About when to tell close parents, or is DH?

(69 Posts)
Orlea Fri 31-Jan-14 18:21:13

I had a BFP just over a week ago. I've got a doctor's appointment on Monday, which will be the first time I've mentioned anything to anyone other than DH. Maybe this is a bit early to be getting so wound up (can I blame hormones yet?), but...

DH wants to phone and tell his mum on Monday afternoon as soon as the doctor confirms it. At this point, I would be maybe 3/4 weeks pregnant (a rough estimate). I do not want to tell anyone important (i.e. our parents) a) on the phone and b) so early. DH is saying that it's not my secret to keep and that he doesn't see why he can't tell his mum on Monday and that he doesn't like being told he has to keep secrets - twisting my words as I just said I don't want to tell people so early, not that he has to actively lie to his mum or anything! No one knows we were trying, so no one would ask and have to be lied to.

We are visiting my parents at the end of February (they live 400 miles away). I would be 7/8 weeks pregnant by then, and I was expecting to tell them then, face-to-face. I would be ok with telling MIL either just before or just after that weekend, face-to-face or on the phone, whatever DH prefers (although I'd still prefer to tell her face-to-face as I think it would be nicer for her), but even 7-8 weeks feels a bit early to be telling anyone, it would only be because that's the only time we are seeing my parents that I would mention it that early. When we were ttc (so going back a few weeks, not exactly years), we had said we wouldn't tell anyone, including parents, til the first scan, but DH seems to have decided that's not even an option anymore.

We don't live that near MIL (70 miles) so it's not even like we'd be seeing her loads and having to not mention it. It never comes up in conversation (she's not nosy) so I seriously doubt it would be a case of her asking and DH having to lie to his DM, but tbh if she did ask, I wouldn't mind telling her - although I would want her to keep it to herself til the first scan, rather than tell the rest of the family who can be quite nosy and intrusive, and would probably start posting all over the internet about it (they have form for this).

So AIBU to want to keep it to ourselves a bit longer (to be on the safe side, to enjoy our secret, whatever), at least until the end of Feb (unless MIL asks outright, which is prob less than a 1% chance) or is DH being U for making me feel guilty for not wanting to tell anyone so soon?

Further, WIBU to insist? DH says he'll do what I ask, but 'won't be happy about it' if I insist on keeping it secret a few more weeks, and also that he won't lie to anyone regardless of what I say, so if his internet-crazed brother asks, he'll tell him, or his nosy aunt, or the postman...

He said he wanted to stop talking about it just now because he was getting angry because I said I didn't want to start telling people on Monday, and I now feel guilty, pressurised, angry with him, shocked that he's being so U (in my current opinion) and shocked that he wants to tell anyone so early - I don't know anything about risks but it just feels way too early to me. Am I being oversensitive?? (sobs into hanky)

Sorry it's so long!

NatashaBee Fri 31-Jan-14 18:23:58

YANBU. I can understand his excitement and wanting to tell his mum, but he is being very manipulative about it.

MikeLitoris Fri 31-Jan-14 18:26:43

For me it comes down to whether or not you would tell these people if you miscarried? If you would then there is no harm in telling them now.

I see both sides of this. I didn't tell my mum on my last pg until 13 weeks. Dp told his straight away. I felt it was he choice. So long as she kept quiet.

I also wouldn't be pinning too much on this DR appointment. They really don't confirm anything. The just tell you to book in with a mW here. No confirmation until the 12 week scan.

WipsGlitter Fri 31-Jan-14 18:27:05

I'm always amazed anyone tells anyone before their scan.

Pobblewhohasnotoes Fri 31-Jan-14 18:27:37

Not telling people isn't lying! What a stupid thing to call it. He wants to tell the whole world at 4 weeks? He's crazy. I can understand wanting to tell parents, we told ours straight away but that was it, no one else knew until the 12 week scan.

He is being a bit of an arse about it to be honest. I can understand your worry, does he realise things can go wrong?

hoppinghare Fri 31-Jan-14 18:31:14

He is being unreasonable in wanting to tell people in general when you think it is too early. I agree with him that he should be able to tell his own mother if he wants. It's his baby too and it is nice that he is excited. I wouldn't let my husband dictate what I shared with my mother.

I would not like it if he started telling lots of people though.

liquidstate Fri 31-Jan-14 18:31:28

We were keeping it quiet until 12 weeks but I projectile vomited in front of MIL at 9 weeks. She kept it secret but I told my DM to balance it out. The FIL and my dad were told at 12 weeks after the scan. The rest of the family were not told until a few weeks later after a Christmas party.

We did it this way because we felt that until we had the 12 week scan we weren't sure of losing the baby or if any abnormalities would show up in which case we wanted to keep any decision we made private.

It is hard. I did want to tell my parents in person but they live far away and ILs live 5 mins away. My DH really wanted to tell his parents but he respected my decision and understood it. To be able to tell someone we told DH's female friend who is a doctor that way we could discuss any issue with her.

Kahlua4me Fri 31-Jan-14 18:34:31

I would say the same as mike about telling those that you would tell if you miscarried.

I didn't tell anyone with first pregnancy but then found it harder, for us and them, telling them when I miscarried at 12 weeks.

I am sure you will be fine but for me that was the deciding factor for subsequent pregnancies. If only telling parents, I would certainly tell them straight away and share this exciting new journey with them.

Congratulations to you xx

Pobblewhohasnotoes Fri 31-Jan-14 18:35:42

Oh btw, the doctor won't confirm it, they take your word for it.

Depending on where you live you may have to self refer to the midwife too. Although I have never had to. Generally the GP will take your BP and chat to you about your dates and congratulate you and send you on your way until you hear from the midwifery team.

I would never tell the whole word early, it's too risky and as another poster said, it's fine to tell everyone if your DH is then prepared to tell the world if you miscarry.

Chippednailvarnish Fri 31-Jan-14 18:38:11

Tell DH your not pregnant, than make a surprise announcement at your parents.

He sounds like a knob TBH.

Yep - doc.wont be confirming anything. The first ackowledgment medically for me was Booking In Apt / Scan at 12 weeks grin

Nanny0gg Fri 31-Jan-14 18:43:17

Why don't you want to share the news with your parents yet? If you don't want to, you don't want to. I am just curious as to why.

I was told straight away - so were the other parents. My DCs were desperate to tell someone!

elliejjtiny Fri 31-Jan-14 18:44:03

YANBU. I'll be 18 weeks pregnant tomorrow and so far DH has told his parents and brother and I haven't told anyone (apart from the midwife obviously)

HavantGuard Fri 31-Jan-14 18:44:05

'also that he won't lie to anyone regardless of what I say, so if his internet-crazed brother asks, he'll tell him, or his nosy aunt, or the postman'

Tell him you're adopting the same policy about him. Any question, fair game.

PenguinsDontEatKale Fri 31-Jan-14 18:46:44

Yup, doctor doesn't confirm anything. Unless you are unsure yourself and specifically there for a test.

At 4 weeks the chances of miscarriage are sadly still very, very high (around one in five I think) so pessimistic as it sounds I wouldn't tell anyone who you wouldn't want to tell about a loss.

If you want to tell people around 8 weeks a private early scan might be an option - if you can afford it. Once there is a heartbeat on a scan your odds are much improved. smile

WorraLiberty Fri 31-Jan-14 18:47:04

I told everyone the minute the piss dried on the stick grin

Have you explained to your DH why he has to keep this secret? He might be more understanding if you do.

PenguinsDontEatKale Fri 31-Jan-14 18:49:43

Nanny- for me, having to share one miscarriage with my parents for practical reasons was enough that I never wanted to do that again. I just wanted to hunker down with DH and make a little bubble where everthing outside the bubble was normal and I did not have to deal with sympathy and well meant enquiries.

Greythorne Fri 31-Jan-14 18:50:37

It is very simple. If you have a miscarriage, who will you want / need to support you? Tell those people you are of.

If you would feel uncomfortable telling someone you are having / had a miscarriage, then don't tell them you are pg.

Alibabaandthe40nappies Fri 31-Jan-14 18:52:11

Good lord people make such a fuss about this.

If he wants to tell his Mum then he can tell his Mum.

SparklyTwinkleGlitter Fri 31-Jan-14 18:53:51

Congratulations OP.

Neither of you are being unreasonable per se, but it's probably worth considering that this is just the first of many numerous tricky parenting conversations you will be having during the coming years.

Sit DH down and explain to him how important it is to find a solution you can both live with. Learning to compromise with good grace is probably the most important skill you both need to master.

PrimalLass Fri 31-Jan-14 18:55:24

WorraLiberty grin

Me too. There's no way we would have not told our parents until 12 weeks.

Nanny0gg Fri 31-Jan-14 18:56:08

Sorry to hear that PenguinsDontEatKale and it is obviously for you to do what you are happy/comfortable with and everyone is different.

But the other perspective is that it would break my heart if I'd known my DD and partner had been going through something like that on their own and I hadn't been there for them. I know there would have been nothing I could actually do, but I would feel absolutely useless and very sad if she hadn't been able to tell me.

SweepTheHalls Fri 31-Jan-14 18:56:33

We told parents as we would have needed their support if there were any problems. Each to their own though.

exexpat Fri 31-Jan-14 18:56:46

DH and I didn't tell anyone - including both sets of parents - until the 12-week scan, which is pretty normal in my experience.

Have you seen all the threads on here where people have told one or two family members or close friends 'in confidence' and then found a few days later that absolutely everyone knows, because the people they told got overexcited and couldn't keep their mouths shut?

Not what you'd want at the best of times, and particularly upsetting if the pregnancy ends early and you have to explain to dozens of people who shouldn't have known about it in the first place.

SignoraStronza Fri 31-Jan-14 18:57:41

No of course yanbu. I recently had a loss/chemical pg at 6 weeks and the only other person who sort of knew was mil - we see her most days and she's quite astute.

Wasn't planning on telling my own parents until after the scan (my mother's made it perfectly clear she thinks a third is a ridiculous idea) but after mum found out about my mc ('I thought you wanted to lose more weight first anyway.' and 'Are you sure you have room for three.') I won't actually be telling my own parents at all!

The only people who need to know before 12 weeks are you, your dh and your mw/doctor.

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