Ex threatening court, unborn baby

(144 Posts)
marleyandme2014 Thu 23-Jan-14 12:49:46

Posting here for more traffic as need so advice urgently.

Currently 40+6 and been having a slow early labour for 3 days now.

Last week or so (basically from my due date) my ex has been absolutely vile towards me - sending angry abusive text messages, telling me what a bad parent I'll be, how I'm mentally unstable (I'm not), how he will be taking me to court and he is going to show them what kind of person I really am.

I asked him why? I have not refused contact once the baby is born. I have said I won't be putting him on the birth cert initially and this is one of the reasons he will take me to court - to gain his 'rights'.

I am with my long term partner (ex was a fling during a break in my relationship - not proud of it but there you go). Ex is so angry, he is badmouthing me to anyone who will listen and has now started talking about turning my mum against me (which would never happen as we are very close).

I don't know what my first steps should be. I obviously am trying not to get too stressed because I don't want to cause problems with the birth, but I am so upset. This person is foreign and I'm scared he will get parental rights, then a passport and take her away from me.

Chunderella Thu 23-Jan-14 14:00:38

Incidentally, what country is he from? The reason I ask is to find out if it's a Hague Convention signatory or not.

MonsterMunchMe Thu 23-Jan-14 14:08:10

As all pp have said.

Change your number, only turn the phone on/off to text him.
Report to police for harassment
Save all texts
Do not ever ever ever put him on the birth cert.
get a passport ASAP
Tell the hosp he is not allowed in
Breast feed as long as you possibly can.

I woman I worked with was in a scarily similar situation to yours.......so she put her new DP (they got together while she was pregnant) on the birth cert. morally questionable an wrong yes. But the DP has and is raising the DD as his own. And it was another block in the road for the crazy ex.

Legoinmyfoot Thu 23-Jan-14 14:14:30

Perhaps I'm being a dunce here, I have no experience of anything like this, but.. Could the op, if she were so inclined, simply cut this man out of her life? He can't prove he is the father, it's his word against hers. She doesn't have to put him on the birth certificate and they're not married. He has no rights. Would he even be taken seriously if he tried to gain any kind of custody?

bumbumsmummy Thu 23-Jan-14 14:14:46

So sorry you are going through this concentrate on giving birth and try not to let this detract from what's going to be wonderful moment in your life

Once you feel strong enough I'd report him to the police

marleyandme2014 Thu 23-Jan-14 14:19:03

Again thank you to everyone who has posted, your comments are helping me feel stronger. I will read and re read all the advice here.

I am due to see the midwife later this afternoon so I will tell her what has been going on with regards to threats etc.

He and his family are from Turkey, and a number of family members live in Cyprus.

Alisvolatpropiis Thu 23-Jan-14 14:21:30

I remember your other thread.

As others have said, absolutely do not put him on the birth certificate.

Report the abusive texts to the police.

What kind of phone do you have? I know on some phones, including iPhones and samsungs you can just block a person from being able to contact you without having to go through the rigmarole of changing your own number

summertimeandthelivingiseasy Thu 23-Jan-14 14:23:23

Do not have any contact

Keep his abusive texts as evidence

Do not acknowledge him as the father of the child in any way to anyone - say that you are unsure as to whether the father is him or DP, DP willing.

Do not put him on birth certificate.

Get married

I cannot see anything to be gained by having him in the baby's life.

marleyandme2014 Thu 23-Jan-14 14:23:41

Hi Alis - I have an iPhone - if I could block him for the time being that would be great!

BrandybuckCurdlesnoot Thu 23-Jan-14 14:25:53

Lego - should the OP be able to cut this man out of his child's life? He is the father. He shouldn't be threatening or being aggressive towards his child's mother but he is that child's other parent. You can't pick or choose when men should be held responsible for bringing a life into this world.

Shitehawk - the OP can refuse DNA but he can go to court and get a test ordered. The OP will look extremely unreasonable if it turns out she lied about him not being the father just to try and get him off her back. She needs to deal with this properly, not by lying to the Dad. They both conceived this baby and are both responsible.

Marley, you don't need all this stress right now. Do what you can to minimise it. Send one last message to him saying you will inform him when the baby is born. Turn off your phone. Change numbers as soon as you can. Definitely speak to your midwife about what is happening, if just for some extra support.

Alisvolatpropiis Thu 23-Jan-14 14:29:53

marley

If you go into your contracts and select him as if you were going to edit the number, "block this caller" should be the last option.

You can unblock at anytime. If you don't have the option you may need to update the operating system first but that will take only a few minutes and will give you some much needed peace!

Alisvolatpropiis Thu 23-Jan-14 14:30:11

*contacts even.

ChasedByBees Thu 23-Jan-14 14:32:51

You've had such good advice from everyone here. Please try not to worry about him right now - just concentrate on that baby coming out to meet you. thanks

Whilst it probably doesn't feel like it right now, he is probably making your life easier in the long run. He is giving you a nice body of evidence that he is unreasonable and abusive. To be sending aggressive and abusive texts to someone on the verge of giving birth is not the behaviour of a reasonable and caring parent.

If you can bear it I would let him rant and rave and keep a record of it all. The only person it reflects badly on is him.

MiscellaneousAssortment Thu 23-Jan-14 14:39:59

Hello there OP, I had been wondering if you'd had your baby yet.

I haven't read the second page yet but just wanted to say, of he's threatening you and scaring/ upsetting you whilst you're in labour, I'd call the police to go warn him off. What a selfish nasty cruel man flowers

Then concentrate on yourself and your baby.

After the birth:

1. Register your babies birth as soon as you are able, and do it quietly so he can't find out you're going to the registrars and turn up and make a fuss. Obviously don't put him on the bc. As I said on the other thread, don't put someone you don't trust in a position of trust, or power over a child or yourself
2. Send off for baby's passport soon after that. If she/ he already has one and it's safe with you (hidden), then he can't apply for another or take abroad
3. Email/ text him to clarify in writing that you are not stopping him having a relationship with his child. This will help you to have it in writing just in case
4. Put fingers in ears and ignore ignore ignore. He cannot take you to court for no reason other than punishing you. He's being a shit.

I'm so sorry you're going through this right now. What a bastard. Try to clear your mind and heart of his threats and bullying. What's important right now is you and your baby. Xxx

IneedAsockamnesty Thu 23-Jan-14 15:33:37

After the baby is born you have 6 weeks to register that gives you 6 weeks to get hitched

Viviennemary Thu 23-Jan-14 15:40:02

Log each text. Block him from your phone. And if the harassment continues I'd seek legal advice or inform the police. Get in first with this especially if you suspect he will be causing trouble later. As far as I know he has no right to be on the birth certificate in your present circumstances.

IneedAsockamnesty Thu 23-Jan-14 15:43:21

I wouldn't block the phone as the longer he sends the nasty texts the more evidence you have and most of them slip up after awhile and text the unspoken threats,just put the sim in a £10 handset get a new sim for your phone and shove the one he contacts you on silent in a drawer.

caruthers Thu 23-Jan-14 16:01:14

Of course you should recognise him as the father of your child because that's what he is.

As for harassing you specially at this time he sounds an absolute idiot and if he continues i'd involve the police it's just not right.

When the baby comes and he contacts you and his civil and not threatening then it would be fair to allow contact (The threat that he would take the child i'd take seriously so supervised visits would be an option for you).

Good luck op.

TheBigJessie Thu 23-Jan-14 16:09:54

I agree with sockreturnimgpixie. He's giving you loads of evidence against him. Don't block the texts- they're practically a gift-basket with gift-wrap and extra pineapple and kumquats.

jacks365 Thu 23-Jan-14 16:12:39

Hope all goes well with the birth marley.

Let him dig himself a big hole it'll collapse on him eventually. Years ago a person I know made the sort of threats he has though in this case it was the mother saying she'd do anything to stop the father having contact. She threw all sorts of accusations around but she lost out in the end. He says he'll paint you as an unfit mother but he can't unless you are and I doubt that. Ignore his tgreats and completely disengage from any conversation. Send a factual text when your child is born including a photo and full details. If he requests contact reasonably then arrange it to take place at your nearest sure start centre and take a third party with you for moral support. Doesn't really need repeating but don't put on birth certificate but also don't deny he is the father either and as soon as possible apply via csa for maintenance. He can rant as much as he likes he is just trying to intimidate you into doing things his way but you don't have to. I would be surprised if he even tried the court route he is trying to intimidate you because he knows he'd have little chance any other way.

Most importantly remember we are always here for you.

WooWooOwl Thu 23-Jan-14 16:13:41

To be fair to him, if someone told me I couldn't be named on my child's birth certificate I might not behave particularly well either.

You have no right to stop your child having his/her biological father named on the birth certificate, and you have no right to stop this man being a father to his child.

Shitehawke Thu 23-Jan-14 16:24:54

Its not illegal to not put a man who you dont really know is the father on it. Besides, this precious moral high ground mumsnet obsess over is going to be pretty bleak if op loses her baby to a man who does a runner. Fuck his rights. Protect your self and your baby op.

caruthers Thu 23-Jan-14 16:33:02

She does know he's the father.

NinjaBunny Thu 23-Jan-14 16:49:41

Texting you vile messages?

Go to the police, report the messages and harassment. Let them deal with it.

Then change your number. Give you ex your partner's number and say he can contact you through your partner if he needs to.

Are you married? If you're not I'm pretty sure he has no rights and I wouldn't let someone who was abusive towards me near my child.

My ex was like your ex. I told him to contact me through a friend and changed my number. If he can't be civil to you then he can't have contact with you. Simples.

Cut him out. It's harsh, but he's brought it on himself.

You can't be a new mum with that kind of shit going on around you. Break contact for now and contact him again when you're ready.

flowers

caruthers Thu 23-Jan-14 16:56:15

I haven't got PR at the moment. How do I get it?
If you are the child's natural father, PR can be obtained by:

Marrying his mum.
Making a PR agreement with his mum.
Re-registering his birth, ensuring that you are named as his father on the birth certificate.

Applying to the court for an order (if your child's mum has refused to make an agreement with you, or you're unable to add your name to the birth certificate).

Applying to the court for a residence order.

www.babycentre.co.uk/a564492/parental-responsibility-for-unmarried-dads#section1

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Bearing this in mind he may not follow through with anything legal but forewarned is forearmed.

If he continues to harass you can call the police he's got to stop that.

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