AIBU or is my new DH?

(414 Posts)
Hadenough8 Thu 23-Jan-14 08:30:33

DP and I married last month and he moved in with me, the honeymoon period is over already.

We sat down and worked out our incomings and outgoings. Just the very basics, rent, food, petrol, electric, gas, bills etc. We both work. DH earns more than me.

Anyhow once incoming and outgoings were worked out, I suggest we could either put all our money together, pay for the basics, then whatever is left we decide whether to save or what to spend it on. DH didn't want to do this.

The only other way I could think of was we pay half each of the basic outgoings. DH agreed to this. This leaves DH with £1,000 and me with £200 spare.

I have 2 kids from a previous relationship. Out of my £200 spare, I pay for anything they need, school dinners, uniform, haircuts, clothes, school trips etc, etc.

Come pay day, he put his half into my account. Then started to say why should he pay for everything ie there are 3 of us and only 1 of him. So if the electric bill for example comes to £80, I should pay £60, he should pay £20.

DH has 2 kids too from a previous relationship who he hasn't seen for 2 years. He wants to start Court proceedings and says how he is supposed to do that if he is having to pay for my kids.

I feel like getting a divorce already.

So AIBU?

Dinnaeknowshitfromclay Thu 30-Jan-14 20:46:38

I would be tempted to get a Stanley knife to that hall carpet and give him his half back Hadenough!

therewearethen Mon 27-Jan-14 18:57:23

Wow, the threads moved on a bit since I first posted. Glad you've kicked the cocklodger out OP, sorry to hear about your dad though, take care thanks

BeCool Mon 27-Jan-14 10:31:32

thanks for hadenough - you are doing a wonderful job through this crisis and being so strong and focused.
You know 100% he's an arse now - you don't have to engage with him and I hope you can sort out a new SIM card asap. You do not have to give him a penny nor should you - he sounds like a total opportunist.

You have so much on your plate now and this idiot can ONLY think of himself. Ignore him, and focus on your DC and family and looking after yourself.

thanksbrewcake

enriquetheringbearinglizard Mon 27-Jan-14 09:19:01

Maybe set up a new web based email account that you only use for separation information, say a gmail account? Forward anything from him to that and use draft email for notes and a list of texts withvdayes and contents.

That would keep everything in one place, safe and organised.

I agree with Sock.
Do everything by the book. Keep the texts, send a clear emotion free email outlining his theft, financial issues etc as he seems stupid enough to respond, keep that too. Change your email password just incase these things 'vanish'.

IneedAsockamnesty Mon 27-Jan-14 08:42:39

It could be annulled if you both agree it wasn't consummated

That would be a crime, you do not want to give a spiteful bastard this much control over your life.

He is quite likely to try and use the divorce process to claim you owe him money, keeping those texts would prove you don't. Or at the very least email him out lining what he has taken of yours and what the money he paid you was for, as by the time you get as far as divorce you do not want him claiming you owe him money,not because he would have much success but because its a annoying thing. The texts and attitude towards money would also be good examples of unreasonable behaviour if that was the road you needed to go down.

Jess03 Mon 27-Jan-14 08:14:53

Agree with profskully, don't respond to anything else. I wouldn't give him any cash back, he's a mean, awful person who deserves his parents by the sounds of it, hope they're happy together. I'm sorry this is happening to you.

IamGluezilla Sun 26-Jan-14 23:24:15

It could be annulled if you both agree it wasn't consummated wink

ProfessorSkullyMental Sun 26-Jan-14 23:16:10

stop responding to him. he's entitled to fuck all, and quite frankly, you could probably have him for theft for taking your stuff.

let him make his demands, but ignore them, its just hot air. make sure he has everything that is unavoidably his, the rest he can whistle for.

hadenough8 Sun 26-Jan-14 23:15:32

Yes that is true, i am hardly well off, quite the opposite. The gifts he took which he bought and i bought him over the years, came to a lot more than the money he paid. So he has had his money back really!

Yes back living with folks i assume.

I will try to ignore and just get on with what i have to do.

EverybodysStressyEyed Sun 26-Jan-14 23:04:23

Ask him to repay 50% of the wedding cost. Tight bastard. I bet he's very good at accepting. Especially as he didn't bother to leave he presents you bought him!

I assume that until you have sorted tax credits etc you are going to be short?

Don't feel bad - I assume he is back with the folks and probably limited living costs as well as all that disposable income he wasn't willing to share

hadenough8 Sun 26-Jan-14 22:59:10

Thanks everyone, the wedding money wasn't a great deal of cash (very small wedding) and it has already been spent on carpet for the hall way, I would have a hard job giving him half of that! but he still feels he is entitled to half and I should reimburse him the cash. Come to think of it, after the wedding I remember him saying about splitting the money, again I thought he was joking at the time!

I am sure that his ex would tell a different story too. I know that at one point he did pay financially, but i am betting he drove her mad for receipts and an explanation of what she spent 'his' money on!

Even now, he is still asking for the money back that he paid. Even after me explaining to him in detail previously and writing it down, that it covers half of the bills, direct debits, food etc for a month, he doesn't seem to be able to get his head around it.

Thanks for the info about the 2 year divorce.

I am very tempted to give him his money back (not all of it, as i don't have that much in the bank) but what i can afford just to get him off my back. But i am thinking, he will just move on to demanding something else.

enriquetheringbearinglizard Sun 26-Jan-14 19:50:57

I don't think his back history adds up at all.
I bet if you and his ex sat down together hadenough you'd probably be amazed at how much common ground you have. Just guessing there of course, but the more you say the worse he gets.

Ref the phone thing, have you looked at SIMS like giff gaff or Ovivo if you have a phone that suits? might save you a few quid.

Have as much cake thanks wine as you can handle, and stay strong.

IneedAsockamnesty Sun 26-Jan-14 19:27:33

The easiest and cheapest way to divorce given that it very much sounds like you have no financial ties or children together and he has removed anything that belongs to him would be to just wait until your second anniversary and file for divorce using 2 years separation.

You don't need to go into details it's just a tick box and you can do it for a few pounds over £400 off the top of my head I think it's £410 the only fees you need to pay are court fees and when absolutely nothing is at stake you don't even need legal advice. It's really simple.

Or after your first anniversary you can do unreasonable behaviour that means you cannot possibly be expected to remain living with him.same costs involved but if he's a form ignorer then you will have to pay out for balif service and you run the risk of him challenging it for fun

EverybodysStressyEyed Sun 26-Jan-14 19:07:50

If anyone should be getting the money from the wedding it should be your parents who paid for it!

Best wishes to your dad and all of you at this tough time. Try to ignore him - he isn't worth your energy. It sounds like you have a wonderful family

Bearbehind Sun 26-Jan-14 18:58:04

hadenough you really are a strong woman. You married a gobshite but you've not been too proud to see that. Many women would make excuses for him until even they are convinced his behaviour is normal.

His default thoughts about money are just unacceptable and intolerable. To even consider the cost of a phone call and deny you it, when you knew something was wrong, is despicable.

So much about his history doesn't add up. Not seeing his kids but not contributing to their upbringing on one hand does not sit with his living at home yet still having no money.

Also 30 years of thinking it is normal to have your own food shelf in a family and to live like students will take a long time to change, and it really isn't worth the effort.

It is also appalling that he thought to ask you for half of the wedding money. Any normal person would offer it back to the guests in the first instance, given the short duration of the marriage.

You will get through this and you and your kids will have a better life for it. I hope your Dad pulls through.

Owllady Sun 26-Jan-14 18:54:28

He sounds dreadful, I am so sorry, but I am pleased you were prepared to protect yourself rather than your pride x
I wonder whether this kind of abusive behaviour is why he is denied access to his children? sad

Dinnaeknowshitfromclay Sun 26-Jan-14 18:47:36

Asking for his half of the wedding money ffs. Same old theme eh. Money money money is the only currency in his life. Love, happiness, loyalty, devotion all mean nothing to this creep! It might be the right thing to give back the presents as it goes. You are well shot of this total turd!

cornflakegirl Sun 26-Jan-14 18:46:58

I'm so sorry about your dad thanks

I have been trying to make allowances for your H, but with everything else you've said, even I have completely run out of them now. I'm so sorry it all had to come to a head at the same time as your dad's illness. I hope you keep getting great advice on making the divorce as painless as possible. And that you find someone else who deserves you.

I have read the entire thread and HadEnough you are an extremely strong woman. Good on you for being so brave during such an emotional and distressing time for you.
I hope your Dad gets well soon!
Dont worry about your stbxh, im sure his free text messages will run out soon and I very much doubt hel want to actually pay to send any! You should have some peace soon smile x

hadenough8 Sun 26-Jan-14 18:34:03

Thanks Toffee for now I just have to focus on my dad, the trip to visit takes 2 hours there and 2 hours back, not much time left for solicitor visit at the mo

ToffeeOwnsTheSausage Sun 26-Jan-14 18:18:29

I am so sorry about your father flowers.

Tomorrow could you get the children to school then visit your father and then a solicitor or advice.

Ignore all his texts. Block him if you can and pack up anything he has left behind. Maybe make a note of anything he has taken that belongs to you. He is playing dirty. He is not on your team. Treat him like the enemy now.

So cross for you but you are doing great. Remember that and don't let this twat grind you down.

hadenough8 Sun 26-Jan-14 17:40:51

That's a good idea Sister, yes it is pay as you go and I would much rather not have to read these insults.

My dad is seriously ill and it is not looking good. I feel tearful enough as it is and I am trying not to be emotional in front of the kids and hold it together, its really not helping.

Doha Sun 26-Jan-14 17:35:04

his presents to you were gifts therefor you owned them. Ask him why he stole your belongings and ask for them to be returned...on second thoughts better not to engage with him at all. Can you keep the texts without opening them you may need them as evidence at some point?

sisterofmercy Sun 26-Jan-14 17:31:55

Depending on what type of phone you have (it sounds like a PAYG?) and your finances is it possible to get a PAYG SIM card to put in your phone? You can tell your loved family and friends where to get hold of you on the new number and only check the original SIM when it is convenient for you (and you feel strong enough.) Then you could save the evidence for the divorce but not look at them all the time.

The sexual and animalistic insults are worrying me slightly though. If this doesn't die down as his rage settles but carries on you might have to consider contacting the police.

I hope your dad is feeling comfortable and your mum is okay. I am glad you have a supportive family nearby - your cousin sounds a total star.

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