Should I forgive my Dad

(30 Posts)
Summerwood1 Wed 29-Jan-14 10:30:18

I'm 41 now,my dad has always been different to others e.g if I drank all the milk when I was a kid i d get whacked hard. He also stops speaking to my mum for months on end over trivial things. My brother as a successful career as a head teacher,but years ago after so much hurt my brother decided he no longer wanted to be hurt by my dad any more and has not seen him for years and never wants to speak to him again. Around 7 years ago I found out my dad was having an affair, I found out where the lady lived and I confronted him,long story short,mum had him back but he stopped speaking to me for 7 years because I'd followed him to where this lady lived!! Any October last year he went in hospital for a knee op and asked my mum if she would ask Me and my brother to visit him,I'm very forgiving and I did but my brother refused. Any way all had been going well until last week when he kept sending me texts to help him get my brother to speak to him,he also wanted his address and phone number,I said I would speak to my brother and see what I could do,but my brother was adamant he wants nothing to do with him and he didn't want me to give him the address. Any way after many more texts of me trying to help dad he says don't bother contacting me again until you give me his address!!! Just wondered what other people think to this,should I forgive him again in time or just like my brother have nothing to do with him. I do kind of feel sorry for him because he can not see what he s doing wrong,he always makes us feel like we have done wrong. Sorry for long post but would be interested to get yours views on it!!!

FrysChocolateCream Wed 29-Jan-14 12:27:31

I think your brother sounds great. Please please don'tn give your father his contact details, that would be terrible, after your brother has managed to get away from him.

Have you had counselling to help you not feel guilty about such a horrible man, which is what your father sounds like?

Dawndonnaagain Wed 29-Jan-14 12:22:46

I have absolutely no idea why you would let this abusive idiot into your life.

LookingThroughTheFog Wed 29-Jan-14 12:17:52

Summerwood, it's not easy. It really isn't. It takes time and effort, and (if you're anything like me) you will be regularly plagued with doubt. It's called FOG - Fear Obligation Guilt. These are the things that will keep pulling you back to him.

Just to reiterate; you owe this man nothing. Absolutely nothing. None of this is your fault at all.

You don't owe him access to your children.

Thank you for not pestering your brother on this. Both my brothers put (fairly mild) pressure on me in the same situation. One of them remains angry that I didn't just concede. I am so sorry about the pressure he is putting on you, but just to be really clear; he is doing that because he is an unpleasant man. Not because of you; not because of your brother. He is bothering you because he wants control. He is refusing to allow your brother to make his own decisions about who he wants in his life.

Anyhow, just to say good luck with it. Stay strong.

Hoppinggreen Wed 29-Jan-14 12:10:45

My Dad was a twat and I finally got the courage to break off contact when I was pg - my reasoning was that he would only be interested in how he could use my baby to his advantage.
When he was dying ( genuinely this time, not just messing with me) I didn't go and see him and don't go to the funeral. No regrets whatsoever.

5Foot5 Wed 29-Jan-14 12:05:36

Any way after many more texts of me trying to help dad he says don't bother contacting me again until you give me his address

"I won't be contacting you again. Ever. Goodbye"

Easy. Why did you need to ask?

Hissy Wed 29-Jan-14 11:43:08

Take a leaf chapter out of your brother's book.

Don't have anything to do with your father.

Keep your kids well away from him too.

angelos02 Wed 29-Jan-14 11:38:28

I would keep your girls well away from him.

Your dad adds no value to your life whatsoever. Why do you think he would add value to your DC's lives? He was a poor excuse for a father so I doubt he will win grandpa of the year awards.

My dad was physically abusive when we were growing up but we did have a show down when I was in my early 20's where I said "no more, it stops or I go non contact". My dad stopped then and there and we did rebuild our friendship over time and he did step up and support me when I needed it. So, I am not anti-forgiveness but the person who has been abusive needs to be making changes and your dad is reverting to his old bullying tactics very quickly.

antshouse Wed 29-Jan-14 11:12:32

He is asking you to risk the relationship that you have with your brother by supplying his contact details. Withdraw contact until he stops this blackmail. Just be there for your mum.

Guiltypleasures001 Wed 29-Jan-14 11:07:26

Damn sorry

His trust and enabling your abuser

Nanny0gg Wed 29-Jan-14 11:07:06

No, your children deserve better.

Just keep seeing your mum.

Guiltypleasures001 Wed 29-Jan-14 11:06:53

Op you are at risk of being cut off by your brother for breaking is trust, by doing this you would be enabling

dawntigga Wed 29-Jan-14 11:01:19

Keep contact with your mother and ignore the wankbadger.

YouCanChooseYourFriendsTiggaxx

notundermyfoof Wed 29-Jan-14 11:00:40

Your dad is a bully and hes trying to manipulate you into betraying your brother's trust.

IAmNotAPrincessIAmAKahleesi Wed 29-Jan-14 11:00:10

No you shouldn't let your girls see him, you should do everything in your power to protect them from him. Do you want them going through this in years to come when he tries to manipulate them?

Summerwood1 Wed 29-Jan-14 10:53:38

Sorry last post had lots of spelling mistakes!!

Summerwood1 Wed 29-Jan-14 10:52:49

Thanks so much everyone,very thing you say is true. The tricky thing is that I have to girls,do I continue to let him see them? When he wasn't speaking to him before I would take them to the door to mum but not go in to the house. My parents only live 3 miles away,so mum comes up to house often and meet in town etc,so mum would still get to see them.

babacoon Wed 29-Jan-14 10:52:07

Summerwood,

My father is one of the worst people I have ever met in my life. I can swear by it. I lived in an emotionally and physically abusive household for 21 years of my life. I got married at 21 and soon after that my father did something very vile to my husband and his family. I had already moved to the UK at that time and told him that if he goes ahead I would not speak to him again. He said he did not care! I did not speak to him for 5 years. Since I lived in another country it was easier for me to do so.

I met him after many years a couple of years back and I realised that he has lost that power over me. He has got a life limiting illness now. He looked old and vulnerable. I forgave him. Because I realised that it is my turn to exercise the power and I should do it the right way.

I still do not call him etc. But if he does, I do talk to him. I have many mental and social issues because of what he has done to us all our lives.

He has not changed by the way but I would have felt small not forgiving an old and vulnerable man.

And I am ashamed to say that I am not a forgiving person.

I hope this makes some sense to you smile

vj32 Wed 29-Jan-14 10:51:53

Some people are crap parents (and crap human beings). Whatever you do you can't change that and if his behaviour was going to change, it would have done by now.

Tell him if that is how little he values your relationship then you won't be speaking to him again.

Is it possible/easy to still see your Mum and not your Dad?

Nanny0gg Wed 29-Jan-14 10:49:28

Just be there for your mum - she'll need you. He doesn't.

Pigeonhouse Wed 29-Jan-14 10:45:01

Note that it's your 'unforgiving' brother he's interested in, not easy-to-please, keeping-the-peace, daughterly you - that should tell you a lot about the value he places on the efforts you've made down the years.

JeanSeberg Wed 29-Jan-14 10:42:48

I know it's very sad when people/family don't act the way they should.

I would put your effort into making your mum's life more bearable, eg getting her to come and stay with you for a few days, take her on holiday with you etc etc.

fraiserno Wed 29-Jan-14 10:41:30

Phew Summerwood! so glad to see your response. I was just about to say what's already been said. Now go out and enjoy the life you have without him. Wish there was a hug smiley as I would send you dozens but you may not like hugs anyway. You tried you gave him another chance never doubt yourself.

Summerwood1 Wed 29-Jan-14 10:39:47

Thanks,I would never allow a friend to treat me like that but because he's my dad...

JeanSeberg Wed 29-Jan-14 10:39:47

I made my decision by line 2 when I read that he whacked you hard as a child.

You have definitely done the right thing.

Your poor mum.

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