Crippling jealousy of ex's young, pregnant girlfriend

(145 Posts)
windyvillage Fri 07-Feb-14 01:56:57

This is long, and I know a lot of people will think I'm out of order, but I need a perspective on my problem. My ex and I split up more than 10 yrs ago, I was 20 when we met and 26 when we split, him 4 yrs older, so we did all that growing up together, first home, family ties etc. We broke up but we have always stayed very close friends, in fact I would say he was my best friend. Since then I met someone and we have been together 10 yrs, but my ex never had any other significant partners and we have carried on a good friendship all within a social circle, going on holiday etc. I had a daughter in 2010 and my ex is her godfather and totally loves her. Last year we moved out of the area and I started to have an idea that he was seeing the ex-girlfriend of a male friend of mine who had brought her as a plus one to my daughters birthday parties. When he knew I had an idea of this he said he needed to come over to speak to me, he stayed over (we live miles away)and told me he had been seeing her. I guess the sticking point here is that he is 41, I am 38 and she is 22. That was enough to set me off in internal rages of jealousy. A few weeks later (last november)he said he needed to come to visit again and this time told me she was pregnant. He also told me he thought she had got pregnant on purpose, and that he had hoped at every scan that there would be a problem with the child. Since then he has said that she is asking him why she's not invited when he visits us and can I construct scenarios where we can all meet. to put it mildly I am having trouble getting used to this new scenario after all these years, so I have refused, in honesty I can't even bear thinking of seeing her especially as I am hoping for a second child. Even the fact that she is a teacher is making my blood boil because I work 48 hrs a week away from my dd, and in the future she'll always be with hers in the hols. It doesn't help that she is gorgeous, has never left home, and has moved into the house he owns and so never has to have that struggle with money I had at her age. I also got pregnant at her age but 'it wasn't the right time' for us ie we were totally skint. The thing is I know I sound like a bunny boiler, I know IABU, but how can I get rid of my jealousy and rage?

HeartShapedBox Fri 07-Feb-14 02:04:58

wow.

putting your jealousy aside for a moment, he thinks she got pregnant on purpose and he hoped the scans would show up a medical problem? (so she would terminate the pregnancy, I assume)

surely he had sex with her willingly? therefore, he knew there was a chance of pregnancy?

what a prick your ex sounds.

RaspberryTea Fri 07-Feb-14 02:07:36

he had hoped at every scan that there would be a problem with the child

He sounds lovely. What a catch.

BlackDaisies Fri 07-Feb-14 02:11:16

All I can think is that you are best off out of a relationship with someone who is wishing that about his unborn baby. I think you should distance yourself from your ex, and that he is messing with your emotions. There is no need for him to be visiting you privately after ten years to tell you about his new relationship. Try not to feel jealous, however this looks from the outside, there are obviously huge problems with their relationship. Not that you should take comfort in that, but it sounds like she is actually in a horrible position, not one to be envied. Can you not turn to your own partner and focus on feeling happier in your own relationship? Could you reduce the hours you work to spend more time with your own dd?

Uptheanty Fri 07-Feb-14 02:12:43

Wow, you make a nice couple.

I feel sorry for the poor woman.

DioneTheDiabolist Fri 07-Feb-14 02:16:39

She's 22, pregnant and with your Ex. That was you once.

I don't think that you are jealous of her because she has your Ex, I think that you're jealous because her presence and pregnancy are reminders of your own aging. Also is there a bit of jealousy of your Ex? He is still having the 20 something life.

innisglas Fri 07-Feb-14 02:17:47

Jealousy is a strange irrational thing, but maybe you should look at what there is in your own life that has you so dissatified and how you can change it?

Primafacie Fri 07-Feb-14 02:18:35

As a 22 year old, would you have liked to be dating a 41 year old who 'hopes there's something wrong with the baby'? No? Then you have absolutely nothing to be jealous of.

Poor, poor girl, she is in for a life of misery with your ex. sad

AgnesBligg Fri 07-Feb-14 02:24:04

I agree with Primafacie.

Poor girl.

Enjoy what is yours OP.

MistressDeeCee Fri 07-Feb-14 02:28:35

Another prime example of why it does no good to maintain ties with your ex beyond a hello and friendly chat should you bump into him. On 1 side there's always someone secretly or subconcsiously 'carrying a torch' and it won't be admitted under all the 'we're such good friends/he gets on fab with my DH' ive engineered it that way so I can still be close to him and privy to his life and relationships

I feel sorry for his GF. Starting out in life with a man who's so unhappy with her pregnancy he's talked to his too-close ex about it in very derogatory and insensitive terms. The best thing you can do OP is extricate yourself from this close contact, as hard as that may be. Get on with your life and relationship, leave theirs alone. You will heal in time, although getting there won't be pleasant. The alternative is obsessing, tearing yourself to shreds inside and possibly ruining the life and relationship you have now. If you're feeling excrutiatingly bad then counselling to help you with detachment and closure may be a good thing towards helping you to feel better.

Caff2 Fri 07-Feb-14 02:40:59

Reporting, as I cannot believe that anyone thinks like this.

Robfordscrack Fri 07-Feb-14 02:51:00

you don't really factor your partner into this. Sounds like you want to be with your ex.

mynewpassion Fri 07-Feb-14 02:56:26

Right, jealous of what? I would feel more sympathy and pity for the GF than jealousy. Your friend sounds like a twat. If he didn't want her to get pregnant, use a fucking condom.

I hope he will not dodge his responsibilities, especially the financial ones.

mynewpassion Fri 07-Feb-14 03:04:16

I think you need some counseling if you get the rage that she is a teacher and you aren't. She might have 13 weeks holiday to spend with her child but it looks like that child will not have its biological parents in the same household for very long, unlike your daughter. Though I do wonder about your relationship with your partner if you get the rage about an ex's relationship.

tiredoutgran Fri 07-Feb-14 03:25:05

I'm not sure your jealousy is because she is in a relationship with your ex as much as it is with your best friend and you feel he may not need you as a friend in the same way - a bit like best girlfriends feel when their best friend get a boyfriend and drops them to spend time with him. I think the jealousy with her is more about how easy you think she is getting it when you had to struggle - as most of us do when we start out.

You maybe now have to make a decision to either drop him from your life or see them as a couple and include her in your plans, perhaps if you spend time with her you will feel differently and become friends - it could be to your gain! He doesn't sound very nice, more like a spoiled brat who is worried about his freedom being curtailed.

She's trying to engineer a meeting because she is jealous of you too.

It's not all rosy for her. Not by a long shot.

Oblomov Fri 07-Feb-14 03:56:53

Blimey!
Do you wish you'd never split up from your ex? Sounds like you do. And still carrying a torch for him.
I feel sorry for your partner.
And ex's pg gf! He's well into her, isn't he? Not.

Annakin31 Fri 07-Feb-14 04:40:58

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

ThistleLickerIsGoingToBeAMummy Fri 07-Feb-14 04:51:19

Wow your ex sounds amazing!!! Not!!!!

Some people jus don't know they are lucky!!!! And if u saw sense you would see you are to be his ex!!! You can't wish that kind of thing on a poor unborn baby!! One he willingly contributed In making!!

Op back off and live your own life! There life has nothin to do with u! I actually feel sorry for your partner! You sound obsessed!

Chottie Fri 07-Feb-14 05:02:24

You need to shut the door and move on. He WAS a part of your life and now you have both moved on. I also feel sorry for his GF and their unborn child. What sort of commitment and love is he showing?

If his GF was my daughter i would be worried sick about her and my GC. You do sound like you are too involved, look into your own life, what is missing? The relationship sounds like there is three of you in it. What about your own partner - doesn't he get fed up of you hankering after the past?

Awkwardsis Fri 07-Feb-14 05:04:22

I think a lot of this might be because its brought up feelings around your termination. You found yourself in her position with this man and you made the decision to terminate whereas she gets to keep the baby. Fast forward to the future, and you're trying for a second baby. I think a those are probably massive things to deal with so you have my sympathy. I also think perhaps she just wants to be accepted by you. I have to say, I've known relationships involving my peers who have got nvolved with much older men and none of them have been particularly healthy, I just can't see what someone in their early twenties has in common with someone twenty years their senior. From her pov, she is expecting a baby with some e who went really let her into his life, who disappears to visit his ex girlfriend. That'd upset me too. The best you can hope for here is to develop a good relationship with them and their child. But I totally understand if you have feelings that it 'should have ' been you. You need to find peace with the past and perhaps even distance yourself from him if its just too difficult. Do not let this affect your marriage.

Oblomov Fri 07-Feb-14 05:12:59

Why did you REALLY split from ex? Did he decide to split? It wasn't your choice, right.
Sounds like you have never got over it.

JapaneseMargaret Fri 07-Feb-14 05:20:09

Oh dear, oh dear, OP.

Step away from this couple. That is quite cleary the only sensible suggestion for all three of you but especially her.

Mimishimi Fri 07-Feb-14 05:21:33

You are jealous of a girl whose boyfriend hopes there is something wrong with the baby? Really???

loopylouu Fri 07-Feb-14 05:32:14

I feel very sorry for the gf. Even if he isn't being an arsehole to her face, to have such strong feelings about wishing an abnormality on your own child (what the actual fuck?!) he must be treating her like shit somehow. I don't know how you could totally hide feelings like that.

I feel sorry for your partner too. I couldn't imagine my dh having such strong feelings for an ex.

I think it's time you moved on. Sounds like the gf has a supportive family if she has only just left home, thank god for that, it sounds like she'll need them once your pathetic ex moves on.

If someone told me that they wished those evil things on their unborn child and it's mother, I wouldn't be able to look at them again.

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