to be upset I'm not invited?

(95 Posts)
barkinginessex Tue 21-Jan-14 13:41:08

DP's friend moved to Thailand in September, just before Christmas DP announced he didn't want to take too much time off over Christmas as he wanted to save his annual leave as was planning to visit his friend in Thailand, it was the first I had heard of it and was a little upset he hadn't thought to invite me. His friend was back in England for Christmas and we were talking about DP's trip, his friend had assumed I was coming too, I told him it was just DP going and they proceeced to start looking at flights etc. Last weekend my parents were visiting and DP mentioned his trip to Thailand, my parents asked why I wasn't going, I was too embarrased to say I was not invited so I said I couldn't have the time off work but then DP laughed and said "thinking about it I haven't actually invited you have I?" and then laughed again. AIBU to feel a little hurt? We have lived together for 4 years, have a mortgage and his DS stays with us alternative weekends. I don't want to say anything and make him feel guilty but it will cost him £1000 approx for flights and spending money (he wants to go for 3 weeks), money that could be spent on a holiday for us and DS in the summer holidays. I feel like booking myself a holiday somewhere hot and not telling him until the day before I fly, childish I know!

Nanny0gg Tue 21-Jan-14 13:43:04

If you've been living together for 4 years I don't understand why you don't talk about it!

Are your finances shared or separate?

Cos to my mind he's acting like a single man.

nennypops Tue 21-Jan-14 13:43:39

Why did you wait to be invited? Surely the time to sort this out was when he first told you what he was planning?

Notaddictedtosugar Tue 21-Jan-14 13:44:54

YANBU to be upset, but I think you need to talk about it with your DP. It sounds like you could have given him the impression that you are quite happy with him going alone. He won't know how you feel unless you tell him.

5Foot5 Tue 21-Jan-14 13:45:08

Good grief.

In what way is this a partnership if he thinks it is OK to spend large sums of money and precious leave swanning off on holiday by himself without even discussing it with you first!

Why do you even need to ask? Of course YANBU to be upset. He is being massively unreasonable.

Errrrr....have you asked him about it?

bragmatic Tue 21-Jan-14 13:46:11

I think he is being unfair. I presume you'll have 3 weeks' annual leave that you'll need to take at some point, during which he can't join you as he'll have used all of his. What does he expect you to do? Hang around and spend your annual leave at home?

I'd book my own holiday.

Mim78 Tue 21-Jan-14 13:46:20

1. I agree it's not for him to "invite" you - you should discuss at the time he started planning.
2. It was rude of him to speak to you in that way "i haven't invited you, ha ha"
3. If your finances are joint he is spending your money on this holiday and that is an issue.
4. Either way you are definitely entitled to a holiday of your own somewhere lovely without "inviting" him.

Freyalright Tue 21-Jan-14 13:48:08

I think you can't control what he does. It's healthy not to live in each other's pockets. He's visiting his friend, it's normal to not want you go, every time.

I'm sure he wouldn't expect to always be invited to visit your friends.

VanitasVanitatum Tue 21-Jan-14 13:48:32

Sounds like he feels he would have more fun without you, or for some reason doesn't think it would be better with you there. This would make me feel really unhappy, but it's not really something you can 'correct' if that's how he feels. I would be hurt, sorry sad

JoinYourPlayfellows Tue 21-Jan-14 13:50:41

I would be bothered sticking around with a guy who cared that little about spending time with me.

DonkeysDontRideBicycles Tue 21-Jan-14 13:50:45

I am not saying he is planning to go there for any high risk activity but that's a lot of time and money spent on himself.

SugarMiceInTheRain Tue 21-Jan-14 13:51:32

I'm not sure why you didn't mention it the first time it came up, either along the lines of 'Ooh I've never been to Thailand, that'll be a great holiday' or saying 'We'd better start saving as it'll cost £x for 2/3 of us to go' YANBU to be upset, but YABU to have not mentioned it before now to him and to have just buried your feelings instead of talking about it. If, in fact, there is somewhere else you'd rather go on holiday, why not make plans to do so while he's away? I have no issue with couples occasionally having separate holidays, but if one partner thinks it's ok to spend masses of joint money swanning off on their own, then it is a problem.

CoffeeTea103 Tue 21-Jan-14 13:51:38

Yanbu, off course he should be able to do trips with friends but it's the way he's done it seems to be the problem.
How did he even think it's ok to decide this without you both discussing it first.

diddl Tue 21-Jan-14 13:51:59

If you've been living together for four years, I don't really understand why you need an invitation-if you want to go-say so-especially after the friend was expecting you to go.

That makes it sound as if your partner would go alone.

BobPatSamandIgglePiggle Tue 21-Jan-14 13:56:51

Depends really would it be a boys holiday or is the friend in a relationship over there?

I can kind of understand why he'd go alone if the friend is single (3s a crown and all that) but I'd be pissed off that he hadn't discussed it

DP has a single, lifelong friend that he's been to visit (about 5 hours away) and I've not gone as they like to go wild camping / fishing and crap that I'd hate.

busylizzy12 Tue 21-Jan-14 13:57:34

How much annual leave does he get each year? My dh and i both get 25 days each - I'd be absolutely furious if he used 3 weeks' worth of leave to swan off to Thailand to see a mate!!! Don't get me wrong, I don't expect him (and we don't) to spend every single day of his annual leave entitlement with me and Dc's but 3 weeks is taking the piss by anyone's standard, surely?

SlimJiminy Tue 21-Jan-14 13:59:26

In your shoes, I'd book my own holiday at the same time he's away. Wouldn't even mention it, just go, have a wonderful time and mention it when we got back. Sounds a bit of a single bloke mindset to me.

Idocrazythings Tue 21-Jan-14 14:03:26

Yanbu. Flying halfway across the world and not giving you a second thought is selfish. I think a "boys holiday" should involve somewhere less than 3 hours flight and about a week. (Apart from bobs partner type of things as "wild camping" is a bit different to 3 weeks in Bangkok)

Freyalright Tue 21-Jan-14 14:03:59

Busylizzy12 - furious!!!!!! Wow. OP doesn't have children. Why would you want to restrict someone's short life. Friends are important. I'm sure you would cope for three weeks.

elspethmcgillicuddy Tue 21-Jan-14 14:06:00

Ummm... I hate to bring it up but wanting to go to Thailand without your partner sounds a bit dodgy to me... Sex tourism is alive and well... Could this be part of it OP?

Even if you think not I would suggest sti clinic visit once he gets back...

Lovecat Tue 21-Jan-14 14:09:09

My BIL did this to SIL. Over half term when normally they had time off together with their DCs, he flew off on a £3k jolly. This was a year ago. Their relationship hasn't recovered sad

Freyalright Tue 21-Jan-14 14:11:21

Lovecat - DCs and a jolly, is different to child free and visiting a best friend

Floggingmolly Tue 21-Jan-14 14:12:01

You're his live in partner; you shouldn't need an invite to join him when he goes on holiday confused

MissMilbanke Tue 21-Jan-14 14:13:05

You see, to most people in a relationship, they just like talk about things.

I find it most odd that you didn't have a conversation about it when it was first broached.

Do you want to go ? Well sort yourself out a ticket.

If not then definitely look at booking yourself a holiday alone

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