Mil and my daughter

(86 Posts)
Kirkdale Fri 31-Jan-14 11:26:59

My mil is going to be looking after my dd for 2 days a week when I go back to work. I was going to go back full time but hate the thought of leaving her.
Anyway I used to be comfortable with mil before I had my dd. But now aibu that I really dislike the way she's going to look after my dd?
She says things like "I will bring her up how I brought up my other kids" and I keep saying but she's different and tell her how I want things done. She disregards what I tell her.

I tell her to keep her dog away from my child cos it's an grumpy jealous snappy thing yet every time she gives dd back to me she says "yes I called the dog over so he could smell her so he knows to protect her" from what, the f**in post man?

She also let my dd crawl down the hall way to the cat litter tray when I was using the bathroom and when I told her she must keep am eye on her cos she is not to go near litter/pet food etc she then says "oh its ok the cat doesn't shit in it she goes outside" she checked the tray later and the cat had shit in it.
She always keeps saying that she'll let dd play with the pet food. I think that's disgusting.

Am I wrong to keep having to tell her what to do? And saying to her to keep the dog away etc? (the dog has already bitten an adult and growls at me even tho I don't touch the animal)

I feel sick with worry when I have to leave her with mil but my OH says we have no choice as I have to work and can't afford a proper childminder or any other child care.

I know she's doing us a favour but it's making me ill!!

NigellasDealer Fri 31-Jan-14 11:59:05

yes well she is a cheeky beeyatch - you are bringing up your daughter not her - she had her turn before!
do not even let her get her foot in the door by using her for unpaid childcare, you are playing right into her hands, before you know it she will be 'granny's girl' with you playing second fiddle (pardon the high cliche count).
do not even entertain it - phone around some CMs and nurseries now!

Kirkdale Fri 31-Jan-14 12:01:14

I might tell her to put that left over dog food in her mouth if it's that acceptable. And tell her to play with cat shit. I dunno why she thinks it's acceptable..!
And cumber cookie I have cats and luckily they stay away from dd but I do keep her away from kitchen where there stuff is cos it ain't right!

poopooheadwillyfatface Fri 31-Jan-14 12:02:29

*You either need to accept how she does things or find other child care. You cannot tell her what to do when she's doing you a favour and saving you a fortune*

This ^^

He/she who pays the piper calls the tune, I'm afraid.
My MIL is pretty great, but when she occasionally looks after my children for free she does things how she wants, it's her call. If you want things your way, you choose a carer and pay them.

Floggingmolly Fri 31-Jan-14 12:06:12

I would find an alternative. Just curious, though, why do you keep telling your MIL that your dd is not like her children (including her father, presumably); she's "different"?

Kirkdale Fri 31-Jan-14 12:06:41

She's not doing it for free. Just a lot less than professional child care.

PMDD Fri 31-Jan-14 12:11:10

OP, what do you mean she isn't doing it for free? How much less than paid professional child care?

This does shed a new light on it, if money is exchanging, how ever much less, then yes you should have more of a say.

ISeeYouShiverWithAntici Fri 31-Jan-14 12:11:13

Accept how she does things has limits! That's more about having a bowl of ice cream or not enforcing nap time. I don't think it can reasonably b e argued to extend to not restricting access to the baby for a dog with a history of biting people, allowing a child to get hold of faeces or letting them chew on pet food!

petalsandstars Fri 31-Jan-14 12:11:38

If she is getting paid then you can to some extent set the rules surely. Look into a childminder, seriously, as this will get worse.

My mum and sis have looked after mine when I'm at work but they have the same parenting style pretty much as me and would never do what you've posted. They ask if they are not sure how I would do something and I trust them both to the extent that my sis will have my dcs if anything happens to me and DH. In your shoes I would run a mile from this offer.

JackNoneReacher Fri 31-Jan-14 12:12:13

Normally I would say speak to her be open but pleasant. However, I think her choice of words says so much, that in this case I wouldn't bother. She's going to do exactly as she pleases. So either get someone else or give in now.

Although any mention of jealous, snappy dogs is really enough for me.

YOu will get what you pay for.

Only1scoop Fri 31-Jan-14 12:13:54

So what's you next move kirk?....have you looked into nursery/cm care for the two days. Have you costed the difference from paying mil? May not be as much as you think.
When returning to work you need to know dc is in a safe environment in every aspect otherwise you will worry yourself silly.

Pay a CM!

My own DM is a CM and my DD goes there part time. I pay her (I insisted) but do get a sigbificant discoubt.

However, she accepts and understands that dd is my dd and not hers, and if I say she isnt ready to potty train, or im weaning on finger food not puree then she just goes along with it.

MadIsTheNewNormal Fri 31-Jan-14 12:17:18

It is completely wrong to compromise on your own standards of childcare just because it is free. Go to work and pay for a proper childminder if you are not happy with the way your MIL wants to do things. If prepared to do the job of a childminder for nothing on a regular/permanent basis then you can hardly lay down the law about how you want things done in her house.

If you cannot make working worthwhile after paying for childcare then don't bother working. If it is worthwhile after paying for childcare then don't get greedy by expecting someone else to do it for free. Especially not if it means making difficult compromises.

lilyaldrin Fri 31-Jan-14 12:19:28

Find a childminder, or put up with MIL's ways. You aren't going to succeed in making her do things your way.

Nanny0gg Fri 31-Jan-14 12:21:44

I didn't think you were supposed to take money for childminding if you weren't registered?

You need to find some alternative OP.

And as to the poster who said:
I don't like it when my mum shouts at my middle child because I feel she picks on him. However, as she is doing me a favour in looking after my children on an evening to allow my DH and I time alone, I just suck it up.

shock

Kirkdale Fri 31-Jan-14 12:22:34

It seems easier to do night shifts. I'm lucky my work are very accommodating about me coming back. Apparently I've been missed. So I will sort out night shifts for more days. At least I get spend time with my baby!

WooWooOwl Fri 31-Jan-14 12:24:43

While professional childcare does cost a fortune, professional care givers are paid very little. If your mil is being paid less than that, or you are paying her NMW and contributions as an employer, then you aren't paying her enough to be able to dictate what she does.

ivykaty44 Fri 31-Jan-14 12:25:03

Get a childminder, nanny or a nursery place for your dd

Only1scoop Fri 31-Jan-14 12:26:59

Who will mind your dc on return from your night shifts? Hope you get things sorted.

Melonbreath Fri 31-Jan-14 12:27:17

Don't do it. I did. Biggest mistake ever.
My controlling self absorbed mil got her claws well and truly in. My oh will not stand up to her and thinks the sun shines out of her arse.
mil is totally encourages dd to call her mummy, ignores everything I say, dd plays with ancient plastic toys that are broken with sharp edges, and doesn't change her nappy enough so she comes home with rashes and totally hyper as she's been bunged in the pushchair all day.

I ended up quitting my job because of it.

Only1scoop Fri 31-Jan-14 12:28:23

Blimey Melon sounds awful hmm

HazleNutt Fri 31-Jan-14 12:31:16

Your MIL is clearly telling you that she is planning to ignore all your wishes and besides that, will put your child in danger (snappy dogs, cat shit etc. dry pet food is a significant choking hazard). Don't do it.

Kirkdale Fri 31-Jan-14 12:34:31

Only1 not all night! Till 10pm. I can live with that.

ghostofawasp Fri 31-Jan-14 12:36:04

If you think that her not looking after your child will have repercussions, think of what will happen if she does -there's bound to be issues every single day and the resentment will just run and run...

rockybalboa Fri 31-Jan-14 12:37:13

MIL's attitude to the bitey dog and the cat shit would be a deal breaker to me. Your OH needs to grow some nuts and sort it.

NoLikeyNoLighty Fri 31-Jan-14 12:38:41

No WAY would I be leaving my child there, regardless of her being family or any tension it might cause!
I'd be a flat out, straight NO just with the dog bit, all the other stuff would push me over the edge! smile
I'd be ringing around nurseries.

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