To be upset and on the verge of tears because of this letter

(58 Posts)
FlockOfTwats Wed 05-Feb-14 16:51:00

Since i had my daughter my life has been pretty much ruled by intrusive thoughts.

I think about my children dying constantly. I check on them compulsively. I don't sleep because of it. I sleep for a few hours from around 5am in two hour blocks. Every few days i'll have a five hour solid block.

I don't let them do things like eat with forks sometimes because i think they will somehow stab themselves in the back of the mouth (I had a dream about it once that triggered that particular one).

When i first told a doctor about it, the doctor didn't listen and told an emergency team of psychiatrists that i was suicidal (I was not, and i had never said i was, she asked and i said no i was not suicidal!). I ended up shoutingat the psychiatrists to make it stop, give me drugs or something i didnt care what they did i just wanted it to stop.

DDs Dad played on it a lot and has probably made it worse. He used to tell me she had been really ill when she hadn't (He told me i'd given her salmonella once and she had been really ill, she hadn't had salmonella at all, things like that). I have panic attacks if he emails me (She lives with him, our agreement) now thinking somethings wrong with her.

I have two sons now too. It worsened after DS1s birth then calmed down a bit. Now its worse again. I'm constantly thinking about my own death. I'm going to die one day. and i dont wont to. Everything triggers it. I read something about the space craft thats the furhtest man made thing from us. It'll be close to a certain star in 40, 000 years. That was it. I couldn't concentrate on anything for the rest of the night. Even things that are meant to be funny trigger periods of obsession and nothing else can get into my head. I don't want to just not be here. I'm so desperate for there to be something else. I've been reading about theories on the universe, peoples ideas about how time works (Circular time etc, the idea that everything repeats, the end of the universe being the oposite of a big bang, a big 'crunch' which triggers another big bang and then everything starts again, repeats, like in futurama if youve seen that episode).

Finally though, someone has listened to me. After nearly 5 years. It feels like i'm getting somewhere. I had an appointment with the mental health team on the 11th of february. Now theyve cancelled it and won't see me till the end of march.

I know i'm going to be seen but it was so close and i thought it wouldn't be long now finally and i'll be normal again and now it's nearly 8 knobbing weeks away. 8 more weeks of feeling like a bastard neurotic paranoid freak.

I feel like such a loser being upset about this though. It's only 8 weeks. but now it feels like a life time away again.

Balaboosta Thu 06-Feb-14 14:11:50

And - poor you. This sounds awful. I appreciate what you're going through having suffered phobic anxieties that got out of hand when children appear. Fwiw being separated from your children can play havoc with your mind on an unconscious level, that for me results in me experiencing dreadful anxiety. Your feelings are not irrational. Or without cause. But meditation teaches one to "tame the untamed mind", which is relevant to you I think. Wishing you best of luck.

Balaboosta Thu 06-Feb-14 14:18:28

Fuck yeah - meditation! As toffeewhirl says!

Littleen Thu 06-Feb-14 22:06:42

I can relate, I struggle with OCD which at times includes intrusive thoughts (started in childhood so not birth related). It truly is lifewrecking. I can understand your frustration with getting treatment - when I was in that situation 2 years ago I resorted to going to a hypnotherapist for a while. It cost a fortune, but it did the trick for me until I was able to get other help. I see there's lots of good advice on here, so I hope you find a solution that works for you, atleast until you can get something more permanent in place. Good luck!

Thatballwasin Thu 06-Feb-14 22:25:32

Hi Flock, phone the GP, please do, stress the urgency. I've had three periods of really intrusive OCD, the last one basically ruined a year of university for me, I had to take the year out. I didn't know about OCD at the time, I didn't realise other people felt the way I did, I thought I was just a bit mad and people would distance themselves from me. My mum once told me I was a "loony" when she caught me doing a sequence of things I felt I had to do to make sure everyone I loved would be ok.

I got help, I spoke to someone, I felt less alone and I haven't had a proper episode in almost 20 years. I was a bit worried before having the DCs that it might set my brain running again but I'd had to develop mental tricks to push the thoughts away before and they have kept working as something I can fall back on when I need to and it has stopped me spiralling, I'm never close to being where I was.

With my last episode (20 yrs ago) I ended up with a little chant to myself when the thoughts popped into my head. It was almost like they were fighting for my attention, if I managed to push one away, the next one would be worse as if my brain was trying to say "ha, you won't be able to ignore this one! Got ya". My little chant of "no, I'm not going to agree with that" (the thoughts were along the lines of "have to do this or that horrible thing will happen to person you love most, etc"), the chant helped calm me down, to centre myself (like with mindfulness), help bring me back to myself.

Please call the GP tomorrow, x

PeriodFeatures Thu 06-Feb-14 23:35:31

Flock I'm glad you feel able to speak to someone about this. Thank you for sharing what must be awfully hard thing to share. Intrusive thoughts are all consuming arn't they?

I'm currently experiencing similar issue,, different thoughts but similarly intrusive constant thought that are stopping me from enjoying being a parent and being constantly worried and anxious. Yove helped me realize i probably ought to see a Dr too.

Here flowers I love your name btw.

fivefourtime Fri 07-Feb-14 04:50:07

Yes, phone your doc right away and do anything to get this treatment moved forward. I have this type of OCD (with Tourette's) and just... getting it out there, telling someone about it, getting it outside of the realm of your own head where it's been sitting for years and years - it doesn't make the problem go away but it helps such a lot.

You're not alone. Stay strong - a commendable step just posting here about this!

You poor poor thing, it must be horrific living in a state of constant terror like this.
I had something similar but in a very mild form after the birth of my older two children, I was fine if they were with me, but if anyone else was looking after them I would have awful thoughts about the things that might happen to them eg car going into the river, choking, pans of boiling water being tipped on them, and when they were a little older and sleeping away, about the house they were in catching fire, the plane we were going on holiday on crashing, sharks eating them as they swam in the sea. I'd have nightmares and wake up in a cold sweat, or in the day I'd suddenly be struck by a random thought and near have a panic attack from it.
Even though my mind recognised the ridiculousness of what I was panicking about in most cases, my body still went into panic mode and stopped me sleeping or functioning properly. I eventually learned to block out the thoughts by refusing them access so to speak, and thinking about something pleasant instead. It gradually got better and I don't have them very often now and when I do they are fleeting and don't trigger the panic. I'm not saying this would work for you, My problems were very very mild in comparison.
I hope that they manage to squeeze you in for a consultation sooner than the 8 weeks they have given you and I can't believe your gp has let you continue like this for 5 years without a referral or any treatment for the anxiety.

Onsera3 Fri 07-Feb-14 13:13:03

It's understandable to be so upset by a setback like this with the way you are feeling.

I never suffered as badly as you did but I have experienced thoughts of a similar type though less extreme. Mild OCD type thoughts as a child culminating in anxiety and depression in twenties.

I just wanted to let you know that I eventually got on top of it and am seldom bothered by it. It took a couple of years and a bit of trial and error. I tried various antidepressants, psych and counselling. Taking some time out from everything really helped me work out what my triggers were. I realised that getting myself stressed about little things caused a kind of stress overload that made me anxious to the point of panic attacks. CBT is great. Found hormones and some oral contraceptives could contribute too.

It may take a while but I'm sure one day it will be better. Hang in there.

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