to stop these playdates?

[womblesofwestminster]

I have a local friend/acquaintance (we'll call her Helen) who has a DD the same age as mine (3). She invites my kids and myself over to hers every Tuesday for an hour or so. A few months back we had a brief falling out because her daughter was constantly snatching toys off my daughter and Helen would do nothing to address this. Every week my daughter would be in tears and not understand why the other girl wasn't being told off for being 'naughty'. A few weeks later, Helen assured me that her DD had improved her behaviour and asked if I would resume the Tuesday 'playdates'. I gave her the benefit of the doubt and agreed.

A few weeks passed with the kids playing nicely. Then today, the following happened:

When I arrived with my kids at the usual time, Helen's DD was playing with her friend (also 3) in the bedroom. My kids went upstairs to join them. The two girls let my DD into the bedroom but would not let my DS (2) because "no boys allowed". This is normal preschooler behaviour, of course.

DS started to cry. Helen said that DS could stay downstairs with us. So I took him downstairs. Lunch was served (chicken nuggets and chips). DS was given his to eat on a plate on the floor in the livingroom. Helen took the other 3 girls' lunch up to the bedroom. DS sat and ate his dinner, whilst asking where his sister was (they are very close being close in age). I admit, I felt so sad for him.

At this point, DS found a toy truck (the only toy of interest in a sea of pink tat - sorry, but we're talking Disney princess overload in that house). He becomes very engrossed in running the truck around the floor. Then we hear a scream from upstairs. I run upstairs to see. My DD is locked out of the bedroom and the other 2 girls won't let her in. Helen makes a half-hearted attempt at reasoning with the girls but her daughter slams the door on her face (!) My DD is very upset at this point and throws up. I clear up the vomit and bring DD downstairs to join DS, followed by Helen.

The 2 girls come down a few minutes afterwards. Helen's DD spies my DS playing with the truck and pushes him in the face and snatches it off him. He starts crying and trying to get the truck back. Helen makes a half hearted "DS was playing with that. It's a boys toy." Her DD continues to push him in the face as he tries to get it back.

I decide it is time to call game over on this visit and start putting DS' coat on as by this point, he is on the floor flaying around. Helen sits and watches and looks sheepish. As I bundle a flaying DS into his buggy, and then get DD's coat on, Helen says "I hope this won't stop you coming back next week. We'll see you next Tuesday yeah?" I nodded and quickly left.

AIBU to stop the playdates? No one is getting anything out of these visits. I refuse to let my kids be bullied, but I am not prepared to discipline someone else's kid.

[formerbabe]

What

[formerbabe]

Sorry, posted too quickly.

What if you met on neutral ground? Would her dd behave better? Sometimes kids get territorial.

[Only1scoop]

Find something else to do....sounds like its become to much of play date routine. Much scrutinising going on also.

[womblesofwestminster]

formerbabe I guess that would work. I only attended these playdates tbh because they were local (she literally lives across the street). Aside from having DD's the same age, Helen and I have nothing in common.

[ooerrmissus]

YWNBU to stop them. They sound like hell, so what's the point? Just tell your friend that your children obviously don't enjoy playing together so in future you will see her without kids (assuming you want to keep seeing her!)

[formerbabe]

Oh don't bother then if the mum isn't your sort of person? Doesn't sound like there are any benefits of continuing this?

[shoofly]

Am I missing something here? Why on earth would you continue with this arrangement. It's miserable for your kids and for you. I think I'd have other things to do next time.

[formerbabe]

Sorry, that sounded sarcastic...didn't mean it to!

[coffeeandcream]

I wouldn't waste your time or energy on them again to be honest.
Why should you when no one enjoys it? There are plenty of toddler groups around to make some new friends.

Your poor kids

[MeepMeepVrooooom]

What about changing the environment see how that goes?

TBH this would piss me off, I can't stand people not telling their kids off for really bad behaviour. If you can't find a solution then I don't think it would be unreasonable to stop the play dates.

[RestingActress]

Doesn't sound like it is much fun. What is Helen's DD like in your home? Would you be able to exert a bit more influence as in "In our house we are kind and don't push / leave people out" etc etc

[hollyhunter]

tbh it doesnt sound like ANYONE is enjoying them

[womblesofwestminster]

Only1scoop I agree that it's became a routine, and thus hard to break out of. I'm not stuck for things to do. I have only been attending these playdates because they are convenient and when the kids aren't fighting, they have a good time.

My issue is not with kids fighting (that's normal). My issue is instead with Helen's major PFB (only child and last child) syndrome where she will never discipline her DD.

[bodygoingsouth]

Jesus every week would drive me nuts and clearly the kids are getting on each other's nerves.

meet on neutral ground and make it every 2/3 weeks.

[invicta]

Why don't you invite them to yours - your house, your rules!

[womblesofwestminster]

Am I missing something here? Why on earth would you continue with this arrangement. It's miserable for your kids and for you.

Well, as I said, after the previous falling-out over this issue, Helen assured me that her DD was better behaved - and indeed she was for a few weeks. Now it looks like she's back to square 1.

[iammrsnesbitt]

I'd stop doing them if I were you. Doesn't sound like you even like her or her DD anyway so why bother.

[JollyGolightly]

You have nothing in common with the mum and the kids dislike each other. I'd definitely bring the arrangement to an end

[womblesofwestminster]

AIBU that when your 3yr old screams at you and slams the door on your face (in front of guests no less!), then you should do something about it. Not stand there with a gormless expression. I know I'm being harsh, but if Helen won't discipline her child - who will??

[pussycatdoll]

what are they like round yours?

tbh eating chicken nuggets and chips in the bedroom is not something I'd allow

[womblesofwestminster]

I'd stop doing them if I were you. Doesn't sound like you even like her or her DD anyway so why bother.

tbh, this aspect of them I do not like.

[Bowlersarm]

Do you ever invite them to yours?

it might go a lot better if they were visiting you - for a start the other girl won't be there to complicate things. And you can be on much better grounds to dictate behaviour if you are in your own home.

[womblesofwestminster]

tbh eating chicken nuggets and chips in the bedroom is not something I'd allow

lol I only mentioned that it was chicken nuggets & chips so you could see that it wasn't 'spillable', and so able to eat from a plate on the floor. Nowt wrong with the occasional CNs and chips.

[Only1scoop]

You pointed out What Helen served the dc for lunch?
It just doesn't sound like you or dc are having a great time.
I can't stand routines of playdates....now and then is ok.

[womblesofwestminster]

for a start the other girl won't be there to complicate things.

She will. Helen does a childminding 'share' with the other girl's mum. Other children are sometimes there too. That's why I never invite them to mine - my home isn't big enough.