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To be upset and on the verge of tears because of this letter

(58 Posts)
FlockOfTwats Wed 05-Feb-14 16:51:00

Since i had my daughter my life has been pretty much ruled by intrusive thoughts.

I think about my children dying constantly. I check on them compulsively. I don't sleep because of it. I sleep for a few hours from around 5am in two hour blocks. Every few days i'll have a five hour solid block.

I don't let them do things like eat with forks sometimes because i think they will somehow stab themselves in the back of the mouth (I had a dream about it once that triggered that particular one).

When i first told a doctor about it, the doctor didn't listen and told an emergency team of psychiatrists that i was suicidal (I was not, and i had never said i was, she asked and i said no i was not suicidal!). I ended up shoutingat the psychiatrists to make it stop, give me drugs or something i didnt care what they did i just wanted it to stop.

DDs Dad played on it a lot and has probably made it worse. He used to tell me she had been really ill when she hadn't (He told me i'd given her salmonella once and she had been really ill, she hadn't had salmonella at all, things like that). I have panic attacks if he emails me (She lives with him, our agreement) now thinking somethings wrong with her.

I have two sons now too. It worsened after DS1s birth then calmed down a bit. Now its worse again. I'm constantly thinking about my own death. I'm going to die one day. and i dont wont to. Everything triggers it. I read something about the space craft thats the furhtest man made thing from us. It'll be close to a certain star in 40, 000 years. That was it. I couldn't concentrate on anything for the rest of the night. Even things that are meant to be funny trigger periods of obsession and nothing else can get into my head. I don't want to just not be here. I'm so desperate for there to be something else. I've been reading about theories on the universe, peoples ideas about how time works (Circular time etc, the idea that everything repeats, the end of the universe being the oposite of a big bang, a big 'crunch' which triggers another big bang and then everything starts again, repeats, like in futurama if youve seen that episode).

Finally though, someone has listened to me. After nearly 5 years. It feels like i'm getting somewhere. I had an appointment with the mental health team on the 11th of february. Now theyve cancelled it and won't see me till the end of march.

I know i'm going to be seen but it was so close and i thought it wouldn't be long now finally and i'll be normal again and now it's nearly 8 knobbing weeks away. 8 more weeks of feeling like a bastard neurotic paranoid freak.

I feel like such a loser being upset about this though. It's only 8 weeks. but now it feels like a life time away again.

Fairy1303 Wed 05-Feb-14 16:56:04

You poor love. I would phone them and say exactly what you have said here. Say it is urgent.

I hope you get the support lovely.

You are being really brave x

IHaveSeenMyHat Wed 05-Feb-14 17:04:10

Well done for taking the steps to accessing help. Try calling them and asking if they have any cancellations.

FlockOfTwats Wed 05-Feb-14 17:08:27

I did think of calling but i assumed theyd given the next available appointment.

I will ring them tomorrow as i think it will be too late now smile

I'm just fed up of my stupid brain working like this.

shewhowines Wed 05-Feb-14 17:14:31

It's a setback but you are already on the path to getting help. That's the hard bit. It's disappointing but not your fault. Hang in there. Try ringing them but if they can't bring it forward then look at it as just a bump in the path, on the journey that you are undertaking to sort yourself out. You will get there in the end.

Sorry not to be any real help.

thanks

Punkatheart Wed 05-Feb-14 17:24:01

You are not a loser, but a good mum who is very sensitive. There are ways they can help you and I wish you the best of luck. Why not unload your thoughts and worries on here, among friends. If it helps, of course.

CailinDana Wed 05-Feb-14 17:28:14

You have been really badly let down by the NHS. You should have had proper treatment 5 years ago. You must have incredible strength and stamina to deal with such an exhausting and frightening illness on your own for so long, particularly when your arsehole of an ex has been using it against you.

Call them tomorrow. They may be able to squeeze you in sooner. If they don't, go back to the gp and say you need some form of treatment now.

Btw the gp five years ago may have said you were suicidal as sometimes that's the only way to get a referral.

FlockOfTwats Wed 05-Feb-14 17:30:29

Thankyou guys.

Punk its all just about death really. Its like its the only thing i can think about. I read a thing about historical images too. And now i think the human race are just absolute bastards. We're awful. I know a lot about nazis etc (The war always interested me). But some of these things were just too awful for words.The sri lankan and cambodian killing fields. apartheid, genocide etc. Why are people so god damned horrible?!

And then the disasters we've had - Chernobyl, bhopal etc. All those poor people. Its so sad. Its all i can think about.

FlockOfTwats Wed 05-Feb-14 17:32:04

Its like my brain is just overloaded constantly with those things. My children dying, my own death and these horrible things. Its like it doesnt stop. Its like being shouted at 24/7.

My mum used to shout a lot and my mind feels like that 24/7 just listening to shouting all day and night.

canweseethebunnies Wed 05-Feb-14 17:52:49

I googled this recently as my dd (age 4) occasionally suffers from intrusive thoughts. From what I can gather its a form of OCD called Morbid Thought OCD. Maybe you could access some support through an OCD charity whilst you wait for the mental health appointment so you don't feel like you're just having to wait with no help?

I'm keeping an eye on it with my dd as it's only very occasional. Generally when she's particularly anxious. I may need to seek help for her if it carries on/ gets worse.

Hope you get it sorted op thanks

canwesee is right, it's a form of OCD, my friend had it after the birth of her 2nd child, she constantly thought he was going to die,and thought she was harming him herself, and used to check on him every few mins, and wrapped him in so much cotton wool he couldn't breathe!
She got help and was given antidepressants and CBT which helped a lot, this was 16 years ago, she is fine now but will always be a 'worrier'
give them a ring OP to see if you can go sooner, if not hang in there, they WILL help you thanks

Poppylovescheese Wed 05-Feb-14 18:25:37

I second what everyone else says, give them a call and explain you feel it is urgent. Also tell them you can take a short notice cancellation appointment as I am sure one of those would come up before the end of March. x

Juliaparker25 Wed 05-Feb-14 18:30:38

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

Tabliope Wed 05-Feb-14 18:36:16

I was also going to say it sounds a bit like OCD. A friend had similar thoughts and I think prozac helped her a lot. It took the edge off things so she could function. Hang on in there and get the help you need. I hope you've got a friend that can maybe go with you to things, just to be your voice if it's hard to explain or push for anything. Can you go back to the GP and see someone else a bit more sympathetic? A GP might be able to escalate it quicker than waiting until March. Take care.

Tabliope Wed 05-Feb-14 18:37:24

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

FlockOfTwats Wed 05-Feb-14 18:40:08

Julia is there any need for that?

Yes ive been told before that my symptoms tally with certain forms of OCD. I was told post natal OCD but that was before the thoughts about myself started, when it was solely related to my kids.

My step mum has OCD and she said what i describe is very much like her, just about different things (where as id obsess over myself, kids or someone else say, falling off something, she has compulsions to jump off or push someone- she is under psychiatric care though and has bi polar and schitzophrenia too, she manages hers quite well with her psychiatrists help).

stargirl1701 Wed 05-Feb-14 18:45:55

OP, have you heard of Mindfulness? It might help you get through the next 8 weeks if you can't get an earlier appointment.

It's a way of separating yourself from your thoughts. You are not your thoughts. Have a google and see what you think. I had ACT therapy for intrusive thoughts and there are online resources for that too. Go onto You Tube and search for ACT therapy. The 'passengers on the bus' really resonated with me.

There is hope. You can get better. Just hang on. I would call and see if you can get an earlier appt and say to the secretary that you would take any cancellation.

thanksthanksthanks

Tabliope Wed 05-Feb-14 18:46:56

Ignore her, Flock. Go and see the GP - tomorrow or Friday. Insist it's urgent and take someone, please. Don't cope alone. I would say the GP would suggest a course of anti-depressants. Persist with them but also get the GP to push for some quicker help than March.

Juliaparker25 Wed 05-Feb-14 18:49:32

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

Reported your post Julia, its you who needs to get a grip.

Fairy1303 Wed 05-Feb-14 18:57:45

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

Flock I had something similar, triggered by childbirth (with both children) - I've PM'ed you about the treatment I had. It did get better very quickly; I didn't need drugs as I was seen within a few weeks but I wonder if it would help you in the meantime so you don't get to crisis point/feel you can't cope. So sorry you've not had much luck with local MH services but I would second what Tabliope says and ask GP if they can get things speeded up.

EmmaTeapots Wed 05-Feb-14 18:59:12

I have reported Julia too

AnnaBullerby Wed 05-Feb-14 19:00:23

take a look at this talk by RubyWax. If you have Kindle you can download her book Sane New World.

I've been finding it really helpful in understand why my mind is overwhelmed with negative thoughts and learning how to master it.

trixymalixy Wed 05-Feb-14 19:01:19

Have also reported Julia for that disgusting little post.

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