Messy teenage relationship situation WWYD?

(44 Posts)
thecatgotthecream Sun 19-Jan-14 21:25:06

Last year DS 19 started seeing a girl who is good friends with DD 17, they went out for 10 months and she was/is a lovely girl, they broke up two weeks ago, neither of them did anything wrong and it was a mutual break up, they argued a lot and both were very jealous and just decided to call it quits. Anyway DD has still remained friends with this girl and girl still comes round 3-5 times a week, but now just to see DD. DS has complained about this and now him and DD are arguing. Girl doesn't cause any drama and she came round a lot before DS started dating her, and obviously when he was dating her, so nothing has changed in about 18 months. But DS is feeling very uncomfortable and is getting very angry and I feel really bad, I mean who wants to see their ex at their home most days? But saying that DD has trouble making friends, she only has two other friends but they are very flaky and pick and drop DD just like that. This girl has remained very loyal to DD, even when she was dating DS she would always make a big effort with DD, still spending a lot of her time with her and since they have been friends DD's confidence has gone way up, the girl is very good for her and she has not done anything wrong. But DS is very unhappy! Arrrr what do I do???

Abbierhodes Sun 19-Jan-14 21:28:20

Ugh, sounds hideous! If they're all quite mature, could you ask your DD to see her friend elsewhere just for a bit? And maybe have set days so your DS knows to expect her and can make himself scarce?

I dated the older brother of a friend, and it did damage their relationship for a long time, I'm sorry to say. My ex was a twat though, and I'm sure your DS is lovely.

If she was your DD's friend first then I would tell him to get over it. It's not your DD's fault that they got together and broke up, she shouldn't have to lose a loyal friend because of it.

Wibblypiglikesbananas Sun 19-Jan-14 21:30:43

Agree with Schro.

foslady Sun 19-Jan-14 21:30:50

I'd tell ds to suck it up - if he never thought this was a potential outcome then he was fooling himself at the beginning! Tell him to go into another room if it's that hard for him, after all it's him that's relationship has changed, why should anyone else suffer?

JackNoneReacher Sun 19-Jan-14 21:31:15

Surely ds isn't suggesting his sister isn't allowed her friend around?

He needs to get over it.

She probably wont be his last 'ex'. Quite often they don't just disappear. Perhaps it will be a good lesson for him in choosing who he goes out with.

FlatsInDagenham Sun 19-Jan-14 21:31:58

I can understand your DS feeling uncomfortable but really he will have to put up and shut up. Their break up was mutual, so he is presumably ok about that. He can't have a say about who his sister is friends with. You need to speak to him I think.

whitepuddingsupper Sun 19-Jan-14 21:32:09

I agree with Schro, it's not fair to your DD or her friend to make the girl unwelcome in your home when she is a long term friend of DD's, your DS will have to deal with it.

coco44 Sun 19-Jan-14 21:32:28

I am surprised she still wants to meet up with your DD at yours so often, rather than going to her house.Is she really over him do you think?

BuggerLumpsAnnoyed Sun 19-Jan-14 21:35:20

I think your DS should just get on with it. He chose to start seeing one of his sisters few close friends. She shouldn't have to sacrifise the friendship because he is a bit uncomfortable. No one made him start seeing her and the girl sounds lovely

Dyrne Sun 19-Jan-14 21:37:36

I'm not sure if this is helpful but thought i'd chip in as someone who's been in your DD's position. Over the years my brother has dated/slept with and then broken the hearts of three of my close friends. I've had to work bloody hard to keep my friendships with the girls, but it's never been the same and I sometimes resent my brother for putting me in such an awkward position.

Your DS is 19, old enough that before he started the relationship he should have considered that his (ex-)girlfriend was your DD's friend first and foremost. I understand that he's upset but IMO it would be grossly unfair of him to expect their friendship to end. Especially if he knows she finds it so hard to make/keep good friends.

I think your DD, DS and DF/exGF all need to investigate kind ways of reducing the number of times DS exGF are forced to spend time together without it effecting her and DDs friendship.

A bit of meeting elsewhere, CD going to a friend's might be wise fir a while, but honestly 19y DS have bedrooms, Xboxes, FB and YouTube.

coco44 Sun 19-Jan-14 21:40:59

Yep a bit of middle ground is called for! It is true she was your DDs friend first, but on the other hand your DS has a right to feel comfortable in his own home.

WooWooOwl Sun 19-Jan-14 21:55:39

I think your ds needs to learn that this is the risk you take when you get into a relationship with someone close to home.

If he doesn't want his ex in the house, then he shouldn't start a relationship with someone that spends time in the house.

coldwater1 Mon 20-Jan-14 05:41:18

He's 19, time to act like an adult! The girl isn't coming round to annoy him, she's coming to see her friend.

Onesiegoddess Mon 20-Jan-14 05:50:22

He needs to get over it. The girls were friends first. She was visiting the house regularly before they started dating. The girls just need to continue as before. He needs to work out how he is going to handle ex being about. Not everyone feels angry round their ex.

Onesiegoddess Mon 20-Jan-14 05:52:05

He knew what he was getting into when he started dating. He knew the girls had an established friendship and visits.

JeanSeberg Mon 20-Jan-14 06:00:38

Good life lesson here - don't shit on your own doorstep.

HoneyandRum Mon 20-Jan-14 06:11:49

Charming Jean grin

greenfolder Mon 20-Jan-14 06:44:52

I think I would point out to ds that it was probably awkward for dd when he and friend were dating but dd lived with it. Then make them sort it out. Presumably they spend most of their time out or in their rooms so it should be possible for them not to clash

ISeeYouShiverWithAntici Mon 20-Jan-14 07:11:55

He needs to get over it.

He chose to go out with a girl who was a friend of his sister.

why the hell should your daughter lose a mate every time your son decides to boff one?

if he is uncomfortable, then he should be the one to make himself scarce.

Mumoftwoyoungkids Mon 20-Jan-14 07:50:30

I'm with schro.

And I have sort of been your ds.

In February of first year university we arranged second year rooms and I arranged to live next door to a (male) friend. In March we started going out. The following Feb we split up so I had 4 more months of living next door to him.

Not ideal but we all had to cope.

SuzanneUK Mon 20-Jan-14 08:19:19

When going into any relationship, you need to ask yourself if anything especially unpleasant is likely to happen when you break up.

Your DS should have foreseen the current situation as it was blindingly predictable at the outset.

He's made his bed and now he has to lie in it (as they say).

diddl Mon 20-Jan-14 08:30:35

Surely it's easy to let him know when she's coming round so that he can make himself scarce?

As other's have said, she was the friend before the girlfriend!

pinkyredrose Mon 20-Jan-14 08:44:01

Your DS needs to grow up. What did he think was going to happen after they split up? That the girl wouldn't be friends with your DD anymore?

What if your DD started going out with one of his friends anx then split up, would he ban his friend from the house?

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