To not want friends to come to mine for a reunion?(534 Posts)
This is more of a WWYD than a AIBU, but here goes:
There's 6 of them coming over with kids and a few husbands too. They're my friends from uni and I've kept in touch with all of them over the years, some more than others. There have been times times when we've fallen out of touch for a few months or a year. They're not my closest friends; I hung around with another bunch but these were my classmates so I was on good terms wih them. I like them but to be honest, I don't love them.
There are a few who I have also fallen out with over the years and made up with again. One in particular, I'm not very fond of. But one night on whatsapp, we all started talking about meeting up and I went along with it. They decided on my house, so I agreed at the time because I didn't know how to refuse. I rearranged the date because they wanted to come that very weekend and it wasn't convenient for me and neither was the next weekend so they finally settled on this week. I was trying to put it off as long as I could.
Now, there's a few reasons I'm not looking forward to it. Firstly, they expect me to cook them a fantastic multi course meal. There are at least 7 kids coming too. The friend who I'm not particularly fond of has a tendency to expect things. She wants it to be a great weekend and is just expecting me to pull out all the stops. Not only that, she is very, very nosey and opens cupboards and drawers and sticks her head round every door. She's always commented on how my house is and although she tends to be complimentary in her choice of words, I feel it's all a fake. At the moment, my house is in a bit of a state: kitchen unit doors falling off, scribbled walls, no sofa in living room, carpets need changing etc. I can just imagine the comments.
Not only that, but she is loud, brash and generally very excitable. I don't particularly like being around her.
My weekends are very precious to me. I work throughout the week because with children, I spend the weekend recuperating as well as getting things done for the week. Having said that, I do entertain a lot of guests. But most, if not all of these, I enjoy having them over. They don't expect anything, they don't poke their noses in places and nor are they demanding in other ways.
I've been cleaning all week in preparation for them but there is still much to do. I don't mind the cleaning- I was due a spring clean anyway, but I'm feeling a bit of resentment towards them. I can't make an excuse and cancel without them seeing right through it. Although I don't particularly love them, I don't want to lose all the friendships either by cancelling on them. I can't deal with the negativity that would bring.
One thing I do know though is that if we were meeting at any of their homes, they wouldn't be very keen on it. Everyone's a little selfish, including me I guess, and it's just a free weekend away for some.
I'm not normally such a miser. If it was my closest group of friends from university, I'd love to have them over. They're kind, gracious, loving and non judgmental and I love them all.
So what do I do? Shall I just grin and bear it because it's just a weekend or do I have any way out of it without spoiling my relationship with them?
I think I would have embarrassed her - I think she could take it. I mean, going into someone's kitchen to take leftovers after they've made you a lovely meal is just not normal.
winkywinkola I think they would like to be closer actually. The thing is, after college, I kept in touch with my own group of friends and they are the ones that come to mind when I think of my 'real friends'. These ladies were my classmates so we studied together and had the same lessons so I didn't actually choose them as my friends- they were there. I did have things in common with them and although I didn't really love them to bits I did like them a one point in my life. Since we moved on from college I hardly ever rang them. I have a
phobia dislike for the phone anyway. It gives me a headache and makes my ears hot and I hate not hearing the voice clearly at the other end, so I tend to avoid talking on the phone as much as possible but that's another story. I always received calls from them but hardly ever initiated the contact myself. Except with one of them who I would call regularly. We had a huge reunion at the college itself about four years ago and at that time I spent the day with my 'real friends'. Although I spoke to these ladies and they were all sitting together with each other, I just stopped by them for a few hugs and a brief chat.
DuskAndShiver you're very right there. It's interesting how many of you all seem to pick on aspects of their behaviour and are able to analyse the dynamic just from what I write. I do think that some of them are not really as rude and audacious all the time but the demeanour of a few set the tone for the rest of them and then they all jumped on the bandwagon. One friend did text me in the lead up saying they honestly are acting very entitled and need to step back and consider how they would sound to an outsider. They got carried away I think and didn't realise what they sounded like. All except the Rude One. Tbh, she's always been like that. I had to share a room with her for two years and she would upset people regularly.
Funkybold when I stepped in to the kitchen whilst she was helping herself to leftovers I was a little stunned. I couldn't think of what to say and how to say it without being too rude. I would have really embarrassed her if I'd said 'Ahem, I don't think so..' and taken it out of her hand. I couldn't think of what to say or do so I just stood there and gawped a bit then told them to worry about that afterwards and shooed them all out of the kitchen as we were going out to visit one of our old teachers who lives 10 minutes from me. I did whisper to my 10 yr old DS as we were heading out to nip in the kitchen and hide all the best things whilst we were gone but to leave what they'd already packed.
KatoPotato I really can't hear you....? You'll have to say it louder?? Oh look, what a lovely bunch of flowers you've handed me...
See, I've learnt. ;)
Was she drink when she divided up the flowers? That is just bizarre.
Do you think the rest of the group would really like to be closer friends or they imagine they are closer than they really are?
I would personally slowly and permanently fade from view.
Well, you got through it diet well done!
Thank you for keeping us informed, it's been a pleasure. Now, when is the MN weekender happening? - I do not want your DH there by the way!
< not for sharing!
Gosh TheDiet you did really well!
Sounds to me like a group with a horrible dynamic set by a couple of people. They probably think they are "sassy" or something. The others would probably never have jumped on this "all back to TheDiet's" thing in such a rude way initially, if there wasn't this weird dynamic.
Well done, you have been utterly gracious and need never cast your pearls before such swine again.
I particularly admire your being able to enjoy, and recognise your enjoyment of, the outrageousness:
"I think I have developed a type of morbid fascination with the rudeness of it all."
I know exactly what you mean!
the dividing up the flowers thing is unbelievably rude.
Perhaps they all thought you were actually hosting " come dine with me" where they have a tour of the house and go through your cupboards and drawers making fun of you, they don't compliment any of the food or house, they get all that entertainment for free, they make nasty remarks .Perhaps they secretly marked you out of ten on the way home).
You were gracious, some of them were twats, and you can now step back from this group with dignity. And you've learned some useful lessons. Overall, it's a pretty good result.
at the pantomime villain bit, I know exactly what you mean! I know someone like that, its like putting silver foil on your fillings, awful, but you keep doing it...
Flowers thing very odd. Thanks for the update. - just for you, not for sharing.
Why on earth would you stand there and let her steal your food?
Diet - you really need some backbone love!
Christ, I've just re-read my last post;second line and it reads very pa, not intended at all.
You do post as a nice person yet you enjoyed the faff that these mates brought upon you and posted.
Don't be available the next time but then complain about it when it doesn't suit.
SanDiego you know, come to think of it, I think I have developed a type of morbid fascination with the rudeness of it all. She said and did a lot of things I wouldn't dream of and that she can be so audaciously ungracious does appall me yet enthral me a little too. It's like watching a villain in a pantomime- you hold out for a few more villainy bits just so you can boo.
Thumbwitch I know I could have taken her around the house, but I felt that I shouldn't if I didn't really want to and at the time, I didn't. But it did mean the painting got done and DH and the DC all got stuck in with tidying the house up absolutely thoroughly which would have taken a lot of bribing otherwise so that's the bonus there. I also think you're right about my feelings afterwards.
ssd Now you say it... .
Well I'm glad it went better than feared, but I think you have learnt your lesson and that your feelings of satisfaction came from a "job well done" rather than a "that was great, let's do it again" place.
Can't believe the cheek of the RUde one, but since you'd made the effort to repaint everything, you should probably have just taken Gobby on a quick tour of the house! Shame for all your efforts to have been in vain (although of course I know not really, everything being painted is a good thing for your family too)
Nice comeback to the Rude one as well - if she does drop by some time, you'll have to have a stock of excuses at the ready.
And keep a coat and bag by the door so that you can slip them on at a moment's notice and then say "I was just going out, so sorry"
but at least shes married to an arsehole
I am speechless, rude friend definitely has certainly earned her title, good on you for that remark, she deserved it! Meet up in a natural location next time with those who you want to, so that nobody feels they have to hits anybody. Yeh right rude friend will see it then we wll believe it! I can't believe she helped herself in your house to your things without asking. That would be the last time I would have her round. I would just meet up with the few you get on with the best
Sounds like it was exhausting, you're a better hostess than me, for sure.
You sound lovely, do you think you enjoy tne drama of it all?
Not a criticism, just asking after your last comment at 18.39 pm.
I just remembered another thing she said as she was going out. It was actually closer to 7pm (not 9pm) and as she was going out I casually asked if her DH would have missed her and the kids for the day. She laughed and said it was more likely he'd berate her for not bringing him enough food home and now she'd have to go home and cook something for him even though she was so tired.
Omfg! Rude, rude bitch!
Thanks for update and I'm glad many of them were civilised and brought gifts etc.
Was meant to give an update earlier but have been rushed off my feet the past few days at work with an impending deadline on a project, so here goes the belated update:
On the day, they all arrived with gifts of some sort for each other, myself included. Half of them brought an additional gift for me as a thank you for hosting. When they did arrived I was still in the kitchen and needed another hour to finish things off so I got them all out of their coats and scarves and handed out spoons, spatulas, whisks, sponges and knives all around for everyone to get stuck in. They all seemed to appreciate the informality of it all and did help. They all chipped in to clear up too except one (The Rude One- the one who said she hoped my DH would be out) who arrived late and after dinner said she couldn't be bothered cleaning up. . Two of them brought a dish each too.
We had a good time overall, tbh. They seemed to really appreciate the food and my home although I did think they still don't realise exactly how much effort went into cooking for them all. I did a very elaborate lunch with lots of different dishes and then a selection of desserts and cakes for a late tea.
I'm not sure how I feel about seeing them all again. They was talk about making it a regular occurrence and taking turns to host at each others house but I honestly think that was all talk and I'll believe it when it actually happens. None of them except one maybe, would really be prepared to put themselves through what they expected me to do for them.
As I sat there in their midst as they were all chatting, I did look round and wondered if I'd miss them all if I cut off all contact with them in the future. I realised that one of them I'd always keep in touch with and the rest, I wouldn't miss too much if I didn't meet up again with them or if I ever even spoke to again, which is a shame. It left me feeling a little sad.
The only dampner on the whole day for me was The Rude One (not The Gobby One- she was actually quite well behaved although she did ask for a tour of the house at least five times and each time I demonstrated selective deafness at her request). She arrived late after we'd already sat down to eat. She made a few comments throughout the whole evening that I felt very slightly uncalled for and although I wasn't fishing for compliments, I noticed she was the only one who didn't say she enjoyed the food. The only dish she raved about was the one that was brought in by someone else. She brought me a bouquet of flowers but then proceeded to break it up into seven little bouquets before the evening was over and hand a small arrangement to everyone which I thought was a little weird. I was left with two roses. She also said a few times how when she invited us all to hers, she'd invite all husbands and kids too (yeah-, my arse you will, I thought) and I felt she was hinting that I had been a bit mean in not inviting them all. She went in to the kitchen at the end despite not helping to clear up and opened up my cupboards, took out some bacofoil and proceeded to pack herself a doggy bag of left overs. I walked in to the kitchen whilst she was in the middle of it at which point she said 'We're just taking some food home- hope you don't mind.' Then she asked a few others if they also wanted some. I didn't say anything and she carried on.
They left at about 9pm-ish. The Rude One did mention that she comes to my town every week and often drives past my house and wouldn't mind popping in the next time I had cooked up a fancy meal but I'd learnt my lesson by this time
and felt the doom of the impending wrath of the MNers if I didn't say anything or said the wrong thing so I joked that I am sure I'd spare a few morsels for her if she came and earned it by being my sous chef and cleaner on the day and that actually, it was my turn to put my feet up and be entertained by her before she'd be invited to mine again. That was the only catty remark that left my lips all day though so all in all, I was quite pleased with my self restraint.
Anyway, after they all went, I thought I'd be left thinking 'Never again in a month of Sundays!!' but strangely enough I felt pleased, satisfied and little invigorated by it all. Maybe I haven't learnt my lesson well enough after all !
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