to be annoyed with my friend for saying i set a bad example?

(140 Posts)
QueenofKelsingra Thu 23-Jan-14 11:53:41

Backstory: I went to uni, got a job, got married, got pregnant and left work to have DS1. I did not return to work after DS1, (now a pre-schooler), and now have DTs, (toddlers). I'm 29. DH earns good money at his job, with budgeting we can manage well on his salary alone - for example we 'own brand' shop but don't need to 'value' shop IYSWIM?

DH and I are both products of SAHM families, as adults we appreciate the importance of that and both of us decided that as long as we were financially able to do so, I would be a SAHM for our children. A present there are no plans for me to return to paid employment even when the kids are in school.

I do all the cleaning, shopping, washing, ironing, cooking, housework in general etc. I'm in charge of all our financial incomings and outgoings, savings etc. DH works 11 hour days but is very hands one when home, does bathtime/bedtime etc. at the weekends we both get some 'down time' to do our own hobbies.

DH and I are both 100% on the same page about all of this, we are very happy with this arrangement.

My 'friend' who I have been friends with since school, has now told me that I set a bad example to my children. apparently I am teaching my DSs that their future wives must be a 'domestic slave' (her words) and teaching my DD that she should aspire to be a 'lady that lunches' (again her words)

I actually had to leave and cried all the way home. I just feel so belittled by her comments, like me and DH choosing for me to be at home is some awful crime!

AIBU to be royally pissed off and considering dropping her as a friend? She is single with no children and a real career woman if that matters. I would never tell a working mother that she was 'wrong' for choosing that way, why is ok to do it to me?

tyrannosaurusmomma do you have to see much of SIL? And how does your MIL react with the eyebrow raise? SIL sounds awul. She wouldn't get house room if she were mine.

takingthathometomomma Fri 24-Jan-14 09:05:36

YANBU! Your friend is an idiot. I'm a working mum and would be very offended if one of my friend's told me I was "doing it wrong". Who does she think she is?!

Fakebook Fri 24-Jan-14 09:05:59

I had a friend like this. Note, "had".

When I left my job, she'd always make comments like "lady of leisure" and "being lazy at home again"...Then we bought a new car just before DS was born and I was told "So you're spending all of your DH's hard earned cash now". Bitch. I dropped her quickly after that but not before telling her I didn't appreciate her stupid comments.

You know what's best for your family, ignore this woman.

indyandlara Fri 24-Jan-14 09:06:12

I had lots of those comments from people when I wasn't working. People told me I must be bored and it was a waste. When my DD turned 3 I went back to work 2 days a week. However, that is still not enough to satisfy people and for the last 18 months I have been quizzed about when I will be FT again. You can't win with some people so there is just no point trying. If you are happy with your setup then there is no need to justify yourself.

Oh, and as a teacher who spent 2 years in the school Nursery, can I just confirm that it is nothing like being a mum!

expatinscotland Fri 24-Jan-14 09:21:50

Dump this person. This is not a friend.

pointythings Fri 24-Jan-14 09:27:06

As a full time working parent I can only say that your 'friend' is a twat. This is what you both want for your DCs, you can afford it, you are both on board with it. Ignore her.

(I've had the other side of this so I know of what I speak - it seems a woman's place is still in the wrong sad)

NurseRoscoe Fri 24-Jan-14 09:28:54

Urgh I HATE the term 'lady that lunches' it makes me teeth itch! most people have bloody lunch every day what a stupid phrase!!

Ok rant over & you aren't being unreasonable. She sounds jealous. I have been in the housewife role and it's hard work! A lot harder than any job I've had! It's not the same as sitting on your arse all day at all

ksrwr Fri 24-Jan-14 09:50:12

she might not be jealous.. she may genuinely hate the idea of being a SAHM herself... but that's just her, she shouldn't expect you to have the same opinion as her... and she certainly shouldn't belittle you for it
i work FT and i think its easier than being a SAHM, i admire people who do it, as i recognise they work harder than me

differentnameforthis Fri 24-Jan-14 09:54:21

FreakinScaryCaaw Snap! smile

Charley50 Fri 24-Jan-14 10:23:18

Hi Queen,
I think you should confront her about what she said, and other things she has said to you about this and tell her how out of order and hurtful you find it. It might bring a lot of stuff out in the open and either put an end to your friendship or 'make it stronger' in terms of being honest with each other. I am 45 and still have 5 friends from school, some closer than others. I really value the fact that we have so much history together. We have pissed each other off over the years but we have the bond of teenage madness years and intensity of youth to keep us friends.
So I would suggest talking with her before taking the route of ditching the friendship. YANBU btw (and as a working mum I am a bit jealous of you and would love to be a SAHM ESP if I had 3 kids... I just have 1)..

Kewcumber Fri 24-Jan-14 10:34:48

i work FT and i think its easier than being a SAHM, i admire people who do it, as i recognise they work harder than me

That isn't always true ksrwr - I have worked 4 days a week (so almost full time) and as a single parent still had to do all the evenings/nights/packed lunches/homework/housework the SAHP's can get done during the day.

It's all a matter of personal circumstance and also to be honest what you find easy. For example - paced lunches do my head in but I don;t get out of them is I'm working, housework does my head in but again I don;t get out of that, I have to do it on top of work, entertaining an 18 month old = hard work for me but 3/4/5 year olds not so much.

AngelaDaviesHair Fri 24-Jan-14 10:47:00

People keep saying feminism is about choice or the freedom to make choices. It isn't just about that. It is about a lot of more fundamental issues.

It is also about not denigrating or failing to value things that are predominantly done by women, or that are very much associated with women. Like child rearing, housework, caring etc.

It is no accident that these things are seen as women's work and that they are generally low-paid and undervalued, despite the fact that they are actually crucial to society.

yellowbuttercup Fri 24-Jan-14 10:51:11

Just don't worry about her. You don't have to justify yourself to her. Many women would love to be in your position and she is probably being poisonous because she is jealous. It sounds like you have a lovely family and a great set up that works for you and that is all that matters.

ksrwr Fri 24-Jan-14 11:07:37

kewcumber, i agree, sorry, i meant from my point of view. my FT job is 08.30-5pm at a desk being a PA. i dont work long hours, and i dont do a demanding physical or emotional job like FT SAHMs or medical people or teachers, i am just saying for me i recognise my job as being easier than being at home 24/7 with a house and children. my DD is still at nursery so i dont even have to make her a meal during the week, she has 3 meals a day at nursery. and as we're all out of the house all day every day there isn't much house admin to do during the week either.

Owllady Fri 24-Jan-14 12:09:50

I'm a carer for my severely disabled daughter but it's untrue that it's just women that do it, 46% of carers for friends/relatives are men. So more women do it but not as many as people imagine.

I really don't give a shit if other women think I am letting the side down for caring for another woman I absolutely adore. They need to get other things to be concerned about.

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