that your friend had no children and was a bridesmaid to you has no relevance. If she is a good friend to you then you will make every effort to go which seems very doable in this case.
Also Mother's Day is every year and a poor excuse at that! Your friends wedding happens once, keep that in perspective.

emsyj Sat 08-Feb-14 16:21:09

I think it would be unreasonable to prioritise celebrating mothers' day over your close(?) friend's wedding tbh. The fact that you would spend the time at the party breastfeeding is just part of life with a young baby really - it shouldn't stop you making the effort for a friend IMO.

Can you afford to go and pay for the accommodation? If so, I think you should make the effort and go. 5 hours is a long way, but you can do it in stages and stop regularly (or go late evening and do a straight run whilst the children sleep? Never done this myself but I know someone who does this regularly to visit family).

Anydrinkwilldo Sat 08-Feb-14 16:23:34

Eek, I'm afraid I think YABU, is there b&b or something to book into? With all the distraction etc baby may not feed for the full party either.

PeanutPatty Sat 08-Feb-14 16:24:36

YABU.

I went to a wedding with a 3mo and a 23mo. Only difference is it was 45mins away. You can break the journey up.

I would be very hurt if my BFF didn't come to my wedding.

Babies that small are very portable and its possible to discreetly bf. I managed it in a function room of 100+ and during the civil ceremony itself and nobody noticed or cared for that matter.

Go. You will be glad you did.

Littlefish Sat 08-Feb-14 16:25:25

The party is potentially 4 - 6 weeks from now. Your baby may not be feeding in the same way then.

The mothers' day excuse is just feeble in my opinion.

I think that if she is a good friend, you should make the effort to go.

If you are not fussed either way about the friendship continuing, then decline the invitation.

YANBU, if you feel the length of the journey is unmanageable for you.

It wouldn't alter how I felt about a friend if they told me in good time that they felt they couldn't attend due to new baby/distance issues.

Bowlersarm Sat 08-Feb-14 16:28:46

Yes, you would be very unreasonable.

If I was your friend, and you told me those were the reasons you weren't coming, I'd be really really upset.

ballstoit Sat 08-Feb-14 16:29:56

YABU.

I took mine to weddings, parties, holidays, weekends away etc at those ages and ebf.

If you want to do something, you plan a way to do it.

If you don't want to go, don't go, but be honest with yourself and your friend about why.

FrysChocolateCream Sat 08-Feb-14 16:32:49

The mother's day thing is irrelevant IMO. Like someone else said, it hardly compares to a (hopefully) once in a lifetime event.

However, five hours is a bloody long way. I think other posters may have forgotten what travelling with little ones is like. The two little ones would surely not spend that amount of time in car seats. Awful. You would really have to space it out over a day.

I think the only way to do it would be go up the day before and come home the day after. If you can afford it.

I agree too with another poster, the baby may have changed it's habits by then but even if not, you may be sitting feeding in the evening, you can still chat.

It will be hard work and not very relaxing but if you have other friends going and some of it may be fun, I would suggest making the effort. But it will be an effort for sure. smile. I don't think it is fair of other people to minimise it.

If you won't know anyone else and don't think you will enjoy it, I wouldn't go though.

Ilovemydogandmydoglovesme Sat 08-Feb-14 16:34:01

If she's that good a friend surely she's worth the costs of a hotel room for a night?

You're always going to have children. You can't cancel everything because of them.

sebsmummy1 Sat 08-Feb-14 16:34:10

I don't think you are being that unreasonable. You have three children, all of young ages, one being very small. I assume they are all going too? Is there anyway the older too could stay with granny whilst you and your husband and baby go to the wedding?

sebsmummy1 Sat 08-Feb-14 16:34:29

Two

FunkyBoldRibena Sat 08-Feb-14 16:36:27

If you want to go then go. If you don't then don't.

You are an adult and are breastfeeding. Only you know whether you want to go or not.

tackytiger Sat 08-Feb-14 16:37:52

I'm so surprised by the responses. I think yadefinitelynbu OP. But then I'm a very casual friend - I don't expect a lot from anyone. I'd want my friend to prioritise her own family, as I would mine.
I have an EBF 4 month baby as well as a 3 year old and I definitely wouldn't be travelling for 5 hours with them!

Caitlin17 Sat 08-Feb-14 16:39:10

Mother's day is a ridiculous excuse not a reason.

If you can afford to book a hotel or B&B your other reasons don't hold much water either.

Caitlin17 Sat 08-Feb-14 16:41:09

sebsmummy good point-if the older 2 can stay with someone else the baby isn't a problem.

PrimalLass Sat 08-Feb-14 16:43:36

I would go. Your baby might not be feeding that much in a few weeks. Could you leave the other two and just take the baby?

PrimalLass Sat 08-Feb-14 16:44:52

Please don't mention the mother's day thing to her, that's just bollocks. It's just another day and you are being a bit precious to use that one as an excuse.

SirChenjin Sat 08-Feb-14 16:44:59

Given that she's an extremely close friend, then yes - I think you WBU not to go.

Spending quality time with your DCs on Mothers Day (which is a lot of commercial nonsense imo) isn't really a good enough excuse - you'll be spending the whole day with them anyway (albeit in the car), and you could always stop somewhere for a nice lunch and break up the journey.

hoppinghare Sat 08-Feb-14 16:46:29

I have 3 children under 5. One of whom is still breastfeeding. I would not even be considering going. I would only end up spending the evening in the hotel room.

HungryHorace Sat 08-Feb-14 16:47:37

A baby that young can't spend longer than 2 hours in the car seat without a break, so it'll take a lot more than 5 hours to get there factoring in rest and feeding stops.

So I'm not sure I'd want to do it myself, for that reason alone.

It being Mother's Day is irrelevant to be honest.

GreenShadow Sat 08-Feb-14 16:49:42

YANBU for being concerned about a 5 hour drive each way with young children.

YABU for making Mothering Sunday a reason.

Personally I probably wouldn't go because of the travelling, but what would probably decide it either way is whether there would be many other old friends there to catch up with. If I wouldn't know anyone else, then I really wouldn't bother.

SliceOfLime Sat 08-Feb-14 16:49:47

I'm also really surprised by the responses, I think YANBU to not attend a party that's five hours travel away, when you have young children. In your position there is no way I would do this. A party is just a party, wedding or not, it's not like you will never have the chance to see your friend again! When we got married a couple of friends couldn't come to the wedding as they had small babies, couldn't make the journey, etc, I completely understood and was not offended. I think if you send your friend a card or letter to explain (I wouldn't mention the Mother's Day thing as I do think that is not such a big deal) and word it as nicely as possible, that you would love to go to the party but just think the travelling would be so difficult, you wouldn't want to cause any disruption to the party by bringing the kids, you are still bf all evening, etc, that is perfectly reasonable. Maybe also ask her when you could arrange to see her sometime to catch up afterwards just the two of you, so you could hear all about the wedding and the party, see the photos etc, so she knows it's not that you don't want to be there, just a practical issue for you.

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