To tell my mum to piss off and keep her nose out?

(61 Posts)
BlatantReverse Wed 22-Jan-14 18:04:35

I'm struggling to know how to deal with a family situation and would like some opinions. So as not to mislead, I'm not going to do a reverse AIBU sneakily, but will write out the issue from the other perspective and would really appreciate feedback as if replying to them.

My daughter is 6yo and very badly behaved. I suffer with depression and anxiety, I don't sleep and have been signed off work for over a year. My house is tiny and my landlord won't do any repairs so it's falling apart. My wife works and we both struggle to keep the place clean and tidy. Recently I've been asking my parents for help with my daughter's behaviour a lot - she spits, punches and bites when she doesn't get her own way, I've tried taking things away as punishment, I've tried smacking her but nothing works. I usually call my parents for help 2/3 times a week when DD won't go to bed, assaults my wife and winds me up to the point I end up losing my temper and screaming at her.

After a particularly bad night last night I called my mum as DD wouldn't go to bed, she nipped, punched and bit my wife and spat in my face. No one else sees her behave like this, she's sweetness and fucking light with everyone else. I admit I was shouting a lot, but my mum threatened to call the police if I didn't stop. She doesn't know what a life I've got with DD, I cry with the worry of the affect her behaviour is having on my wife, who's lost 5 stones in the last 6 months. My mum and sister have told me I have to contact the health visitor or GP to ask for help with what they call our 'family situation' but why can't they see it's DD's fault, instead of blaming me and my wife? I feel like just fucking off somewhere and leaving them all to it. The neighbours were banging on the wall last night, they can fuck off too.

Joiningthegang Wed 22-Jan-14 18:08:01

Oh my goodness that sounds like a horrible situation for all of you . It really does sound like you need some help. How is dd at school?

PrimalLass Wed 22-Jan-14 18:08:40

It's not your DD's fault - she is 6.

However, it must be incredibly hard to live with. Why don't you want to access help from the HV or GP?

NinjaBunny Wed 22-Jan-14 18:08:52

You can't call her for help and tell her to keep her nose out.

You need to contact SS and ask for some help. And take your wife to a GP.

Might not be what you want to hear but it's what you need to hear.

sad

WaffilyVersatile Wed 22-Jan-14 18:09:00

Your daughter is 6. She isn't too blame because she cannot possibly fathom the impact of her behaviour. I say again, she is 6.

You need a break almost certainly but this is not your Mums problem quite frankly - in an ideal world she would want to help but shes right in the sense that YOU and your wife need to sort it out. Have you spoken with dd school about how she is there?

BlatantReverse Wed 22-Jan-14 18:11:58

Her teachers say she's great - polite, clever, occasionally naughty but nothing worse than you'd expect.

PrimalLass Wed 22-Jan-14 18:13:51

So you are the mum or the sister?

WaffilyVersatile Wed 22-Jan-14 18:14:01

and what do they say when you tell them how she is at home? when do you think her behaviour started getting worse?

BlatantReverse Wed 22-Jan-14 18:14:54

I can't go to HV, they'll make out I'm a bad parent. I want to take DD to the GP to get her put on Ritalin or something to calm her down, but my mum and sister are making out I'm the problem rather than DD. I do nothing but stare at the walls from the minute my wife takes DD to school until she picks her up again. It's the stress.

BlatantReverse Wed 22-Jan-14 18:16:03

(I'm the sister, this is more helpful than asking advice for me, thank you all)

redmayneslips Wed 22-Jan-14 18:16:40

I can't follow this, are you the wife, the mum or the sister?
What is a reverse AIBU anyway?

Chippednailvarnish Wed 22-Jan-14 18:17:01

So if you're the mum or the sister why don't you report to the health visitor or GP, instead of posting the juicy details on the internet?

WaffilyVersatile Wed 22-Jan-14 18:17:13

nothing like taking responsibility. If this was my grandchild I would have called SS already - Your attitude toward your daughter seems to be half the issue by the way

AnUnearthlyChild Wed 22-Jan-14 18:18:12

Why does it have to be anyone's 'fault'?

I don't think that pov is helping. Why not ditch the idea of who's fault it may or may not be and look for blame free solutions.

There is a problem with your dds behaviour. You have tried to fix it but cannot. You have asked for help from your mum but she cannot fix it.

Therefore You need to access someone who can help you fix it. GP or health visitor would be an excellent start.

ilovemydoggy Wed 22-Jan-14 18:19:24

Why do you call your mum?

Chopstheduck Wed 22-Jan-14 18:19:29

So you are the sister of the father of the child?

He needs help. The whole family needs help, I would try to have a quiet word with the HV if you know her at all.

call ss for a badly behaved 6yo, really?

AnUnearthlyChild Wed 22-Jan-14 18:21:54

I am confused as to who is who in all this. But I stand by what I have said.

If you are not one of the parents and the behaviour of the 6 yo is as extreme as you describe I'd consider reporting to social services and see if they can the help they need

mattsmadmum Wed 22-Jan-14 18:22:16

Hi sending you hugs. Please dont go another day like this. Someone with more knowledge will be here v soon

WaffilyVersatile Wed 22-Jan-14 18:22:33

No, calling SS because a set of parents who clearly aren't coping and have resorted to smacking while seemingly blaming the 6 yr old instead of taking the slightest bit of responsibility - if this was my grandchild I would not want to wait to see things escalate.

ISeeYouShiverWithAntici Wed 22-Jan-14 18:24:23

First of all, forget about allocating blame. It is unhelpful.

There is clearly an issue around the behaviour of the child. Focus on solutions.

have the child examined, to rule out anything perhaps physical. Have her assessed to rule outany disability or developmental Isue and then work on how the parents can change their behaviours and responses to the child. There are courses, resources and other help out there.

Clearly something is going wrong so all efforts should be made to put it right, as a team, instead of turning on one another.

The 6 yo DD behaviour is a symptom rather than the cause of any problems. It maybe that she is reacting to a very stressful home situation by getting stressed herself or it maybe that she has SN / SEN that are not being addressed so she manages to hold it together in school but meltsdown at home when the pressure is off.

Whichever the cause - the solution lies with the parents taking some positive action to provide a more supportive environment for the children.

i doubt very much they'll intervene unless 6yo is 'at risk' of physical harm.

Sorry should read
for the child at the end

IDugUpADiamond Wed 22-Jan-14 18:26:18

I really can't follow this but it sounds awful

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