To tell my siblings about my childhood sexual abuse at the hands of another sibling?

(19 Posts)
ZillionChocolate Sat 01-Feb-14 08:02:23

I wouldn't see being cut off from your family as a punishment. In some ways it's probably a blessing. Do you really want your children involved with people who are unfair and uncaring to say the least?

DwellsUndertheSink Sat 01-Feb-14 07:31:16

Outkast, did you ever talk to your sibling about this? Maybe she needs to know that you have been able to move on in your own way, and that you accept maybe that she is not to blame - give her the opportunity to tell you or not what was happening in her life at the time.

I think also that your family is ostracising you because they are worried about your sisters mental health. You are a threat to their nice cosy denial, so you must be kept at bay.

You may find that your acceptance of what happened, and the fact thaat you are prepared to think that your sister may have been acting what she had experienced, may go a long way to help her heal. She must be awash with guilt and the need for self preservation.

OutKast Thu 30-Jan-14 11:56:39

The sibling is female. She has had unexplained infertility so is childless. She been distant from the rest of the family for years and has been suicidal at one point. I am not worried about her abusing anyone else, although it explains why I would never let her babysit for my DC.

I believe she may have been abused by someone else and was 'acting out' on me. She was young teenage. My mother discovered it and decided I was to blame. I have always been the scapegoat. Uncovering it all may help her as well as me or it may tip her over the edge sad. I have never discussed it with her. I don't wish to 'punish' her for it but why should I be punished instead? My DC are affected by being cut off from my family as well as me.

My mother is a disgrace, I know that but to my siblings she is a 'saint'.

45redballoons Thu 30-Jan-14 11:28:49

Why are they dismissing you without knowing what happened? What is she telling them?

I can understand it being very hard for your mum to accept her son could do something like that and in turn getting angry. I know that doesn't help you, but I can understand it, I would hope today though even if she didn't believe it she would at least go along to therapy sessions with you to learn why you are saying these things, then hopefully she'd believe you. Is that possible?

LoveWine Thu 30-Jan-14 11:26:16

I would definitely tell the other siblings. They can then decide whether they want to keep in contact with you or believe your mother. Your mother sounds awful and should have supported you in this - it was her responsibility to protect you.
Explaining what happened to your siblings I think will help you and it might have happened to one of the others as well. If they then choose not to communicate with you, maybe they are not worthy of your time. You never know how people will react so I would at least try to to give them the reason your mother calls you "evil".
Good luck with this!

oh you poor thing. As a survivor of family abuse I have to echo what dwells says.

Siblings may be wonderful and supportive, or may be quite the opposite. Sadly mine were rubbish, and said and did all the worst things, such as demanding to know 'details' of the abuse, and telling me how awful this was for them, and that they didn't need to hear this stuff. The final insult, being to then forget/ignore/disbelief what I'd disclosed and eventually continue their relationship with my abuser. My own conscience is clear though, as my siblings have children who have contact. I have informed all the relevant officials and the family, and then walked away sad

Really sorry for your dreadful experiences, and well done on seizing back your life thanks

Mia4 Thu 30-Jan-14 11:23:18

Rest have cut you off based on her say so without even talking to you and asking then they may not listen. If it would help you though then do it. Just expect nothing to come of it except perhaps closure that you have put the truth out there. That way they may hopefully surprise you.

Do you have friends to support you? A dp?

Mia4 Thu 30-Jan-14 11:19:33

Your mother doesn't deserved that title at all. What a piece of shit.

Im sorry op. I would suggest seeing a counsellor and speaking to them about it first. If you do tell them or when you do then iI would use email to and send a concise unemotional email.

I wouldwouldn't expect to much though sadly. Your mother sounds manipulative and if the res

DwellsUndertheSink Thu 30-Jan-14 11:16:44

do you have one sibling to whom you are/were close? Tell them, and give the responsibility to them to disseminate the information. Maybe under the guise of protecting and nieces and nephews from the abuser?.

Keep it all matter of fact, giving only the bare bones of the information, and then tell them you love them all and that your DM is wrong about you and your motives. Then walk away.

Your mother is despicable. YANBU.

GummiberryJuice Thu 30-Jan-14 11:14:14

What if the abuser is abusing someone else? A niece or nephew and you didn't speak out.

ZillionChocolate Thu 30-Jan-14 11:07:47

It sounds like you all grew up in a dysfunctional family. I don't think you can necessarily expect appropriate reactions from the uninvolved siblings. Given that they have rejected you, maybe you have nothing to lose, but do you think you can cope if they accuse you of lying etc?

DarlingGrace Thu 30-Jan-14 11:07:20

What do you want from your siblings?

If it to have 'the golden child' cast out - then your motives are wrong.

Unless you siblings have a history of problems with your mother, they will not turn against her in your favour.

Joysmum Thu 30-Jan-14 11:04:56

If you feel you want to tell them to benefit you, then oh ahead.

However, I think if you are expecting some miraculous understanding, empathy and sympathy from them you'll be hurt by the lack of it.

Even if they did come get to that stage, it would take ages and they probably won't be in a position to help and support you as they'll need time to come to terms with a sibling being abused, a sibling being an abuser, and a mother being compliant and supporting an abuser. None of those things will be easier for them as it is for you.

TheArmadillo Thu 30-Jan-14 11:01:57

What a horrible thing to happen to you. I hope you are getting support with this.

It is up to you whether you approach your other siblings or not but your first priority needs to be to protect and look after yourself. Bear in mind you may not get the outcome you are looking for and they may still decide to support your mother and abusive sibling.

You need to be in a strong place to do this. There also isn't a time limit so you can take as long as you like to decide what to do.

Take care of yourself thanks

selfdestructivelady Thu 30-Jan-14 10:59:06

If you feel you need to tell them as part of your recovery then yanbu.

OutKast Thu 30-Jan-14 10:56:16

FFS not sure what happened to the bold type there!

OutKast Thu 30-Jan-14 10:54:19

Sorry. I want my siblings to know what happened and my mother's part in it then maybe they will feel sorry *for me and actually give a shit about me!

Yes, I know how pathetic that sounds but I feel so alone sad.

OutKast Thu 30-Jan-14 10:51:52

My mother was aware of it and as I have recently had therapy for childhood abuse (not just sexual), I have brought it up with her and she told me to 'get over it'. Since then she has told me never to contact her again and has also told my siblings not to contact me as I have said hurtful things to her and am 'crazy''. I am now the family outcast and not one member of my massive family sent so much as a Christmas card let alone a present for my DCs.

My other siblings don't know what was done to me. The sibling who did it was much older than me but my mother's 'goldenchild' hence me getting blamed and being called 'filthy and evil'. I had accepted it was my shame until therapy and I realised just how much it has affected me.

I want my siblings to know what happened and my mother's part in it then maybe they will feel sorry me actually give a shit about me! I feel I am still being punished for this by being cast out. I worry that the sibling who abused me may suffer though if it comes out as they have had mental health issues in the past (as have I unsurprisingly hmm). I know my mother does not want anyone else to know and that is why I have been labelled 'crazy' and cut off.

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