To think DP is being unfair carrying DD up and down the stairs

(87 Posts)
Booboostoo Wed 29-Jan-14 17:09:40

I need some perspective on this, is DP being perfectly reasonable and making his own parental choices, or is he messing up my parenting of DD?

DD is 2.8yo, weighs 14kilos and is 95cm tall, so quite a big toddler. I have had trouble lifting her for a while so this autumn I introduced other alternatives. When we are out she can choose between walking and the buggy which works quite well but in the house she just has to make it up our flight of stairs by herself because I can no longer carry her (also pregnant at the moment so becoming less and less able to carry her anyway). She can choose to crawl up, or bum shuffle, or whatever, as long as she does it by herself.

The no carrying on the strairs rule was quite controvercial to introduce and was met by quite a few tears but I stuck to it and 90% of the time she was going up and down without fuss. Then DP intervened and said he would carry her. I did object but he said it was his choice and nothing to do with me. He said DD could learn to go up by herself with me and be carried by him.

A few weeks forward we now have a situation where DD goes ballistic at the mention of the stairs and screams until DP (who works from home) comes to carry her. DP is now due to go away for work (2 weeks, back a week and then away for a month, so quite a long time) and I fear I will have to re-train DD about the stairs and she seems to be more wound up about it that before.

I asked DP to re-teach her to go up and down by herself and he refused saying that it was he parenting choice. He said I chose to bf her so he had to find other ways to soothe her, and he chooses to carry her up/down the stairs and I have to find ways to cope with that.

I think he is being an arse.

RunnerHasbeen Thu 30-Jan-14 16:18:04

When I was heavily pregnant, my 20month old had to go up and down herself. She would always go happily (even if she was refusing at first) if I threw her blanket up 5/6 steps and just before she reached it threw it up some more. If she has a teddy or something you could maybe try and turn stairs into a game. Your DH might be happier to play like that than to battle/ discipline (especially as he doesn't see it as his fight)? Surely you can find a compromise or way that works for you both, you are married with children and it must be disrupting his work now.

Booboostoo Thu 30-Jan-14 16:18:16

LaymeDown it's a physical problem for me, I just can't do it and of course I discussed it with him in advance. He knew I was struggling for a while, he knew I told her no more and used rewards to get her up the stairs, he knew it took a while for her to learn and adjust, he knew it was going very, very well and one day he turned up and picked her up. He didn't discuss it with me, or give me an option.

As for the bf babying comments if anyone has any scientific evidence that bf causes psychological problems I would be very interested in the links (I am an academic so peer reviewed journals and academic books please, not made up articles in spurious magazines). She is doing perfectly well in other developmental areas, she goes to nursery with no problems, she is potty trained, she plays very well with other children (never argues, shares, etc.) and she is very helpful about the idea of the new baby talks about how she will change its diaper and teach it how to bf (of course I understand it won't be that easy in reality!).

softlysoftly Thu 30-Jan-14 16:20:36

Why does it have to be one or the other? DDs play chase with daddy, they love it. They hassle me for it. I Don't and never will play chase, that's a daddy thing.

Daddy lets DD1 (4) have her car seat in the front seat as a treat on daddy days.

She does not get the car seat in the front on mummy days.

On mummy days I listen to the fucking Glee Cd on repeat (argh). On daddy days she has more chance of him learning to fly.

They can understand that different parents have different rules, I think you need to just be no nonsense about it and it sounds like you are babying hea. "Giving her choices" is excellent parenting but it's stairs ffs, just says she gets off her arse and walks down or she stays where she is while you have breakfast and go out!

summertimeandthelivingiseasy Thu 30-Jan-14 16:24:46

He said I chose to bf her so he had to find other ways to soothe her, and he chooses to carry her up/down the stairs and I have to find ways to cope with that.

OP doesn't say she is STILL breasfeeding her.

puddock Thu 30-Jan-14 16:25:46

How would you like your DP to be when he's working from home and you're in charge of your child?

DP and I both work from home (not at the same time), and I'm just thinking what would happen if DS2 (who's 3 now) started yelling for him to come and carry him up the stairs - which DP can do and I can't.

Answer is, DP would ignore it, and I'd try hard to prevent DS2 from doing it in the first place. DP's working, he's trying to concentrate, I'm in charge of DS2 that day. I'd feel undermined if DP came down to interfere. Obviously he'd come down in a crisis, but I think it's made clear to our DSs that they can't yell for the other parent if they don't like what the one who's taking care of them that day has decided.

puddock Thu 30-Jan-14 16:28:47

And I was about to add that you should ignore/challenge the "weird/babying" remarks that a couple of PPs have made about BFing your daughter at 2.8, but I see you've got that covered :D

Booboostoo Thu 30-Jan-14 16:29:16

I am still breastfeeding her, although DP has had a problem with it almost from the beginning.

puddock I was managing fine before all this. We had gotten over the difficult bit (with all the ideas people are suggesting, i.e. rewards, throwing a toy up the stairs, playing race me up, or finally leaving her to follow), it is DP who has gotten himself into this situation where he hears her cry and runs out to carry her. He also doesn't do it consistently so I still have the tantrums but more distressed than before.

puddock Thu 30-Jan-14 16:36:35

That must be hard, not knowing from one time to the next whether you're in sole charge or whether he's going to swoop in.

I do remember a heated debate with DP about this (actually when DS1 was 2 and I was expecting DS2, hmmm!) and the outcome was that we agreed that the parent who was working needed to act like they were at work, mind their own business and not stick their oar in. This was as much about showing some trust and respect for the parent who was parenting as about the children's behaviour.

HoratiaDrelincourt Thu 30-Jan-14 17:08:02

It's also very confusing for children when a parent is working from home. Ideally the WAH parent is unavailable except in an emergency - as if they were WOH in fact - preferably behind a closed door in a room the children don't use, so they can "get" it.

But if daddy continually nips into the kitchen to get some coffee and another chocolate HobNob and pauses to say "wow I like your tower" then the child begins to think "hey, daddy's at home".

BratinghamPalace Thu 30-Jan-14 17:50:34

Your husband is being an arse BUT you both need to agree on BF. He should have an input into that and you need to let him. YABU re the stairs though and the child is old enough to know and accept that daddy carries and mummy does not. Simple. Jolly her along. Eg, what book are we reading today? You run along and pick it out. Etc. The act of walking up should not be the issue, what is at the top should be the reward. The book, tickles, bath and so on. Good luck with new baby!

Poloholo Thu 30-Jan-14 18:01:00

I hadn't appreciated you were still feeding her. This clearly isn't about the stairs, this is about him trying to retaliate for you doing something he doesn't like.

Booboostoo Mon 17-Feb-14 09:13:12

A little (super smug) update for anyone who is interested!

As soon as DP left, DD went up and down the stairs all by herself with no fuss and got her special stickers at the top/bottom. As soon as DP came back she asked to be carried by him, which is fine by me but I doubt will be fine by him for very much longer as she throws a mighty tantrum every single time and he gives in every single time. She calls him from work, gets him up from watching TV and even woke him up this morning and made him carry her (DP has a lie in every morning - no one has succeeded in geting him up so far in his life!).

All I can say is Mmmmmmmmwaaaahahahahahahahhaha!

With some ROFL added in for good measure.

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