AIBU to feel hurt by my friends?

(139 Posts)
Crazeeladee Tue 21-Jan-14 18:59:05

I posted this in chat too, but haven't had a response. I know I'm going to sound very childish in this post, but need some advice on how change how I feel about a situation. I became friends with friend A when we were both pregnant, we got on very well and met friend b at baby groups, we used to meet up for walks and lunches when our dc's were babies. I met friend c at another group, she was struggling to cope with her baby and I invited her to some of our lunches, she became a firm friend of us all. We had a few evenings together as families, all got on well. I've recently found out that they have been meeting up all together without me, and are now all going on holiday together. I feel very hurt, I have mentioned it friend c, who replied that some friendships just work, I know this is true, but just can't stop feeling really hurt, and wondering what I've done. We still see each other during the week sometimes when the dc's are at school, it's meeting up as families that I don't get the invites to. I feel really hurt and upset,AIBU?

Crazeeladee Tue 21-Jan-14 19:31:39

Yes, think I will stop trying to force a families friendship and leave it as the four of us, although think it'll be a bit of time before I face them without feeling like this. I'll have a search for the Wendy threads, thanks .

Crazeeladee Tue 21-Jan-14 19:36:49

That's exactly it! Friend C is a Wendy! thanks

hmc Tue 21-Jan-14 19:38:07

That's understandable - but you might feel more resigned to it after a bit of time and able to resume a girls only friendship with gusto. Don't throw the baby out of the bath water - it may be that friends a, b and c wish it was otherwise too....

(I'm still smarting that one of my closest friends is having less to do with us because her partner doesn't gel with either me or my dh - I know its likely this to this because she let slip that it is now tricky staying in touch with her children's godmother because her partner doesn't like the godmother {who is her oldest childhood friend}. Her partner seems to have strong opinions on lots of people!)

hmc Tue 21-Jan-14 19:39:21

Blimey - think I need to read these Wendy threads too

Wishfulmakeupping Tue 21-Jan-14 19:43:01

Thought so sad my guess is friend c is setting up all these family get togethers and telling A and B various reasons you're not there. I would organise one yourself and ask them when you're all together be t time and watch. 'Friend' C squirm

Hissy Tue 21-Jan-14 19:45:32

Fucking Wendy strikes again! Sorry Crazee that's shit! sad

pigletmania Tue 21-Jan-14 19:47:23

Gosh how awful. Organise things without c there. She sounds a bit awful and no friend.

Halfling Tue 21-Jan-14 19:54:25

Time to distance the friendship with this group IMO. There is too much backstory here and you may find it difficult to pretend you are ok with all this, when you are with A, B and C.

Withdraw a little bit and focus more on friendships and relations in your life that are working.

I was in a similar situation a few years back. We were a really tight group of 4 friends meeting 2-3 times a week, spending family weekends at Cotswolds, Centreparcs together and the works. Then I realised that there were many meet ups and excursions that I was being excluded from. I distanced myself from them as I was very hurt.

Soon came to know that on of them (the group's alpha) was going through a personal crisis, with her DS being diagnosed with autism. As our DSs are the same age, she found it difficult to be around my DS and found herself comparing the two of them. The other friends DCs were very small so she did not mind being around them so much.

They later made a lot of effort to get back with me, but I just did not feel the connection anymore. While I understood her issues, I had moved on. We still bump into each other, things are cordial, we invite the DCs to the birthdays etc. but don't meet up anymore. The whole group has broken down due to other issues which have nothing to do with me.

All I am trying to say is, don't take this personally. Sometimes, it is not about you but about what is going on in the other person's life. Your feelings are valid. It hurts to be rejected. But at times like these, it is best to hold your head up high and move on.

juicyjuice Tue 21-Jan-14 19:56:49

C's response to your question is weird- why would she say that? What does that even mean? I can understand why you would be hurt about this. Try not to let it get to you (easier said than done, I know!).
It is possible the husbands don't get on- I have friends who I see on my own as my dh is quite 'unusual' in his tastes and hobbies so doesn't have much in common with their dh's- he doesn't drink, has no interest in sport etc. When we socialise as a couple it tends to be with his friends. Not all friends will end up being 'couple' or 'family' friends unfortunately.

Crazeeladee Tue 21-Jan-14 19:58:05

Halfling how long did it take you to stop feeling so hurt? It's a mix of anger , embarrassment and loss at the moment.

JackieOHH Tue 21-Jan-14 19:58:06

In your OP you say that C says " some friendships just work"
I'd be asking what the hell that means?? Is she passively saying they all get on and you're not part of that now? That seems a very mean thing to say, like she's revelling in your pain....
A true friend would either offer help & or advice, or would honestly & genuinely say " I don't see the problem as you see it, we all still love you"
But "some friendships just work" is a non statement and she sounds likes. Bitch.
It's like in the playground " we're not your friend anymore and we don't like you"
Pathetic.
I hope you have better friends somewhere and I definatley think she's poisoning your other friends minds.

eddielizzard Tue 21-Jan-14 20:02:00

hurts like hell.

time to distance and find other friends. but very very hurtful. often the reason is absolutely nothing to do with you - maybe your dh being shy means the others feel awkward. who knows? point is, it's probably totally out of your control so try not to take it personally.

there are other lovely people out there.

Crazeeladee Tue 21-Jan-14 20:03:29

Jackie - the text read "different friendships work for different reasons and I'm sorry if you're upset by the fact that we all see each other but I'm also sorry as I feel it's not something I should have to justify" sad

CiderBomb Tue 21-Jan-14 20:11:43

Maybe you could remind her that she wouldn't be friends with these people in the first place if it were not for you?

She sounds like a cow tbh.

PollyPutTheKettle Tue 21-Jan-14 20:12:12

YANBU and I have to say that was a tactless text. If it were me I would have to ask one of them in person. I know I wouldn't get the truth but it would make me feel better.

I don't what to suggest other then walk away from them. They don't sound good friends to be honest.

Foodylicious Tue 21-Jan-14 20:15:20

You say you have found out that they are all meeting up without you - do you sometimes do the organsing of coffee/lunches or how you used to meet up? the other 2 might just think you are not that interested if you are not actively organising to see them/inviting them.
maybe get in touch with A or B and see if they want to meet up for a bit, focus on the individual friendships instead of all getting on/together as a group.

Whatever is or is not going on with the others C is clearly being a cow and I would be upset if it was me too. I never like how situations like this make me feel like a child again sad

emsyj Tue 21-Jan-14 20:15:25

shock

That is a nasty text. Whatever happens, c is not your friend. Would you feel comfortable inviting a and b to do something and leave her out? Then see what a and b say when they come and see she's not there?

maddening Tue 21-Jan-14 20:15:57

Crikey if you have it as a text then I would arrange a coffee with whoever you feel closest to out of a and b and just ask what this is about - explain your question and show her the text.

Do it in a non accusatory way and show that you are genuinely confused by this response and just wanted to know if this was a general consensus and if so and she wants to end the friendship you just want to know what you have done.

do it face to face as her reaction will tell you everything - if it is a general consensus of wishing to end he friendship then she will likely already know about the text conversation with c, if she is genuinely be puzzled then friend c is a wendy - it might be enough hard evidence to put doubt in to friend a/b s mind re c.

poopadoop Tue 21-Jan-14 20:17:43

OP - that's not a very nice text to get, no wonder you're upset. Rather than slink away, it might be an idea to text a or b and ask if you can call for a quick chat. Then just just tell them you've been feeling a bit excluded and what c said to you. tbh it might be too late, and sthing similar happened with me, and it is really yucky.

poopadoop Tue 21-Jan-14 20:20:00

by the way, how much longer did you know a and b before c, and how long did the 3 of you hang out together? If the others are longer-standing friends then it might be salvagable.....then come and tell us what happens...on mn it seems nobody actually asks what is going on - I think just go straight to a and b, c's text shows she is a cow

Halfling Tue 21-Jan-14 20:22:06

Crazeeladee, I remember being miserable and in tears for so many days. It felt worse than a breakup. It really hit me hard!

But I got over things pretty soon, after around 2-3 weeks. I discovered I was pregnant with DC2, my parents came for a month long visit, a lovely new neighbour moved in next door (who is now a really good friend) and my focus shifted.

I read the Wendy threads and C sounds like a Wendy through and through. You could try some of the suggestions mentioned there.

Crazeeladee Tue 21-Jan-14 20:23:12

I've tried organising things, it always seems to be difficult to get everyone free at the same weekend. We are supposed to be out on Sunday for a meal but I think I've burnt my bridges now. I hadn't heard back from friend b, I told this to friend c a few weeks ago and she advised me just to leave it.

DoJo Tue 21-Jan-14 20:24:32

It's a tricky one as sometimes friendships do just run their course and there isn't really a specific reason for it. It sounds as though this might have happened with your group, but it's definitely not unreasonable to feel hurt and a bit abandoned by it. Could you ask one of the others in the group why they aren't inviting you? It sounds as though C has given a vague reason, but perhaps one of the other two would be able to be a bit more forthright. If you aren't planning on seeing them any more anyway, it could be worth thrashing it out so that if it is something specific you can decide whether it's something you want to change or just something which requires a different group of friends.

poopadoop Tue 21-Jan-14 20:24:54

stop confiding anything more in 'friend' c, she sounds tactless and not acting with your best interests at heart.

Foodylicious Tue 21-Jan-14 20:30:12

I would just text A then and ask if you are still meeting up on Sunday

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