AIBU to feel spied on?

(34 Posts)
MsMommy Wed 22-Jan-14 14:59:57

So I'm on Facebook (natch) but my account is pretty locked down. Privacy settings are high. No Joe Bloggs can see my account, only Friends and there aren't hundreds of them.
My Dad isn't on Facebook but my mum is and he goes on her account all the time to see what's happening. He never posts tho.
But almost every time we see them he'll ask me something about something I've posted on FB, and not like the regular - look at this - type updates, but conversations I've had with people on there.
So last week I posted a link about a new restaurant to a friend and underneath we chatted about whether we should book a night out. Today he asks me if me and this other woman have booked our night out.
Other times he's asked me about whether I got a job I was discussing with someone on there, or he's asked me if someone else I was chatting with on there came up with the thing they promised me.
Honestly I find it a bit creepy. It feels a bit like he's opening my mail. I know if I say anything about it he will say 'well it's in the public domain' and obv he is kind of right, but it just makes me feel really uncomfortable. Those were conversations I was having just with that person, no one else. But yes, ok, they were conducted on timelines rather than by DM.
It makes me feel like I just shouldn't post anything on there any more, which actually I don't want to do. But I do find it makes me really uncomfortable.
What do you think? AIBU? Is it just an internet etiquette thing? Should I just forget it?

OddBoots Wed 22-Jan-14 15:02:24

I can understand how you feel, it is just easier to stick to DMs for that kind of conversation though - regardless of the rights or wrongs it's just simpler.

If you stood in the middle of a pub and shouted your conversations, you wouldn't be surprised if you Dad, who happened to be there, asked you about them. This is the internet equivalent. Have PM conversations if they are, the clue is in the name, private conversations.

BTW your Dad is BU too grin

OddBoots Wed 22-Jan-14 15:04:07

It looks like you could put your mum on the restricted list but I've never tried doing anything like that.

jacks365 Wed 22-Jan-14 15:06:06

I do understand but if you don't want people to see your conversation then you really need to not have it on your timeline. Even worse he could join in the conversation on fb if he was online at the time.

ISeeYouShiverWithAntici Wed 22-Jan-14 15:06:13

If he was on facebook, would he be your 'friend'? So he'd be able to see the public conversations you have? And your mum, who is, can see the public conversations you have?

I think that the problem is that you are chatting in an open way - well, open as in anyone who is your friend can see it. So people are going to assume that since they are there for every one (of your fb friends) to see - you are happy for everyone to see them!

tbh, I think you are being unreasonable in your expectations. You are putting things onto the viewable part of your facebook. People who have access to your facebook will view it.

He probably doesn't realise that you see your viewable to your friends conversations as private in some way and thinks that because they are clearly visible, they are readable. iyswim. grin Can you change your settings so that people can't see what you post?

Everyone else is also reading your conversations and judging you. It just happens that your DF is the only one interested enough to ask you about them.

MsMommy Wed 22-Jan-14 15:11:52

TBH I would prefer if he did join in the conversation! Then I would know he was reading and wanting to contribute. It's something about coming to me afterwards. I don't know! I don't know why I find it so weird!!
It's like if I don't know people are reading my stuff then I can't react to it, but then telling me he read this stuff afterwards, just feels odd. Like a neighbour telling you, 'I saw you were watching Big Brother last night' or something, like you didn't know they were spying through your window at your telly.
But you are right. If I feel strongly enough about it I should post it privately. Or maybe there's a way to restrict views of things I've posted on other people's timelines.
Thanks for the reality check. smile

YABU, when you put it on timeline you are telling everyone on your friends list the information. It's a deliberate choice to do it, so you are technically inviting comment from every single person that can see it.

It's a bit like stripping off in the street and complaining that someone looked at you.

I'm surprised you don't understand this. If you don't want other people to know your doings don't tell the whole of your fb friends list what you are up to.

If you share the information you are being very unreasonable to say you feel spied on, it's not like he's hacked your account.

I have my MIL on restricted because she comments on every post, mostly inane thoughts so I put her in acquaintances and limit my posts to friends not including acquaintances.

Mia4 Wed 22-Jan-14 15:12:20

Yabu but I get why you feel that way. Stick to pm for conversations that you want to.keep private or semi private. Jacks is very right that with non-private posts he could just jump in on your mum's fb.

MsMommy Wed 22-Jan-14 15:12:42

HA HA! CAKES!!!!! grin

MollyPutTheKettleOn Wed 22-Jan-14 15:13:27

YABU. You're not being spied on. You are writing something on a public website (albeit restricted to people you allow to look) but you know he looks on your Mum's account. How is it any different to if he had hos own FB account and he spotted these conversations. If you don't want people reading what you're writing and commenting on it, don't write it on there for everyone to see. Send private messages.

I actually am finding it bizarre that it is such a big deal and you feel creepy and uncomfortable by it. It's not like he is hacking your FB account to read your private messages.

Mia4 Wed 22-Jan-14 15:14:15

Damn posted same time as op.update. Glad you.accept yabu, def use pm to.talk instead.

CoffeeTea103 Wed 22-Jan-14 15:14:18

Yabu, he's your dad, why would you be uncomfortable I don't get it?

It's not like your neighbour looking through your window and saying I saw you watched BB last night.

It's like you sitting in your front garden, with your tv on a standard in front of you, switched on full blast, pointing directly at the neighbours front windows as they close their curtains.

He isn't sneaking up and spying covertly on you, he's looking at the massive flag you are waving in the middle of the street.

MsMommy Wed 22-Jan-14 15:18:00

Just because in my head it felt like a chat between me and this other woman, and not really anyone else's business. I'd posted it on her timeline, but obv it shows up on mine too.
If someone else had jumped in and said, 'ooh I love that restaurant, can I come?' I wouldn't have had a problem, it's just something about the fact that he comes with a comment after the fact. And every week!
But yes, you are right, you are right. It's me being weird.

MollyPutTheKettleOn Wed 22-Jan-14 15:18:23

Another one : it's like sitting in his kitchen talking to your friend while he's making you both a cup of tea wink

MsMommy Wed 22-Jan-14 15:21:01

I'm not sure I agree Coola. My Facebook is deliberately not broadcast to the whole world. And I am quite careful about what I post and being aware of who can read it.
I don't want to restrict them tho. I'll just have to get over it.

MsMommy Wed 22-Jan-14 15:21:41

Yeah, I prefer that analogy Molly. Because it doesn't make me sound mental. ;)

MsMommy Wed 22-Jan-14 15:22:08

Oh, except can we make it my kitchen?

MollyPutTheKettleOn Wed 22-Jan-14 15:24:04

Would you feel the same if it was your Mum commenting to you about it in person?

Unfortunately, I think with FB, you have to accept that even with the tightest security, other people could see your comments. People share their log ins. FBs settings would allow friends of your friend to also see your conversation. People you haven't given access to yourself.

Definitely keep conversations to PM if you feel this way.

Brodicea Wed 22-Jan-14 15:26:06

I have a friend who is constantly spotting when I have said something to someone else -such as commented on, had a conversation with, liked anything at all. It will come up in the more detailed newsfeed on the sidebar rather than in her normal newsfeed so most people probably wouldn't keep tabs but she keeps a detailed eye on EVERYTHING there. I do feel a bit spied on, but really mainly because she comments on it to me when we talk and, as someone else in this thread said, most people wouldn't really remember or be at all interested!

But that's the way it is on the book of face - I just try and do more PMing and to be honest, tend to use it a lot less than I used to.

Crinkle77 Wed 22-Jan-14 15:31:11

I don't really understand why you feel weird about your dad looking at your facebook page unless you don't have a very good relationship with him. Have you thought that maybe your mum reading your updates and then telling your dad about it in general conversation?

mmmuffins Wed 22-Jan-14 15:34:03

I can see where you are coming from, it is weird if him to intently read your Facebook (from someone else's account), follow your conversations with other people (without joining in), and then ask you for follow up on them when it has nothing to do with him :/

Yes other people can see these conversations, but I suspect most just glaze them over and never think of them again if it's naught to do with them.

Nothing you can do about it if you don't want to restrict your mother.

I recently deleted both my parents from my friend's list because they didn't use Facebook in the same way that I did, and it was causing me great annoyance!

LeafyGreen13 Wed 22-Jan-14 15:39:07

All your friends are reading it. My mum mentioned two women I know were discussing me moving house. They are both FB friends who read but don't post so I'd forgotten they were on there.

It's not just your friends but friends of friends. It's a huge spiders web.

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