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AIBU to feel hurt by my friends?

(139 Posts)
Crazeeladee Tue 21-Jan-14 18:59:05

I posted this in chat too, but haven't had a response. I know I'm going to sound very childish in this post, but need some advice on how change how I feel about a situation. I became friends with friend A when we were both pregnant, we got on very well and met friend b at baby groups, we used to meet up for walks and lunches when our dc's were babies. I met friend c at another group, she was struggling to cope with her baby and I invited her to some of our lunches, she became a firm friend of us all. We had a few evenings together as families, all got on well. I've recently found out that they have been meeting up all together without me, and are now all going on holiday together. I feel very hurt, I have mentioned it friend c, who replied that some friendships just work, I know this is true, but just can't stop feeling really hurt, and wondering what I've done. We still see each other during the week sometimes when the dc's are at school, it's meeting up as families that I don't get the invites to. I feel really hurt and upset,AIBU?

pigletmania Thu 23-Jan-14 07:50:35

How horrid pink, good on you, now that 'Wendy' gas gone she comes running to you. No thank you!

Crazee- I'm sorry they've been this way. How catty ? you don't deserve it.

Saying that they don't deserve you as friends !

OP- distance yourself or better still : cut them off
You will meet some amazing friends and you DON'T need these 'school girl' type 'friends'

pinkelephantpinkelephant Thu 23-Jan-14 00:05:21

As someone who has been Wendied (right down to the projecting her behaviour and turning it round as if it was me in the wrong), my advice would be to hold your head up high, distance yourself from them, and spend time with other friends.

I guarantee that in time their 'friendship' with disintegrate. Chances are that friend C is only doing it to get at you and to upset you. If you show that you couldn't give a flying fuck, the fun won't be there for her and she will probably ditch A and B as friends who will then come crawling back to you and you can take pleasure in not letting them back into your life

In my case, I introduced 'Wendy' to another good friend of mine and suddenly they were best buddies and were ignoring me. When I asked them both if I'd upset them they made out that I was being paranoid and trying to cause trouble, when it was actually quite obvious that Wendy in particular was doing things to try to hurt my feelings and exclude me. I actually started to doubt myself at one point, but talking it through with another friend made me realise that it was Wendy and my other friend at fault, not me.

I just distanced myself from them both, and funnily enough 2 years later my friend has been ditched by Wendy, and keeps trying to be friends with me again. I'm polite and friendly to her but I decline any invitations to meet up for coffee or to nights out.

pigletmania Wed 22-Jan-14 23:35:21

Fresh start, draw a line under it and move on. Leave them to it, now you have gone, there will be an under dog who gets ignored.

Crazeeladee Wed 22-Jan-14 22:24:34

Ive not heard from them today, so I guess it's just a case of moving onwards and upwards! Fresh start from here smile

MimiSunshine Wed 22-Jan-14 13:12:42

It's amazing what you learn about yourself on here.

I've realised since reading the Wendy threads that it's happened to me twice in the distant past. And it's the fear (almost phobia) of it happening again that has meant that I've held a friend at arms length for a few years.
She has mutual acquentices to a newish friendship group if mine and I've resisted facilitating full friendship.

I hadn't been able to work out why I was resistant to her becoming 'part of the group' who are all lovely and why when one reached out to my friend I was a bit panicky (I knew I was being daft but couldn't help the feeling) about it.

Now I realise it's a deep rooted fear of them all liking each other more than me and leaving me out.

OP if you text anything back to C then if go with something like: I've just heard from A, she mentioned you takes to her about what I confided in you. You're right that is quite high school.

pigletmania Wed 22-Jan-14 12:17:19

C does not sound very nice, very agressive and abrupt, putting op firmly in her place that she's not wanted, and it's them now. She is the one maintaining the high school mentality. Really, dignified silence with that text all the way, be polite when you see then, and distance.,mabey meet with a and c if you wish, but I would distance myself from that group, they will fall iut in the end I'm sure

Thetallesttower Wed 22-Jan-14 10:07:55

I think four different families at four different schools is too many to hold together in a cohesive group. They might find that three is too many really, for group holidays.

I think you should just keep friends with any of the women that you particularly gel with, perhaps not all four together, and just go round for a coffee if they seem keen too.

I kind of get what the woman is saying, sometimes you do not want to continue a friendship, and no-one has rights to a friendship even if you did all meet through you. I would find it very awkward if someone questioned why I was closer to one person rather than another, truth is that is what happens sometimes.

I think you all had unrealistic expectations of how this would continue and if it makes you feel upset/bad, move on.

eddielizzard Wed 22-Jan-14 10:04:13

i think c is pretending to speak for the group.

she's clearly saying she is not sorry - tough shit for you so suck it up.

i would not text her again.

i probably wouldn't text a or b. give it a few days and then decide what to do.

i agree with taking the drama out. that is what c is thriving on. she is definitely a wendy and not to be trusted.

Laura0806 Wed 22-Jan-14 09:46:17

Speaking from bitter experience ha ha, I have mentionned mine on a few of these threads. It has taken me over a year to get over being treated very badly from someone I thought was a very close friend. I am not sure what you said to c or if you have sent any more texts but I think ignoring or sending anything back in anger is not a good idea. You have realised what c is like at least and I think its a good idea to back away at least for now but don't give them anything to gossip about. Text back to a and b and say what one of the other posters said, 'not sure exactly what c said to you but Im fine, was a bit surprised you didn't ask me along but probably a bit sensitive , time of the month etc. Look forward to catching up soon. I can't make sunday as exhausted but lets get another time in soon' and to C, 'not sure what you mean,no need to feel like you're in high school, I was a bit surprised not to have been invited but no probs. Look forward to catching up soon'. If a or b text you to meet up make an excuse but ask one of them to yours and have a chat about it then but for now kill any drama that C seems to be enjoying xxx let us know what you do as this kind of thing has happened to so many of us and I gained a lot of support from on here too. Remember its not you, and sounds like you already have a lot of other lovely friends xx

cheeseandpineapple Wed 22-Jan-14 08:41:49

"different friendships work for different reasons and I'm sorry if you're upset by the fact that we all see each other but I'm also sorry as I feel it's not something I should have to justify"

Thing is she's not sorry. That's a classic passive aggressive I don't give a fuck you're unhappy. I'm sorted, I've created my niche and I'm not going to justify anything because I know that I've done it at your expense.

Friendships do work in different ways with different dynamics. That's true but if I thought a friend was feeling hurt or excluded, I would want to reassure them that there isn't an issue. It's crass to call it high school. Women place a lot of importance on their friendships and it's upsetting when they feel isolated from their pack and a true friend would want to avoid making a friend feel lousy. You don't have to include them in everything you do but you could be more gentle in how you manage them when they express feeling hurt.

I've been in the same situation but with a different outcome. It transpired the holiday that the other 3 families went on together wasn't orchestrated the way I thought it had been. I'd felt a bit awkward and excluded when I first found out but didn't say anything. If I had, I'm pretty sure they would have been quick to reassure and not make reference to "evolving" friendships which is a way of saying we are closer to each other now than we are to you and have evolved away from you.

You need to look at the text in the context of the other texts. If it's just about different dynamics then you reassure and make your friend feel better when she says she's feeling hurt, not get arsey and defensive or issue a completely disingenuous apology.

pigletmania Wed 22-Jan-14 08:21:55

You said you have other great friends, life is too short for this nonsense. You might find once you distance yourself, they come running to you. I would then not give them the satisfaction

pigletmania Wed 22-Jan-14 08:20:21

It seems like c is speaking for the whole group, they are all in this, op has not said c is organising these meet ups, they are all in it together! Mabey they don't get in with your dh who knows, I wouldn't find out. Mabey keep in touch with a occasionally, but just draw a line under it and move on. Your obviously not their type of friend.

Kikithecat Wed 22-Jan-14 08:16:55

Can't wait for the update after they've all been on holiday and fallen out because C made a move on A's OH or whatever!

sallysoubriquet Wed 22-Jan-14 08:11:18

Bohemian I have already made your first point (so it must be right grin ) but I stand by my rider to it, that is when these things happen it is organic, mutual and gradual. What seems to be happening here is a deliberate strategy on the part of C though I could of course be wrong always a first time grin

TheMultiTasker Wed 22-Jan-14 08:07:44

ah this is nastysad

it sounds like they don't like your dh, to me.

pigletmania Wed 22-Jan-14 07:55:11

Yes bohemian I get that, but we have feelings and it's hurtful when friends do that, all people in the friendship group meet and your the one left out. you think you get on, obviously not! I would go radio silence and just move on, c is right your not at high school so don't get caught up in petty bickering. Ok c has made it clear your not her type of friend, and b does nit give a monkeys she sounds like c, how about just stay in contact with A your original friend.

MollyWhuppie Wed 22-Jan-14 07:53:20

I have read the whole thread and I have to agree with a lot of what bohemiangirl has said, although I think it is hurtful that they don't seem to care how they have made you feel and for that reason I would keep them all at arm's length and they do not seem to feel any loyalty to you.

Personally, there are very few people I would choose to go on holiday with - even my 'best' friend wouldn't be someone I'd choose as I know we would want different things from our holiday. I think the husbands in the group may have something to do with this too if they find your DH hard work, but I guess this is something that's embarrassing for them to admit to.

Sorry you feel rubbish OP. It seems friendships are always a minefield even in adult life!

gobbynorthernbird Wed 22-Jan-14 07:26:11

Totally agree with Bohemian.
I read that text as C trying to say that it's nothing personal, but you're not a friend they do couple-y/family stuff with. Maybe it is to do with your DC or DH, but for whatever reason they will see you alone, so it's not like you have been completely excluded.

SpiceWeasel Wed 22-Jan-14 07:20:21

I know it wouldn't be the right thing to do, but I would be very tempted to just text her back "Yeah".

auntpetunia Wed 22-Jan-14 07:05:22

I totally agree don't text any of them. be civil if you meet face to face but move on. it drives them nuts! but you not replying stops their, or in this case c's ammunition to blame it on you.

BohemianGirl Wed 22-Jan-14 06:59:14

But different friendships to work for different reasons. You can have a large(ish) pool of mutual friends and the dynamics will all be very different. Friendships aren't exclusive.

I have friends I would cheerfully go on holiday with - but they arent the same sort I would take to the pub. Ditto I have pub mates but there is no way I would spend a week away with them, we'd drive each other bonkers. never again will I holiday with someone elses children

different friendships work for different reasons and I'm sorry if you're upset by the fact that we all see each other but I'm also sorry as I feel it's not something I should have to justify"

I'm probably the one who doesn't see anything wrong with that text. You aren't 10 years old, bitching in primary school thinking MY friend is ^MY exclusive property. She shouldn't have to justify who she sees, who she goes on holiday with.

I have only read your posts OP, so I haven't picked up on any 'Wendy' projection. Your posts actually say very little.

UnexpectedItemInShaggingArea Wed 22-Jan-14 06:48:59

OP you sound lovely. C sounds like she's behaved horribly. I'm sure you'll have no trouble finding nicer "friends" than these thanks

SaltySeaBird Wed 22-Jan-14 06:46:00

I was Wendied too once, it's horrible.

Don't feel rejected by all three of them. C has most likely had a propaganda campaign against you, A and B just got sucked in by it and believe everything C says. They weren't true friends, they were easily led.

I wish I had never introduced my C to my group of friends. I don't know why Wendy's have to push out the original friend who brought them in.

I just want to add I know a lovely person called Wendy, I know some get upset by the term Wendied.

alma123 Wed 22-Jan-14 06:38:06

Just responding to one of the comments above. The Wendy that I had the displeasure of coming across has several children so has had plenty of time in the school playground to hone her skills.

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