To exclude DS3 from the parties?

(103 Posts)
AnneWentworth Fri 31-Jan-14 14:19:27

Ds1 (8) and DS2 (6) are having birthday parties this weekend, both have asked that DS3 (3almost) goes to GPs and I feel bad for him.

He is hard work and despite our best efforts does interfere with them an awful lot. I am doing both parties at home by myself and DS1 is having a quite grown up party with a small group of friends that I can see it would be difficult to have DS3 at - and he wouldn't be able to take part.

DS2 though us having the standard pass the parcel affair and he would enjoy it and it feels sad to exclude him from this one. It would be tricky though as I would be doing the games and have to keep an eye etc if he wanders off.

Part if me feels like they often give in to DS3 so if they want it to be just their friends then that is ok but I also think he would love being involved.

TallGiraffe Fri 31-Jan-14 14:22:13

If you do send him, then you also need to send the other non-birthday child away from the respective parties.

AnneWentworth Fri 31-Jan-14 14:22:58

I was thinking about that but they want each othr there.

Kemmo Fri 31-Jan-14 14:23:12

Can you send him to GPs with something special to do as a treat?

I think your older DC are being quite reasonable TBH.

FWIW we had to exclude DS2 (6) from DS1's party because it would have really restricted the activities that the venue would allow. He was fine about it because we set him up to do something special at a friend's house.

CailinDana Fri 31-Jan-14 14:23:36

Tall Giraffe is right.

Kemmo Fri 31-Jan-14 14:24:22

And I disagree with Tall Giraffe. A 6/8 year old doesn't always have to be treated the same as a 2 year old. It is sometimes reasonable to have different rules.

5inabed Fri 31-Jan-14 14:28:36

I think they ABU. I have 3 children as well and if they have birthday parties then they all go and I wouldnt allow them to exclude one thats really unkind. My DC have never asked for one to be left out though. It would be different if they were going somewhere the little one couldnt go and would be unable to take part but they are staying at home so he could easily join in maybe your dh or dm could be there to supervise him ane remove him if he becomes difficult?

BackforGood Fri 31-Jan-14 14:28:43

I think your older dc are being quite reasonable too.
Hopefully, as well as the 'friends' party, you are also having an 'open presents on the day / blow candles out tea' which your little one can be included in. I think it's fair enough that older sibling sometimes want to do something that doesn't involve younger siblings. Unless you have an adult on hand whose job it is to stop the little one getting in the way ? It's another option - would Gps be able to do that at your house?
Agree with Kemmo - an older one is more easily able to follow rules about keeping out of little one's way, than a little one is about staying out of older ones way, so probably could sty out of way without being out of the house.

whitepuddingsupper Fri 31-Jan-14 14:28:50

I don't think you are unreasonable to consider excluding the littlest one if his big brothers are generally kind and tolerant to him. It's ok for them to want some "grown up" time without a toddler running riot and demanding all the attention.

DeWe Fri 31-Jan-14 14:29:08

I would do that quite happily. He'll have a lovely time being spoilt at the grandparents-much better than wondering round dividing your attention when you need to concentrate on the party, not quite understanding what's going on, perhaps getting upset because what they're doing is too hard...

There's a huge difference between 6 and 8yo and 2 (even nearly 3)yo.

Then you'll also be able to give your older ones more attention at their party.

Ds hasn't done his big sisters' parties. Sometimes that's space (if going in the car, it's only birthday child and 3 friends), sometimes it's because he can't do it, sometimes it's because he could do it, but only with extra help from an adult.

And when he has parties, the older ones will be able to help, but you'll find you won't want them joining in the games, because otherwise they'll win a disproportional amount of them.

Marcipex Fri 31-Jan-14 14:29:52

Couldn't a grandparent come to DS2 s party and keep the littlest involved but out of trouble, instead of sending him away?
I think for DS 1, it's quite reasonable to arrange an outing to Grannies. Can't it be a treat to have GPs to himself?

MerryMarigold Fri 31-Jan-14 14:31:02

I think he is a bit young to be bothered especially if he is going to GP's on his own for some 1:1 time which could be equally exciting. I think it will be very difficult on you, and can't see how he can join in even with 6yo's. That's a big age gap.

I would send him and get them to take him to McD's or softplay or something a bit fun.

ceebie Fri 31-Jan-14 14:31:55

I agree with Kemmo, disagree with Giraffe.

Make the visit to GPs a big treat. In my experience with a 3-year old, just having the prospect of sweets goes a very long way!

In fact when I promised to bring my 3 year old to a party then realised I couldn't, she and her Daddy and little brother had a 'pretend' party at home. They had party sandwiches, juice and a chocolate bar, played musical statues and I even made a pass the parcel using an unused gift I had squirrelled away. DD was totally made up and the actual real party was completely forgotten. It's amazing the simple things that can excite them. Would GPs be capable of a little fun 1-child party at theirs?

mumbaisapphirebluespruce Fri 31-Jan-14 14:32:07

It's a tricky one! I was going to say that you could exclude him from the elder child's party but let him attend your middle child's party because it's more age appropriate for him, but then that seems unfair on the eldest child. Thinking about it some more, actually, he's three, he's not going to remember. Send him to the GPs and don't make a big drama that he will be missing out. I think you need to be careful though going forward so that the youngest doesn't feel left out. It would be worth explaining to your elder two that you will agree to their request because it is a special occasion, but it will not become the norm.

AnneWentworth Fri 31-Jan-14 14:34:29

Yes neither of their birthdays are actually this weekend. My mum could come here but he really can be very disruptive and it is their day - they are usually very accommodating. He was going to go to ils and they won't come here.

I should say that excitement is likely to fuel him. Ds2 party I feel sure he will just enjoy playing party games, but then it is unfair that ds1 can exclude but not ds2.

zzzzz Fri 31-Jan-14 14:35:55

Nope, I would never do that. We are all part of family celebrations.

AnneWentworth Fri 31-Jan-14 14:37:18

Mumbai yes I think you are right. He loves going to gps and if he goes to in laws he will probably be with his two cousins who he loves.

Purplepippin Fri 31-Jan-14 14:37:40

I have 5 dc and I have never had the little ones attend the older ones parties jut because I feel it's there special time and I want all my attention on them and their guests and not have to worry what the little ones are up to. In our case they go to grandparents and have a wonderful time. It also works the other way and in a couple of weeks ds4 turns 4 and I am having a party for him and 15 of his little friends and I am sending ds2 and ds3 who are 9 and 7 to their grandparents for the day so I can focus on him. I don't see the problem with it.

AnneWentworth Fri 31-Jan-14 14:38:27

Zzzz our family celebration is separate though so he won't miss out in that respect and he will have his party when older DC are at school.

Purplepippin Fri 31-Jan-14 14:38:41

Should add we always do a special family birthday tea in addition to a party so they do all celebrate together.

curlew Fri 31-Jan-14 14:40:37

Your children are being perfectly reasonable. They are entitled to have their parties with their friends without little brother being in the way. There is no way a 6 or an 8 year old should have to have a 2 year old at their party unless they want to. Get grandma to give him a fantastic time. And make sure you have a family birthday tea so you can all celebrate together just family.

Chocotrekkie Fri 31-Jan-14 14:42:32

I would say that if he is really disruptive and "takes over" as a general thing (I've got one of these as well) and you dds have asked to have a party without him then their wishes should come into it.

At 6 and 8 they are going to remember and it will cause resentment for years if he "ruined" their party. At 2 he will not remember anything.

And the party is for you too - how much better will it be for you to concentrate on the party and it all going well.

Focus should be on the birthday girl and not on their little brother.

LadyVetinari Fri 31-Jan-14 14:43:29

I agree with PP that it's perfectly fine to treat 6-8 y/o siblings differently from toddlers on occasions like this, as long as it's within the context of a loving and generally inclusive family.

Yes it's important that your youngest DS doesn't grow up feeling left out, but it's also important that your elder DC don't grow up resenting him for spoiling or changing the dynamics of their own special days. The age gap is just big enough to be problematic, so you do need to be aware of that if you want all three DC to grow up maintaining the close bond that your eldest DC have already clearly developed.

Could you suggest that your older DC each donate £5 of birthday money for your younger DS to have a special day out with Granny and Grandpa?

AnneWentworth Fri 31-Jan-14 14:44:22

Chocotrekkie - I am pleased I am not the only one with one of those. He is delightful but easily has the strongest personality.

TheProsAndConsOfHitchhiking Fri 31-Jan-14 14:45:51

I think your older dc are being reasonable. You could always have a family celebration on a different day to the party.

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