Should I forgive my Dad

(30 Posts)
Summerwood1 Wed 29-Jan-14 10:30:18

I'm 41 now,my dad has always been different to others e.g if I drank all the milk when I was a kid i d get whacked hard. He also stops speaking to my mum for months on end over trivial things. My brother as a successful career as a head teacher,but years ago after so much hurt my brother decided he no longer wanted to be hurt by my dad any more and has not seen him for years and never wants to speak to him again. Around 7 years ago I found out my dad was having an affair, I found out where the lady lived and I confronted him,long story short,mum had him back but he stopped speaking to me for 7 years because I'd followed him to where this lady lived!! Any October last year he went in hospital for a knee op and asked my mum if she would ask Me and my brother to visit him,I'm very forgiving and I did but my brother refused. Any way all had been going well until last week when he kept sending me texts to help him get my brother to speak to him,he also wanted his address and phone number,I said I would speak to my brother and see what I could do,but my brother was adamant he wants nothing to do with him and he didn't want me to give him the address. Any way after many more texts of me trying to help dad he says don't bother contacting me again until you give me his address!!! Just wondered what other people think to this,should I forgive him again in time or just like my brother have nothing to do with him. I do kind of feel sorry for him because he can not see what he s doing wrong,he always makes us feel like we have done wrong. Sorry for long post but would be interested to get yours views on it!!!

5Foot5 Wed 29-Jan-14 12:05:36

Any way after many more texts of me trying to help dad he says don't bother contacting me again until you give me his address

"I won't be contacting you again. Ever. Goodbye"

Easy. Why did you need to ask?

Hoppinggreen Wed 29-Jan-14 12:10:45

My Dad was a twat and I finally got the courage to break off contact when I was pg - my reasoning was that he would only be interested in how he could use my baby to his advantage.
When he was dying ( genuinely this time, not just messing with me) I didn't go and see him and don't go to the funeral. No regrets whatsoever.

LookingThroughTheFog Wed 29-Jan-14 12:17:52

Summerwood, it's not easy. It really isn't. It takes time and effort, and (if you're anything like me) you will be regularly plagued with doubt. It's called FOG - Fear Obligation Guilt. These are the things that will keep pulling you back to him.

Just to reiterate; you owe this man nothing. Absolutely nothing. None of this is your fault at all.

You don't owe him access to your children.

Thank you for not pestering your brother on this. Both my brothers put (fairly mild) pressure on me in the same situation. One of them remains angry that I didn't just concede. I am so sorry about the pressure he is putting on you, but just to be really clear; he is doing that because he is an unpleasant man. Not because of you; not because of your brother. He is bothering you because he wants control. He is refusing to allow your brother to make his own decisions about who he wants in his life.

Anyhow, just to say good luck with it. Stay strong.

Dawndonnaagain Wed 29-Jan-14 12:22:46

I have absolutely no idea why you would let this abusive idiot into your life.

FrysChocolateCream Wed 29-Jan-14 12:27:31

I think your brother sounds great. Please please don'tn give your father his contact details, that would be terrible, after your brother has managed to get away from him.

Have you had counselling to help you not feel guilty about such a horrible man, which is what your father sounds like?

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