To be upset my friend is excluding me?

(146 Posts)
LoveGarfield Wed 29-Jan-14 17:14:25

I have a friend who I've known for 5 years, we met through taking our DC to the local play group. Last year she switched schools and her DC now attend the school my DC attend (I recommended it as she wasn't happy with her school).

She still chats to me in the playground at drop off and pick up, but only when there is no one else about. We occasionally meet for coffee too.

Recently I've begun noticing she has created a big social life around other school parents, lots of dinners and lunches with other sets of parents. What I am finding odd, is that she has never invited me and DH to anything. I find it strange because some of the other parents she has only known for a few months. It's also odd that we chat about our plans for the week end, she always says "we're having dinner with 'friends' ", rather than saying the names of the people that we mutually know. Why be secretive?

I do have other friends at the school and obviously hear about these nights out and lunches. As a long standing friend, and our DH's are friendly too, I wonder sometimes why she excludes us. It makes me feel a bit low if I'm honest.

diddl Wed 29-Jan-14 17:40:48

"I am friendly with these other people" so??

mollygibson Wed 29-Jan-14 17:41:42

I would feel hurt by this too, to be honest… it is odd.

Sadly though I don’t think there’s anything you can do about it – as others have said, confronting her would look needy. It sounds harsh but I think you need to be less invested in this friendship. Somebody who only talks to you when there’s nobody else around isn’t much of a friend IMO.

I would distance myself and focus on other friendships... be polite when you meet her but don’t show her that her behaviour bothers you. I had a friend who was a bit like this and this was my approach... we are still friends, and meet up from time to time, which is perfectly nice but I don't expect too much from the friendship any more - just take it for what it is and don't invest too much in it.

DrNick Wed 29-Jan-14 17:41:48

agree with wilson

plus you need to step away from the school gate - arrive late or something'

or get a job - and hey presto loads of mates!

DrNick Wed 29-Jan-14 17:42:16

maybe you were just a " baby mate" ie all you had in common was your kids?

DontmindifIdo Wed 29-Jan-14 17:43:28

Wilson is right - "auditioning for new friends" is exactly what she's doing! she also probably doesn't want to involve you in it because if you become part of a group she later decides she doesn't like, it'll be hard to keep seeing you alone.

Make your own plans, do group things if you like. If you sometimes invite her too, she see you as part of a group, and also reinforce that you are friends with these people too so she better not be slagging them off to you.

LoveGarfield Wed 29-Jan-14 17:43:57

I'm not sure we have made the cut because we are not included in their social life! For example there was a Christmas drinks they held, and a fair number of parents from school were invited but not us.

gandalfcat Wed 29-Jan-14 17:46:24

If she is happy to socialise with you, perhaps her DH has an issue with your DH that means your not welcome as a couple?

LoveGarfield Wed 29-Jan-14 17:47:24

No, DH's really do get on. So do our DC.

DaffodilShoots Wed 29-Jan-14 17:47:25

NannyOgg has it in a nutshell.

Distance yourself and get other friends or accept the situation. I'd back away myself but I'm fussy about friends so don't have huge numbers of them!

MrsKent Wed 29-Jan-14 17:48:37

Next time she mentions she's having dinner with friends I'd say "yes, so and so mentioned"... She may then talk about it.

rollonthesummer Wed 29-Jan-14 17:49:21

Sounds like she's not into your friendship as much as you. Bloody cheek to tell you not to invite someone to yours though when she doesn't bother to invite you to her dos!

LoveGarfield Wed 29-Jan-14 17:50:10

So it would seem we don't fit into her social ideals then? Maybe that's the issue here. But we have similar careers, about the same amount of money, similar houses, etc. I can't see how she would see us as a lower social circle than herself.

IshouldhavemarriedEwanMcGregor Wed 29-Jan-14 17:50:26

Why doesn't anyone ever state the obvious on these threads!

If people are making arrangements with lots of mutual friends and not you then it means they don't like you as much and don't want to spend 'out of hours' time with you.

I'm sorry if you are hurt by this woman but honestly, it's not the end of the world. Don't you like some people more than others? Don't we (shouldn't we) all get to an age where we allow ourselves to be friends with who we want to be and don't waste valuable time making arrangements with people who are perfectly nice but we don't click with...?

DrNick Wed 29-Jan-14 17:50:53

She is just not that much into you OP

Junebugjr Wed 29-Jan-14 17:52:16

Her behaviour sounds weird, but its not something you can bring up without appearing needy. Distance yourself from her, she doesn't sound very nice, and what really are you getting out of the relationship. Concentrate on your other friendships.

LoveGarfield Wed 29-Jan-14 17:53:12

I don't want to make her talk about it if she wants to keep it to herself, just wonder why she does keep it secret from me in the first place!

The feeling I get is that she doesn't want me in on anything, but I am not sure why.

Pancakeflipping Wed 29-Jan-14 17:54:22

I am going through similar LoveGarfield. Friend of 7 yrs still texts me and chats, acts like we are great buddies but we don't meet up anymore. She has a new friend and they are together a lot and has no time for me or other friends.

It really hurts doesn't it? And I don't like feeling like I am 12yrs old again. Trying to act with dignity. But I keep wanting to stamp my feet.

I have decided that I will widen my social circle, and tonight going out with some people I hardly know but I will know them better by the end of the night.

pictish Wed 29-Jan-14 17:55:20

Hmm...the more you write, the more I'm inclined to think of her as a selfish social climber who thinks you are surplus to requirements atm, but who wants to keep you on as an option.

Do not let her affect your friendships with others. Operate completely seperately from her, while remaining cheerful and pleasant.

Do NOT give this person any fuel which she may use against you (just a hunch) - don't complain about all this, and don't seek her approval or permission to forge your own way with these friends.

Fact is...she's not arsed about you...so fuck her.

fedupandfifty Wed 29-Jan-14 17:55:25

love I had a friend like this too. Very sociable, and our kids got on great from nursery til the age of about 8. She would go out of her way for me, and seemed genuine in her liking of me. Then suddenly she dropped me, and discouraged her ds from playing with my dd. She had loads of "friends" , but, like your friend, moved around people, taking them up and dropping them. I genuinely don't think she meant to hurt anyone, but I, for one, was very upset.

I think she was just flighty, like the person mentioned upthread. Perhaps your friend is like this?

In your shoes, I'd move on, otherwise you'll look needy and desperate. Be civil, but keep it at that.

LoveGarfield Wed 29-Jan-14 17:55:47

Maybe that's it.

KatnipEvergreen Wed 29-Jan-14 17:56:23

It's not always a good idea to get loads of friends together - they don't always blend as a group and often you don't get to chat to people you really want to chat to. Perhaps she just wants to see you separately as she likes to have a good chat with you. I know I have separate groups of friends.

IshouldhavemarriedEwanMcGregor Wed 29-Jan-14 17:56:47

Oh dear God no don't bring it up with her whatever you do!

Just accept, nurture and enjoy other friendships, have superficial chit and chats with her and tell yourself FIRMLY that this is no big deal, not everyone in life will want to be your friend, nor will you understand what makes some people tick, and put it out of your mind.

meeroolla Wed 29-Jan-14 17:57:20

The fact that she is going from group to group suggests she's a bit of a social climber and will try to befriend anyone and everyone, as long as they suit her needs at the time or can provide something she wants!

I had someone that I classed as a very good friend. We hadn't known each other that long but we got on so well. All of a sudden she stopped bothering with me and didn't want to meet up, and had moved on to another group of friends. I was really upset. Until she ditched them too. And the next lot. And the next.

Basically she just sails through life with stages of 'temporary' friends and then moves on.

Not the way I would want to be, but some people seem to be like that.

Madmammy83 Wed 29-Jan-14 17:58:52

She might have just gone off your company, it happens, friends part ways. I'd drop her to be honest, be civil and friendly but she's obviously not interested in having a close relationship anymore so I wouldn't push it.

Notawordfromtheladybird Wed 29-Jan-14 18:00:31

Some people like to keep friends in compartments. She's known you for quite a while. If you introduced her to your friends, she would feel obligated to continuously invite you every time she wanted to see one of the people you introduced her to. Which, of course, is a different dynamic.

Her comment about don't invite so and so says to me she is meeting new people and dropping them when she can see they won't gell.

Also, I think she doesn't want to do couple things. I have a friend who would say our husbands get along. No, my husband tolerates him and I get irritated by him. I see less of her because she's always suggesting couple stuff.

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