Am I or is DH? Keeping our ELCS date a secret.

(380 Posts)
Writerwannabe83 Mon 27-Jan-14 08:36:06

I'm having an ELCS in a few months and me and DH know the date it is booked for. I have always said from the start that I'd like to keep the date a secret so that it is something just he and I share and that in the days leading up to it we aren't going to get stress/questions/attention from family members and friends about it. I'm nervous enough about the procedure without having other people turning it into a big deal and projecting their issues and thoughts on tome.

I said to my DH I want it to be that the first anyone knows about baby being born is when we ring them afterwards to tell them - I just want the experience of 'breaking the news', that enjoyment of telling people he's been born and hearing their reactions and feeling like there is some magic to it all. I don't want it to be that everyone knows he's coming on a particular date and so are pretty nonchalant about it when we make the call. I want his arrival to have some sense of excitement and unpredictability. DH was fine about it and when people have asked us when the CS is booked for we have given them a fake date smile

However, it came up in conversation yesterday again and it seems my DH misunderstood me and is under the impression that although we are giving out this fake date, on the actual morning of the CS we will ring his parents and tell them we are on our way to hospital to have it done. He told me his parents will be really, really upset if the birth is something we keep from them as it's nothing they have been part of before. He said his parents will want to be there with us. I explained that with an ELCS we will be on a ward, followed by theatre and followed by recovery - all areas where his parents can't be anyway!! I also explained that visiting hours aren't till 6pm at night so they couldn't see the baby until then anyway so why do they need to know first thing in the morning? Why can't we just tell them afterwards and excitedly break our news? He said they would probably want to book the day off work and just be at the hospital all day just to 'be there' when it's happening. WTH? Would anyone really do this?? Sit in a hospital canteen for 11 hours minimum with no guarantee they could even see the baby?? (I.e if I go to theatre late and don't come back from recovery until visiting hours have passed anyway).

Anyway, the conversation got a bit heated - but he is adamant they will be so, so upset if we 'keep it from them' I think he used the term 'lie to the ' until after the baby is born. I just think he's over reacting and turning this into some kind of drama that it doesn't have to be. It's not like I'm giving birth to Jesus Christ and it's going to be an amazing moment in history that can't be missed.... grin

Me and DH are fine, we haven't fell out over it or anything but the issue has been left unresolved. He wants to tell his parents and I don't. I think he's going way OTT and he probably thinks I'm being unfair.

MoominIsGoingToBeAMumWaitWHAT Mon 27-Jan-14 09:04:11

Would you be willing to compromise? They can be told of the date, but they are warned that there's no point in them going to the hospital, as they won't be allowed to see the baby or you until that evening?

I'd say stick to your guns, but was just wondering if compromise is an option for you.

Writerwannabe83 Mon 27-Jan-14 09:06:01

LL31 - making up a fake date was just easier than getting hassled every time I saw someone with questions of "When is it going to be? When is it going to be?" I explained it was going to be kept a secret so was then constantly hassled with the "But why can't you just tell us?!" questions, over and over again etc, it was becoming unbearable and very annoying.

Onsera3 Mon 27-Jan-14 09:07:42

YANBU. I had natural birth and told DH before that his parents weren't to be informed when I went into labour as I didn't want them turning up at the hospital during or before I was ready to see them.

It was their first grandchild too and I'm sorry but the fact that it's something they've never experienced before is tough. It's not about them. It's about you, baby and hubby or whoever else you've chosen to have there. Enjoy a few magic moments together before sharing it with everyone else.

I think your DH's view isn't all that uncommon (I've heard of a DH keeping his parents informed of labour progress and them turning up at the hosp uninvited). But he needs to start making the transition to putting his family first- and that means the three of you, not your in laws. Sometimes they struggle with this.

Perhaps it might also be good to discuss what visiting arrangements will be in those early weeks to check you have same expectations. Found out the hard way thatDH and MIL thought it was reasonable for her to pick DS up when he was sound asleep and she would sulk if a visit didn't involve her holding him and him being wakeful. I was too tired initially to deal with it.

Good luck!

Jeggie Mon 27-Jan-14 09:07:59

I also didn't think I'd want any visitors and made this known.... But actually I was so flippin proud and in love I changed my mind on the day!

Ps you may not look shit, I had my eyelashes dyed a few days before and I had my last good nights sleep for 2 years! I look great in the photos. grin got a bit puffy at one point but generally great.

MeepMeepVrooooom Mon 27-Jan-14 09:08:39

Why make up a fake date instead of telling people you want to keep it private?

scarletforya Mon 27-Jan-14 09:09:14

Yanbu.

He is being a bit clueless. You'll have just had a major operation. I think you'll have to put your foot down.

Writerwannabe83 Mon 27-Jan-14 09:09:50

jeggie - you've hit the nail on the head. I just want it to be intimate and the 3 of us. Why does everyone else have to be involved??

pigsmummy - I don't think his parents would want to sit there all day at all, I've no idea why DH thinks they would grin

moon - I'm thinking your suggestion is probably the most logical. Why can't these things just be simple? smile

OhCaptainDarling Mon 27-Jan-14 09:10:02

I had a ELCS 10 days again, my family knew the date. However my sodding father told my Granny who at 90yr young was total over excited and told my cousin, who told FB etc etc....you can see where this is going. I was able to hit the quickly on the head and remove the post.

We told a few people, like my aunt who was looking after DD. One of my neighbours in case my aunt had any problems etc and DD's nursery.

Keep it too yourself, also it may change. I was first on the list, but got bumped at 8:30 too after lunch. My MIL was total freaking out that she hadn't heard from us. People worry, best to leave it as a lovely surprise.

Just my penny's worth

isisisis Mon 27-Jan-14 09:10:18

When I was pregnant & asked my due date a very savvy friend asked if it was my 'real' date. She'd always added 2 weeks on to avoid all the annoying 'anything happening yet' messages. When I went into labour we told no one. My mum guessed as I didn't reply to messages but kept it to herself. I ended up with an EMCS & told people after it was all done. I didn't have any visitors in hospital (was only in for 36hrs), & we had a few days at home before they all came (live far away, sister had to get time off work). It worked for us. If I have another it's likely to be ELCS & I would do what your doing.

diddl Mon 27-Jan-14 09:11:14

Putting the baby aside for a moment.

OP is having an operation.

How many ILs turn up to wait whilst an op is performed & visit immediately afterwards?

I think that all parents should only visit when OP wants tbh.

Hope you can pursuade your DH that as you don't absolutely know what will happen (baby could be early as a PP has said happened with her)
and as you don't want a lot of people fussing, you want to tell people after baby has arrived - I can completely see why and that that's more exciting for everyone. Can you not tell both sets of DGPs to be that they'll be the first to know ?
I don't see that any lying or keeping things from people is involved really. But you just want to be a little more private about things - and I can quite see why you wouldn't want your PILs hanging around the hospital all day when they can't be with you at all anyway. That would be madness. (You will be doing the hospital staff a favour keeping them away!)
And if they'll likely be visiting after 6pm in the evening would they need to take time off work anyway?

littlemrssleepy Mon 27-Jan-14 09:12:32

I understand what you mean. My dsil had her second by elcs. She knew the date, the sex of the baby and had named him. It certainly wasn't as exciting for us, but then it wasn't about us! Both mine were natural so not much choice with regards the date, but it was nice that the second could still generate the unknown excitement.

isisisis Mon 27-Jan-14 09:13:52

Do you think your husband wants them there as moral support/ back up for him & that's why he won't tell them not to come?

IneedAsockamnesty Mon 27-Jan-14 09:14:04

Oh I've just recalled when I was having my youngest (planned induction) I made the school girl error of telling grandparents what date I was going in to hospital.

I ended up getting my friend who was with me to stash my phone for me (couldn't tun it off as I have disabled children and a fairly new carer looking after them) because not one hour went with out a " any news yet test". And several times staff coming in saying my mother had called.

Turned out it was not even my mother.

WooWooOwl Mon 27-Jan-14 09:14:12

I think you need to make a compromise here.

You wanting to 'break the news' is lovely and totally understandable, but I don't think it's fair for you to dictate how your DH tells his own parents. It's his baby too, and although you are without a donut the most important person here by far, it's still a very important and special occasion for your DH and his parents as well.

Why would you want to take something away from them and even risk your in laws feeling a but upset when it really isn't going to make any difference to you whatsoever?

If you rang them on the morning when you are on the way into hospital you would avoid all the anticipation from other people and it would be too late for them to take the day off work anyway. Can't you just let your DH deal with his own parents his own way and get him to insist that they don't come to the hospital until they are invited?

Mishmashfamily Mon 27-Jan-14 09:14:25

op this is exactly what happened when I was having dd!

Mil told me one day near the arrival date not to forget to ring her when I'm in labour as she was present at all the rest! shock dp thought this was perfectly normal !

It put me under so much stress because I just wanted dp there for us to spend quality time with those first specail moments . I went to go see SIL and she told me about her ELCS. She said it was a nightmare, she was just coming round and mil was knocking at the door to come in. SIL wanted to BF immidiatly but couldn't as every one was passing them around. She felt like shit and didn't want to tell every one to fuck off.

I worked up the courage to tell mil she wouldn't be in the room, she told dp privately she wasn't happy about it,that she would sit in the waiting room. After being told there was no waiting room, she exploded and said 'sit in the fucking car all night need be'

She totally spoiled my last month and I was so stressed out because this was my birth , not hers OR my dps.

I spoke to dp,told him ultimately this was my birth, if he was going to tell his DM , I wouldn't even tell him I was going in labour because it wasn't going to turn in to a circus. He realised how strongly I felt about it and told his DM.

The day before I was due she flew out of the country on a last min holiday, in secret, because she couldn't bare to be pushed out . So when I did have dd, when dp rang her to to tell her the news, she had a nice little surprise to tell him!

YOU are the one that is birthing this baby, it's a major operation. I ended up having a ESC and you are pretty messed up after it. Your dh has to go with what you want.

If you don't want people there....don't have them. If you think they will drive over any way, don't tell them.

Also my mil had promised my 11 year old dn that if he behaved him self in school, she would bring him with her! shock

OhCaptainDarling Mon 27-Jan-14 09:14:43

Not too freaking you out but I react badly to epidurals, I spent several hours after DS was born throwing my guts up. The last person I would want to see would be my MIL.

You will of just had a major op and a baby!

They can just bloody wait 24hrs, good lord!

Good luck

WidowWadman Mon 27-Jan-14 09:14:57

Had an ELCS with no 2 and knew the date from about 20 weeks onwards. Never occurred to me to keep it secret, in a way it made planning much easier (annual leave, when to start mat leave, childcare for no 1), and I don't think it took the magic away from anyone.

The joy and excitement will be there either way. Also, with a planned date I found there was much less hassle of "have you had it yet" etc.

I'm going against the majority here, but think the secrecy thing is pretty OTT.

Ra88 Mon 27-Jan-14 09:20:16

I personally don't understand all the secrecy either .

It more than likely isn't , but it seems abit like attention seeking at its best

Writerwannabe83 Mon 27-Jan-14 09:20:59

So many replies - can't keep up smile

With regards to him needing his parents there for moral support - I wouldn't have thought so, though don't know for definite. I've had a very problematic pregnancy and DH has been extremely laid back about the whole thing, he isn't anxious or fretting. He has said though that he would hate to see me all cut open so will definitely not be looking over the sheets when they pull the baby out. I will ask him though if he is more nervous about it all than he's making out that he is. At the same time though he doesn't seem to think the operation is that big a deal, he seems to think that once the baby is out I'll be back to my perky self, up and about etc so won't understand why I might not feel up to visitors. I'm definitely worried about the whole breast feeding issue too - I don't want any visitors standing there gawping at me whilst I'm learning to do it. The last thing I'd want is an audience if I was struggling.

I think I need to have a sit down discussion -- with the TV turned off any everything-- and have a really good talk about all these issues. I worry that he is putting what his parents would like above what I would like.

firesidechat Mon 27-Jan-14 09:21:19

As someone who became a grandparent for the first time this week, I can tell you that no one will be nonchalant even if they know the date.

We knew when she went in to labour and it was all incredibly exciting, nerve wracking and special. The phone call we got when the baby was born and everyone was safe and well was beyond price. Neither sets of grandparents went to visit until they had been asked to though.

We did have a bit of a debate about whether we wanted to know about her going into labour because I was concerned that we would have hours and hours of worry, but it was what our daughter wanted to do. In the end we had two days of worry which was nice hmm. If the parents had decided to tell us after the event I wouldn't have even thought about being upset or offended because it would be their baby, their decision.

I had inductions with both of my children and it never occurred to me not to let family and friends know.

The only thing you mention that puts me totally on your side is the fact that his parents will turn up at the hospital and wait for the birth. That is indeed bonkers and I would do exactly what you intend.

So YANBU.

CSIJanner Mon 27-Jan-14 09:21:39

YANBU

I kept my ELCS a secret from everyone as well. The day before, I spent with my eldest and parents, a friend dropped eldest to nursery the next day and as I was the firs that day, I had DC2 around 1030 and the. Rang my parents whilst DH rang his. Surprises all round and less stress than the first time when people kept calling (I told DM I got a last minute cancellation slot!) Would the last excuse work for you?

Mishmashfamily Mon 27-Jan-14 09:21:50

Perhaps it might also be good to discuss what visiting arrangements will be in those early weeks to check you have same expectations. Found out the hard way thatDH and MIL thought it was reasonable for her to pick DS up when he was sound asleep and she would sulk if a visit didn't involve her holding him and him being wakeful. I was too tired initially to deal with it

This with bells on!!!!!!!!!!

Mil had a raging cold and was sniffing up standing over dd crib, I told her not to pick her up as she was fast asleep, left the room. When I returned 2 mins later dd was wide awake and mil was holding her coughing to the side if that's going to make a difference. I was fuming .

As you can tell I clearly have a mil problem ......angry

I don't get the issue for the IL's of 'they've not experienced it before' they have, they had their own kid/kids and experienced going into labour etc.

Now it's the OP's turn and as she's the one actually giving birth and having the CS, if she doesn't want the IL's to know then I think that should be her choice. People don't know when you're going to go into labour, so they don't NEED to know anything in advance.

What is best for the baby is to bond with its parents and establish BF if thats the plan after making the strange ttransition from womb to world, not being bombarded with grandparents and passed from pillar to post!!

YANBU!!!

IneedAsockamnesty Mon 27-Jan-14 09:22:25

So knowing that people are going to just turn up at the hospital and wait as long as it takes without you asking them or indicating its ok would not be enough to stop you telling?

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