Mil and my daughter

(86 Posts)
Kirkdale Fri 31-Jan-14 11:26:59

My mil is going to be looking after my dd for 2 days a week when I go back to work. I was going to go back full time but hate the thought of leaving her.
Anyway I used to be comfortable with mil before I had my dd. But now aibu that I really dislike the way she's going to look after my dd?
She says things like "I will bring her up how I brought up my other kids" and I keep saying but she's different and tell her how I want things done. She disregards what I tell her.

I tell her to keep her dog away from my child cos it's an grumpy jealous snappy thing yet every time she gives dd back to me she says "yes I called the dog over so he could smell her so he knows to protect her" from what, the f**in post man?

She also let my dd crawl down the hall way to the cat litter tray when I was using the bathroom and when I told her she must keep am eye on her cos she is not to go near litter/pet food etc she then says "oh its ok the cat doesn't shit in it she goes outside" she checked the tray later and the cat had shit in it.
She always keeps saying that she'll let dd play with the pet food. I think that's disgusting.

Am I wrong to keep having to tell her what to do? And saying to her to keep the dog away etc? (the dog has already bitten an adult and growls at me even tho I don't touch the animal)

I feel sick with worry when I have to leave her with mil but my OH says we have no choice as I have to work and can't afford a proper childminder or any other child care.

I know she's doing us a favour but it's making me ill!!

Lottiedoubtie Fri 31-Jan-14 11:28:46

Don't leave your DD with her. I cannot for a moment imagine why you would in these circumstances.

ChasedByBees Fri 31-Jan-14 11:29:48

She will not do what you tell / ask her. She just won't. Your only option is to not leave her with her. I would find anyway possible to make that happen.

WorraLiberty Fri 31-Jan-14 11:30:50

Your child is the most important thing to you

I don't know why you're even considering sub standard childcare

Surely there has to be another way?

TalkieToaster Fri 31-Jan-14 11:32:24

You have to find paid childcare. You HAVE to.

Imagine if you visited a childminder and she said all those things to you. You wouldn't go near her. This is no different. Just because your MIL is 'free' doesn't mean she's an option. She's not.

SaucyJack Fri 31-Jan-14 11:34:20

Don't leave your daughter there.

Rightly or wrongly, if you want professional staff who're going to do as you tell them, then you need to pay them for it.

Topaz25 Fri 31-Jan-14 11:35:16

It is simply not safe to leave your DD with someone who owns a dog that has already bitten and refuses to keep her away from the dog. This situation is not just less than ideal, it is unacceptable. You and your OH need to sit down and discuss this and your finances to find another way. He should prioritise your DD's safety.

Only1scoop Fri 31-Jan-14 11:35:52

I would say absolute no and that is without the 'snappy, jealous dog' part of the already worrying arrangement.

AwfulMaureen Fri 31-Jan-14 11:36:11

She's not "bringing your child up" she's looking after her. Anyway...I agree with others, DO NOT use her. Pay for a professional.

Monetbyhimself Fri 31-Jan-14 11:39:14

If you don't want to pay for decent childcare, then this is what you have to accept.

Cluffyflump Fri 31-Jan-14 11:39:59

The fall out from not letting mil look after her will be big.
The harm that could (very likely) come to your Dd, if you use mil for child care... Catastrophic.

I don't really see you have a choice.

2tiredtocare Fri 31-Jan-14 11:43:31

Could you employ a childminder, there are some great ones out there and not as expensive as nursery? You wont be able to relax with your baby in a situation you are not entitely comfortable with.

Kirkdale Fri 31-Jan-14 11:44:19

Thanks. I tell my OH its wrong and he tells me I have to tell her cos he won't. And sometimes he tells me to just stop moaning about it.. But I feel awkward
He wouldn't tell my mum something to her face if he was unhappy with something.

:'(

ISeeYouShiverWithAntici Fri 31-Jan-14 11:47:59

"her other kids"

?

that is a very revealing choice of words.

This isn't her child. If she can't understand that, then it is not a good idea to hand any portion of the child's care to her.

She is not going to listen to you. She IS going to let your child do all the things you describe if you let her look after the child.

I don't think you have the luxury of the choice you want, which is to have her look after your child your way and save the money.

so you either have to pay someone to look after your child, look into changing hours or doing something so that you don't need childcare (which isn't always an option with bills to pay!) or you let her do it and hope to god your child doesn't get bitten or contract a disease from the faeces or end up snacking on pet food.

The risk of harm to your child is not a risk worth taking. Your partner may want to believe that the child will be ok because he really WANTS that to be the case, but wanting doesn't affect outcome. What will happen, will happen, regardless how much a person doesn't want to believe it will or could.

NigellasDealer Fri 31-Jan-14 11:48:18

either pay for childcare or do not go back to work, it is not worth it. What if your child was bitten?
apart from that, hasnt she got a right cheek saying 'I will bring her up how i like'? It is you bringing up your child, not her, and you should establish that now, that is NOW!!
good luck, and remember that a few quid a week extra now is just not worth it in the long term.

TalkieToaster Fri 31-Jan-14 11:48:34

Make it his problem. Sort out alternate childcare and then when MIL mentions looking after your DD, look really surprised and say 'DH didn't tell you? He was supposed to tell you!' and then explain you're using paid childcare.

A good way to put it would be to say you want to do it for the social aspect, and/or, you realised you want your DD to have a lovely relationship with her grandma doing special things and soneone you know used grandparents for childcare and TERRIBLE THINGS HAPPENED and the family relationship was never the same and blah, blah, you wouldn't want to run that risk because MIL is SO important, blah, blah... Flatter her to death and she won't complain. grin

zzzzz Fri 31-Jan-14 11:49:46

Change. Change now. Change quickly.
Your daughter needs you to step up.
You are not going to wring your hands and leave your beautiful defenceless girl with a dog that bites, and shit and animal food for free play.
That's not going to happen because HER MOTHER says "no".

Time to accept a different way to be.

Petitgrain Fri 31-Jan-14 11:49:49

Stand up for yourself to your partner when he tells you what to do, for goodness' sake. And follow your instincts. Why are you letting others dictate to you with regard to your child?

petalsandstars Fri 31-Jan-14 11:53:08

Get paid childcare. And tell your H to cut the apron strings. Definitely don't leave baby with MIL

CumberCookie Fri 31-Jan-14 11:54:01

That is disgusting. I say that as a person with two cats. I'd never let children go anywhere near the litter tray. Don't let her look after our daughter.

FrequentFlyerRandomDent Fri 31-Jan-14 11:54:58

OP - your OH says you cannot afford it. Have you made the sums yourself, using ot only your single income but your joint household income (for DD is not only your financial responsibility)?

Kirkdale Fri 31-Jan-14 11:56:09

Talker toaster that did make me laugh. She is self important. Telling me her attitudes towards how kids should be bought up. I did say to her when she said about bringing up dd like her kids were bought up - "well she is different to your kids, she's going to be brought up my way". She said "oh, yeah"

PMDD Fri 31-Jan-14 11:57:54

I may be going against the tide of opinion here, but if you are asking someone to look after your child for free on a very regular basis, family or not, you will have far limited amount of say over how your child is looked after whilst there.

Of course you should expect your child to be looked after safely and not mentally or physically abused. However, there are certain things you will not like that you just have to suck up.

If you can not suck it up, you will have to make other arrangements.

I don't like it when my mum shouts at my middle child because I feel she picks on him. However, as she is doing me a favour in looking after my children on an evening to allow my DH and I time alone, I just suck it up.

Life is all about balance. You have to balance the fact she is doing you a favour to allow you and your family to have more income, with the fact that your child will not be cared for Exactly as you wish.

One way of getting over this view, is to think your child will be with you 5 days of the week, thus balancing out the 2 days he is with your MIL.

Kaluki Fri 31-Jan-14 11:58:03

Your DH is being unreasonable.
Who does he think he is? Tell him you aren't going back to work and leaving DD with his mother. Either you or a childminder will look after her and that's that!

WooWooOwl Fri 31-Jan-14 11:58:34

I don't think you can dictate everything she does when she's looking after your dd. If you're going to leave your child with someone else then you need to be able to trust their judgement on most things and you shouldn't leave your child with someone who doesn't have similar ideas to yourself.

I wouldn't want my baby crawling around near cat shit either, but I wouldn't have a problem with a good dog being allowed to sniff.

If you don't like how this woman look as after your child then YABVU to let her.

You either need to accept how she does things or find other child care. You cannot tell her what to do when she's doing you a favour and saving you a fortune.

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