...to not want to look after her 2 kids?

[PuddleCuddle]

Have known this friend for a few years now and it seems like whenever she is contacting me it is because there is a favour she will ask for.
She has 2 kids and works weekends and her DP is away on weekends quite a lot so most of the time not there to look after kids.
I have every sympathy for her it is must be tough having 2 with no family support. Initially I have done things for her like take her to XYZ because she doesn't drive. I looked after her kids ONCE and after that swore I will never do it again as within those 2-3 hours ALL of the toys were scattered on the floor and her eldest (4 at the time) was trying to get in the fridge and office even when I told him not to. I found it very stressful and spent 2 hours tidying up afterwards as I am not exaggerating, every single toy was out!

I know she has been relying on her other friends a lot for providing childcare while she is working. I saw her recently and from what she said I suspect she is going to ask me to look after them sometime very soon. And not for just a few hours (which I am still reluctant to do given my experience) but for a whole long day! I have a 4 y/o myself and work full time (but not weekends). On one hand I feel like a mean bitch refusing to help her out but on the other hand why do I have to sacrifice my weekend and rest to enable somebody to work?? Surely it is between her and her DP to sort out the childcare! I get the feeling her DP is of the view that her friends are always there to jump in and that that's how it should be. She once asked me to look after the youngest on Sat because her DP wanted to go play football and while the older boy was ok to go with dad the younger one was too small! I did refuse rather angrily on that occasion stating that I would like to have some rest myself!

She had a babysitter looking after them once but that was too expensive apparently...

I do like the kids but that doesn't mean I am happy to have 3 to look after instead of my own 1!

AIBU? WWYD?

[Nanny0gg]

YANBU and I would say No.

[Elderberri]

YANBU - I only ever mind in an emergency.. She does not want to pay for child care.

Tbh I dislike minding other peoples kids, it scary.

[FitzgeraldProtagonist]

I think I would always help out a friend if I possibly could. Childcare is so expensive. No family support is very hard. Absent DP even harder. Of course every toy was out - that's what 4 year olds do- particularly when left to play. But would do as one off rather tha regular thing - your time is equally important.

[FitzgeraldProtagonist]

YANBU btw, just slightly uncharitable.

[PuddleCuddle]

I forgot to add, we don't have any family support either, all childcare is done between me, DP and our childminder. We don't go out because we don't have relatives to look after DS in the evening (and yes, childminder unsocial hours are too expensive!).

[saffstel]

Yanbu, I hate looking after other peoples, it's only for when they are really in a fix

[Pigletin]

So she hasn't even asked you yet and you are stressing about it?

If you don't want to do it, then say no. It's that simple.

[BeeBawBabbity]

I wouldn't do it either. She has a partner, they need to arrange it between themselves, find childcare, or live off one wage.

[YourHandInMyHand]

Would she be willing to cover the costs of taking ghem out fir the day? Or go to hers and ket her tidy up the mess?
If you only hear from her when she wants something she isnt a friend she is a user. I will happily help out a friend in a fix but I know it works both ways.

[AbiRoad]

How about agreeing to do it in return for her babysitting for you a couple of nights when her DH is around?

[JoinYourPlayfellows]

How about she gets her lazy prick of a partner to look after his own children instead of taking this piss out of all the women she knows?

[PuddleCuddle]

I'm not really stressing just want to be clear in my head about what to do when she asks.

[facedontfit]

One word answer "No!"

[MannishBoy]

Just say no.
DW and I both work full time and have absolutely no family within an hour's drive. We sorted childcare out ourselves, we don't expect anyone else to be around for us, just because we can't / won't get organised.

Childcare is expensive, it's also necessary. Life is hard, sometimes.

[Pigletin]

I personally wouldn't be bothered and wouldn't mind helping her if she is not taking the piss and asking every weekend. But if you are uncomfortable, then tell her you can't do it.

[PuddleCuddle]

JoinYourPlayfellows I very much have the same opinion, he might not be a lazy prick for all I know but if 1. she works weekends and 2. he is not around to look after kids on weekends it is up to them to come up with a more permanent childcare solution instead of relying on everyone around to plug the holes for free...

[PuddleCuddle]

Precious, he is away because he has taken on a job which means he cannot be relied on for childcare (irregular hours away from home and sometimes need to go at short notice). How convenient for him (he's pursuing dream career as she is doing all at home and roping all and everyone in for help)...

[Viviennemary]

I don't particularly like minding other people's kids myself. But I have done it as a favour knowing I would be helped out too if the need arose. But if they are as difficult as the ones your are talking about I probably wouldn't do it unless it was a real emergency. Certainly not childcare for working parents.

[DontmindifIdo]

Just say no. They are a couple, if her DH wants to go off on jollies, then part of the cost for that is paying for childcare. It's not his DW's job to sort the childcare for him and it's not your job to do it.

Just say you don't like having other children over without their parent there to keep an eye on them, or that you like to keep it just to family at the weekends.

[HappyMamaBear]

You are not obliged to do anything you don't want to, friend or not. I only sit for family, and even then if they've exhausted their other options, especially as I have my own two (both under 3) to look after.

[siblingrevelry]

I have a friend a bit like this-the expectation is that because I'm a SAHM I can look after her kids in the hols or teacher training days.

We make many financial sacrifices for me to be at home, to spend time with my children, so it annoys me when people think I should step in and help out people who work, like I'm the lucky one and should be grateful and therefore help out others in the choices they've made.

I wouldn't expect them to help me out financially because they earn money, so why do some folks feel that non working people should be willing to help out with childcare as they might "be at home anyway"? Having other children means I can't do the things I'd line with my own, which is the point of being a SAHM.

I'd be a bit honest and maybe embellish it "I'm really sorry, I know it helps you out but I find it too much of a struggle with having three kids at once-I find I'm too overly worried about something happening to them so I find if too difficult looking after other people's children".

I hate looking after other people's kids. Even the most mild mannered kids find a new home and being with pals a novelty so they all go a bit crazy and trash the place. And don't get me started on fussy eater guests...

[PuddleCuddle]

She is not working mon-fri but it has never ever occurred to me to ask her to look after mine when childminder ill/closed etc. Never and that's because I don't think it is fair. And I only have 1...

[Mellowandfruitful]

I would do this to help out a friend in difficulty (as I have done and as people have done for me) but not if I suspected that I was being used as a free childcare substitute for people who don't want to pay up / make the effort themselves. Since the latter sounds like your situation, just say no - every time she asks, clarify the date and then say you are busy. 'Is that Sat 15th? Can't do that I'm afraid, we're on a trip / meeting friends / spending the day with family'. every time.

There is a school of thought that says tell her honestly you don't want to be taken advantage of. IME people like this always turn that around and decide you are mean and unhelpful. There's no telling them. So personally I don't get into why, but just decline every time.