To be upset my friend is excluding me?

(146 Posts)
LoveGarfield Wed 29-Jan-14 17:14:25

I have a friend who I've known for 5 years, we met through taking our DC to the local play group. Last year she switched schools and her DC now attend the school my DC attend (I recommended it as she wasn't happy with her school).

She still chats to me in the playground at drop off and pick up, but only when there is no one else about. We occasionally meet for coffee too.

Recently I've begun noticing she has created a big social life around other school parents, lots of dinners and lunches with other sets of parents. What I am finding odd, is that she has never invited me and DH to anything. I find it strange because some of the other parents she has only known for a few months. It's also odd that we chat about our plans for the week end, she always says "we're having dinner with 'friends' ", rather than saying the names of the people that we mutually know. Why be secretive?

I do have other friends at the school and obviously hear about these nights out and lunches. As a long standing friend, and our DH's are friendly too, I wonder sometimes why she excludes us. It makes me feel a bit low if I'm honest.

pancakedays Fri 14-Feb-14 15:08:38

Her true colours will show through LoveGarfield.
I would try and not be drawn into her mind games though, people like this make awful enemies, and portray themselves as victims, imagine her saying 'look everyone, LoveGarfield is excluding me, we've been friends for so long, what have I done?
She is not worth anymore wasted energy, and will not be worth you feeling uncomfortable at school pick-up. Remember you still have to see her at school daily!
Keep the pleasant 'morning', and gradually move away from her. Don't bitch about her to anyone, in a couple of years you can use ' our lives just went in different directions etc', if anyone asks you about it.
She is not your friend, but don't make her your enemy.
Also remember the saying, if you can count your true friends on one hand, you're very lucky!

nova1111 Fri 14-Feb-14 13:18:24

She puts on such a good front though.

Yes. The two in our playground are so good at raking new people in. True social butterflies. Over time though people get their measure.

LoveGarfield Fri 14-Feb-14 13:00:34

Yes, I think she is insecure. She puts on such a good front though. She does like to be centre of attention but quite covert about it. Her husband is extremely controlling. Maybe she is trying to regain some control in her life at the school gates as she has so little control in her home.

I just to become less irritated by her behaviour. I would like her to stay out of my life/social circle but she's not going to do that.

Hullygully Fri 14-Feb-14 12:49:37

Insecurity.

She is competitive, wants to be the centre of attention and doesn't want you around in case you get in the way.

ercolercol Fri 14-Feb-14 12:38:13

She's a wendy - can someone succinct explain to the OP?

eddielizzard Fri 14-Feb-14 11:55:58

i don't know. insecurity?

seems ridiculous and i also would never have thought people behaved like this but i know a couple like this unfortunately.

lazyhound444 Fri 14-Feb-14 11:07:25

I didn't realise adults acted like this until I had children and had to put up with all the school gate politics and mafia. I was really niave at first and took everyone at face value but soon learned that some people had a very weird agenda and strange definition of "friendship". Luckily I got a nice bunch in the end and weeded out all the whackos before I questioned my own sanity too much.

LoveGarfield Fri 14-Feb-14 09:33:54

Just cannot fathom why people behave like this. They must put a lot of time and energy into it.

I know a girl exactly like this. She became friends with me and my group, started bitching to one of my mutual friends (who told me) and I confronted her about it.

She went out of her way to exclude me from the others and ignore me, then would text me and ask to meet up. Then, when I saw her at work she would blank me again. Luckily, my other friends are wise to her shit so it won't be long before she jumps ship to another set of friends.

Just take a step back, ignore it and continue with your other friendships. Concentrate on doing what you enjoy with your friends and fuck whatever she is up to. She may come crawling back eventually, when everyone gets sick and tired of her (as in my situation) and if she doesn't there is no big loss.

LoveGarfield Fri 14-Feb-14 09:25:19

She arrived towards the end so it didn't sour lunch, and my friend has some idea of what she is about.

My answer was to keep very far away from this woman, which I have done. But she still wants to interfere in my social life or show the world that she has the most friends. Flighty friendships though, she doesn't have any old friends from life before the school gates.

Laura0806 Fri 14-Feb-14 09:07:06

she sounds like shes not got a lot else in her life but meddling in other peoples but sadly very similar to a 'friend' of mine as I may have said earlier in your thread. Very very difficult to not give her space in your head but please try and if you find the answer please let me know

CuntyBunty Fri 14-Feb-14 08:43:45

That's rude of her Garfield. I bet she soured your lunch too, didn't she? Don't give her space in your head; she sounds horrible and rude. Was your other friend embarrassed of Excluding Friend's behaviour, at being implicated in it in such a way?

Anyway, there's nothing wrong with you.

LoveGarfield Thu 13-Feb-14 22:04:40

After this morning, I think I have had a lucky escape Jellypoppingcandy.

I met another friend from school for lunch, and the excluding friend turns up to buy a take away (just coincidence, the place where we met is opposite school). She then sparks up conversation with the friend I was eating lunch with, pretty much excluding me and at the same time finding out why we are meeting and what our plans are.

Is she trying to send me a message! I haven't spoken to her much this week and certainly think she has noticed. Why do some women care so much about being top dog at school - have they no life outside of school.

beatricedante Thu 30-Jan-14 15:49:58

As someone up thread said, she sounds flighty. Keep her at a distance. I,ve known similar people. Not sure what her motivation is but sounds like she wants lots of friends for different reasons. Perhaps she prefers superficial friendships but you prefer deeper friendships. Perhaps keep her as a friend for when you want something to do but don't put any further importance on the friendship.

Tokyocalling Thu 30-Jan-14 14:13:39

Could it be she likes you but her DH does not?

Grennie Thu 30-Jan-14 13:48:34

Fiscal - I agree it is maybe her DP that is the issue. I am friends with individuals, doesn't mean sometimes I don't think their DP is unbearable.

CuntyBunty Thu 30-Jan-14 13:32:16

Ha, good strategy, Flowery, the school yard is a nightmare.

I have been in situations like this.

I have a lovely friend, and she thinks our DHs get on well, but secretly my DH thinks her DH is a bore.

So, I meet up with her for lunch or coffee, but dinner is tricky as we tend to mix more in the evening with couples we are both friends with, as that's just easier.

I also have a friend who is lovely, but her DH has such a chip on his shoulder about posh people, that whenever he gets together with us he starts making digs about "People with kids in private schools" and "alright for some" and seems so bitter and envious, it is hard to incorporate him in a fun evening.

So maybe something like that is going on (not saying something is wrong with your DH, but maybe her DH and your DH simply don't click)

MargotLovedTom Thu 30-Jan-14 13:10:05

I don't think I'd be able to stop myself from saying something, but it would be an off-the-cuff remark after someone has just dropped her in it yet again:

"Blimey, I'm starting to think DH and I have got BO or something, saying as we never get invited to any of your little soirées."

then give her a bloody wide berth.

flowery Thu 30-Jan-14 13:07:21

How does anyone have enough headspace for this type of thing?

This is why I sit in the car until 30 seconds before DS is due out of school, turn up, pick him up, go.

CuntyBunty Thu 30-Jan-14 12:53:16

Just be polite, but really, she isn't that nice. I CBA with that after a bit. Stick with your other mates and you'll be fine.

I know your feeling are hurt, but once you accept that she is just like this and is not going to change, you'll feel alot better. I can see it is a bit hurtful though, we all like to be popular/liked, to an extent.

Laura0806 Thu 30-Jan-14 12:42:45

Totally agree with the last 3 posters. Take control of the situation and ignore her! Its only when you take control rather than being passive that you will move on and stop thinking about it. thats what i had to do. I can't say it doesn't hurt from time to time but its much better now, good luck!

gotthemoononastick Thu 30-Jan-14 12:42:31

Maybe she is head over heels with your husband and trying to avoid him and all of your family for her own sake?Dangerous ground and all that!

HelloBoys Thu 30-Jan-14 12:29:17

Oh and a final thing.

I would invite them ALL out - for a nice evening maybe somewhere you all wanted to go. Make sure plenty of notice etc and include them all.

this way from their responses you SHOULD find out who is keen on your company and who isn't. You never know you may find another mum who is even more friendly and worthy of your company than original friend who quite frankly sounds like a prize bitch and I'd phase out.

HelloBoys Thu 30-Jan-14 12:26:47

OP - if this woman is playing games (which it sounds like it) then treat it as you would if you were at school.

Ignore and move on. I mean how old is she? Come on. Maybe if the other mums tell you about how great their night way you COULD butt in and say "sounds fab but I wasn't invited". you then get the pitying looks or the other friends may say to your friend "invite LoveGarfield next time" - either in front of you all or when you aren't there.

You COULD speak to her (people have suggested not to though) and say you find this hurtful and is there a reason why? but you run the risk of her brushing this off and telling you nothing's wrong or her still socialising without you.

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