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OK why should the woman take the blokes surname?

(207 Posts)
aquashiv Fri 07-Feb-14 01:04:22

Ver brief history I have a name, a professional one and don't want to loose it. All our children have my name due to the fact that I am the Mother and its a name that has meaning. Himself calls himself Mr Aquashiv and we joke and laugh but and here we are is it yet sociallly acceptable to take the womans name without being made to feel as if you are emancipating the man thing. I could just marry him and shut my mouth but well why should I? The marriage convo came up again tonight and I don't know I feel so bloody weird thinking I should take his name why should I???

Sinkingfeeling Fri 07-Feb-14 01:08:57

Anything goes these days - women have never had to change their names on marriage, it's just a tradition in this country. In other countries, women have never changed their name on marriage. When you marry you can keep your name, change your name or create a new name which might be a combination of both your names. Your choice and really no big deal.

It's 'lose' though - not 'loose'.

HTH

Neverending2012 Fri 07-Feb-14 01:11:52

No need to take his name at all

Terrortree Fri 07-Feb-14 01:12:03

I have not taken my husband's name for various reasons. Because I have a higher profile in our business, my husband is often referred to as Mr. Terrortree. It makes me smile - but it is nothing more than social convention. My husband giggles about it.

My SIL did take her husband's name for the sake of their child. She regrets it. Another SIL did change her name from a lovely surname to our dubious one but she's fine about it.

To sum up there's no reason to change a name as long as you can both bare the faux pas others will make. In most countries women do not take on their husband's surname by dropping their own. It's not too far off that we become one of those countries.

Scarletohello Fri 07-Feb-14 01:13:04

Because in olden days the woman was considered the property of the father who then gave her away in marriage to the husband who then became her new owner.

Times have moved on. Do what you want ( but don't expect everyone to understand )

Monty27 Fri 07-Feb-14 01:13:54

They don't have to. It's a choice. The man can take the woman's name, I think its the marital name that both of the couple agree on, or don't. Might be wrong, but I think that's the case. confused

aquashiv Fri 07-Feb-14 01:14:57

See I have this weird feeling in my belly that although I earn the most and my kids have my name and all that jazz and my name is the one we trade one am I making him sad and am I being controlling and should I be changing or double barrelling???

aquashiv Fri 07-Feb-14 01:16:48

Terrortree I hope so!!

Terrortree Fri 07-Feb-14 01:23:31

Aquashiv - I am interpreting your "I hope so" as a response to 'we are one step closer to this becoming a none issue'. Thus your actions, and that of my husbands' are enablers to this matter!

Please don't feel guilty for not following social convention - it just endeavors to make a new normal.

volestair Fri 07-Feb-14 01:28:44

Sinkingfeeling, bit petty to point out the loose/lose thing, wasn't it? Especially when you didn't even notice that the OP's autocorrect had snuck in emancipating in place of emasculating grin

aquashiv Fri 07-Feb-14 01:32:35

volestair spot on!
I guess I am really asking why do so many women say ok then lets give up my identity??

Monty27 Fri 07-Feb-14 01:36:56

I agree with that Terror.

I don't mind if people want to do it, nor do I mind if people don't.

Its a free world smile one day

Alonglongway Fri 07-Feb-14 01:44:32

Double-barrel might be good for kids' paperwork and choices - don't think you've said how old they are. I have teens and one chooses double-barrel and one chooses my name for their own reasons. Bank accounts are approaching us now so double-barrel seems practical

Monty27 Fri 07-Feb-14 01:48:29

I think you legally have to use what you put on the certificates of birth where dcs are concerned? don't know for a fact

I did take exdhs name I was happy with it. Our dcs have the same name, I didn't want a different name to them blah blah. When we got divorced I changed the pronunciation.

Off topic I know.. grin

RoadToTuapeka Fri 07-Feb-14 01:53:53

I kept my surname when I got married. So did most of ny friends. Some changed theirs though. One kept her surname for several years then changed it when the children started school as a matter of convenience (think they found it awkward having different surnames as they travelled a lot too). My children have DH's surname for no good reason, I never questioned it thought much about it, but it makes me cross now as we recently changed doctors and all the correspondence re children (vaccination apts, follow up from referrals etc) gets addressed to DH not ne despite me being the primary caregiver.

One friend who kept her surname after marriage actually informally used her DH's surname when they were applying for school places as she was worried about possible discrimination if they appeared bit to be married. Honestly. In a leafy open minded part of west London.

One make friend has agreed to his children taking his female partner's surname as he's always hated his (Buttrick).

I just saw no reason to change mine although of course it reflects the patriarchal line. However it is still mine now.

aquashiv Fri 07-Feb-14 01:59:34

theyv are 7 twins and 8 . Not that bothered but I am and I don't want to get married just for a name i don't want.

Notafoodbabyanymore Fri 07-Feb-14 02:03:35

I think it's pretty rude to say that women who take their husband's name are giving up their identity. My surname doesn't define who I am. I took my husband's name because, for me, it was symbolic of us joining together. Double-barrelled was never considered as it would have sounded ridiculous. I am still me, just with a different last name.

That said, do what both you and your partner are comfortable with. Just don't act as if you're so much more liberated as a woman because you're not "giving up your identity".

hmm

Monty27 Fri 07-Feb-14 02:09:00

Yes, I get that too Not just do what you want to do, as I say I took exdh's name and registered dcs under the marital name. For me, I wanted to be the same name as my dcs, so on divorce changed the pronunciation. just to alienate myself from and mostly to piss him off grin

CouthyMow Fri 07-Feb-14 02:10:34

DD's Dad took her SM's surname when they got married. Nothing wrong with that. She had a nicer surname!

Notafoodbabyanymore Fri 07-Feb-14 02:22:03

Didn't mean to sound narky, just think there's more to a respectful, loving marriage than whose name is used. It's just not that important a part of the whole picture for many people, I would imagine.

If it's important to you, then that's for you and your partner to compromise on. And I understand being stuck with a name after a divorce would be a PITA, but most people don't make the decision to get married thinking, "what will I do if we get divorced?"

Monty27 Fri 07-Feb-14 02:26:49

Not I didn't think you were being narky, I was agreeing with you, sorry I'm not writing very well, its late. We are singing from the same sheet. smile

Best go to bed..

Notafoodbabyanymore Fri 07-Feb-14 02:35:39

See I'm not making sense either. I got what you were saying, just apologising to the thread in general!

I think you changing the pronunciation of your surname is genius!

chandlery Fri 07-Feb-14 02:38:29

Who says I've given up my identity by taking my husbands name?

hmm

I'm not judging you so why judge others?

I took it as we are married, a family unit, why would I try to be independent from that?

Try from another pov... I would have been horrified if my husband said he wants to keep separate names so we are not losing our identity. So its ok for me to carry and care for our child, work and contribute to our home but my surname is my identity?

MrsMook Fri 07-Feb-14 02:57:00

I was quite happy to follow convention and change to DH's name. I like the simplicity of the family unit sharing the same name, so someone would have had to have changed their name to do that, and our names didn't combine neatly to seriously consider double barrelling.

It was strange for a few months as I adjusted and had to change paperwork, but it was fine. I'm still the same person, and it changes my identity less than when I shift between my occupation and SAHM mode. What I do each day affects me more than a family label.

My DCs have shared mine and DH's identity from the moment the hospital wrist band was put on them, they didn't have the "wrong" name put on as they automatically use mother's surname. Schools etc. will find it simple to corresond with us and link child's and parents identities, and to get it correct.

Exactly who I am changes with time. If I were to divorce, I'm not exactly the same as I was premarriage. My identity would adapt. I'm not the same Miss x that I was ehen my birth certificate was registered.

catsrus Fri 07-Feb-14 03:01:59

I was married 24 yrs never ever took his name for any purposes whatsoever and our dcs, born after the marriage, all had my surname.

There is no reason, apart from tradition, for you to take his name if you marry OP - so if you want to get married for other reasons then just do it and carry on using your own name.

The trick, I found, was the NEVER use his part - its a slippery slope. I married after most of my friends and i Watched them gradually "lose" their names when they were home with children, dealing with school etc when dcs had hisname. Any documents that were put inhis name (e.g by solicitors, banks etc making assumption) were ALWAYS returned for correction. I was never, for any legal purposes Mrs hisname or Cats Hisname - I was always just me.

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