To go against what dh has said?

[Edenviolet]

Last week dd1 asked for a couple of bits (a phone case and couple of other small things) which I ordered and should be delivered today. She has been really looking forward to getting them.

However, after school she went to her friends house and when we collected her she said she had loads of homework to do, dh was cross and said if she had that much she should have done it rather than go to see her friend.
Then he asked when she had got the homework, turns out it was last week and she lied to us at the weekend saying she had done it all.

Dd was then up quite late doing her homework, went to bed but was up an hour later with a temperature and earache and sore throat. Se barely slept and is off school today.

Dh said that under no circumstances is dd to have the bits I ordered for her, he said he doesn't care that she's ill and it would cheer her up as he thinks she needs to learn a lesson about doing her homework and not lying to us.

I feel so sorry for her, she's really not well at all and keeps asking can she have the bits when they arrive

What should I do? Give them to her and go against dh or respect the decision he has made?

[WhoNickedMyName]

I'm with your DH on this one.

[Fairylea]

How old is she?

To be honest I think he's being mean. If she's done the homework in time and there is therefore no issue what does it matter if she did it at the weekend or not? She shouldn't have lied but to be honest he sounds a bit draconian. I would have probably lied too.

I'd give her the bits. But then I've been told before I'm a soft touch.....

[ArsePaste]

Likewise.

[FitzgeraldProtagonist]

Respect his decision, because he is right. She did lie, she did go to her friend's. Life lesson and all that. The bits won't make her well.

[AngelaDaviesHair]

I think the lying is not trivial, actually, so some kind of sanction is merited. Plus, if your DH has told her she has to wait for her things, you will completely undermine him by giving them to her regardless.

So, my advice is don't give them to her, speak to your DH later if you disagree with the punishment (and about not imposing punishments unilaterally-DH and I always try to consult each other before imposing a sanction).

[Kaliani]

I would respect the decision he has made. I wouldn't give my DD a treat, ill or not, if I had found out she had lied to me.

I agree with your DH that it would teach her a lesson. She can have the things when she has proven she can be responsible

[Edenviolet]

I can see his point.

I'm just torn because dd is lying in bed looking so unwell and keeps asking. Dh told me how annoyed he will be if I give in, he has told dd she must wait till the end of the week and then maybe she will tell the truth and do her homework on time in future.

[CoffeeTea103]

It seems your DH is the one with the sensible approach here. She lied, why would you reward that behaviour?
Yab very U

[curlew]

How old is she?

How late was she up doing the homework?

[Dahlen]

I'm with your DH. The fact is not the homework itself, which she has done, it is the lying. You absolutely must address that and not let it go unremarked. If you can offer an alternative consequence your DH might let you give your DD the items you've ordered, but there has to be another meaningful consequence.

[QueenofallIsee]

even if I disagreed with DH, I would not undermine him to your DD. Sorry, but if you give them to her when he has expressly applied it as a sanction then YABU

[Edenviolet]

Dd is 12. The homework was due today so it wasn't late.

I think it was because we had asked her to do it at the weekend as often after school she is too tired to do it and she had lied.

[JassyRadlett]

First, your DH is right. She lied to you and then prioritised friend's house over homework and, ultimately, her well-being.

Second, even if your DH is wrong that's something you need to tackle with him and agree an approach, rather than undermining him.

[TheProsAndConsOfHitchhiking]

I think I agree with your DH on this.

[Edenviolet]

She was doing her homework till about 930 pm.

[curlew]

Why didn't dh tell his dd that she couldn't have the phone case?

[AnyFucker]

Yes and no

I agree there should be sanctions for the lying, but the phone case etc is unrelated to that and had already been promised to her

I would punish by grounding for a couple of weeks and then insist that nothing else nice happens until all homework is done

[MyNameIsKenAdams]

You need to have a united front. Go with him on this (fwiw I agree with him), and then discuss ways to ensure she doesnt lie to you about HW again.

Do you not check her HW diary and see that x,y,z is done? At 12, you still need to take a little responsibility.

[helenthemadex]

another one who agrees with your DH she has lied thats not on

[RandyRudolf]

12 is old enough to know better.

Your DH is right.

[QueenofKelsingra]

I'm with your DH, especially as he has already told her she cant have them, it totally undermines his authority. imagine how you would feel if you had made a decision and DH came in and did the opposite regardless?

Plus small lies lead to bigger lies. she needs to learn to do her homework when it is set and that lying is an absolute no-go.

it's not like he's said she can never have them, she only has to wait a few days, it wont kill her.

[poopadoop]

No way give her the bits, it would undermine your dh and more importantly seem to sanction the lying. So what if she keeps asking? It might be as well that she feels the loss a bit more keenly. Just tell her she has to wait a week. And try to get her to do her homework during the week even if she's tired, or look into why she's tired and help her have more energy.
I should add - I'm often amazed at how often posters on mn advocate lying and I feel pretty strongly about it.

[QueenofKelsingra]

AnyF whether the punishment is the right one or not is a discussion for OP and DH to have ready for next time. DH has already said she cant have them so OP needs to respect that.

[MyNameIsWinkly]

Do you have form for backing down from consequences/going against what your DH said? Because ill or not, it would really annoy me that she keeps asking having already been told no.

How would you feel if you imposed (reasonable) sanctions and your DH went behind your back?

[Edenviolet]

Dh did tell her, but reiterated it to me this morning so that I didn't give in.

I think as he's been so strict about it I can't give in as then dd might think she can play us off against each other.

I think the combination of going to a friends house then staying up late was too much for her hence why she's not feeling well today. That is why dh tries to get her to do all her homework at weekends so she can go to bed early weekdays.