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to consider having a baby with my gay best friend?

(81 Posts)
confuzzledanddazzled Sun 19-Jan-14 00:21:10

This is a name-change, for obvious reasons!

Context: I have a funny relationship with my ex. We met 16 years ago and split up three years later, just before I found out I was pregnant with our son. It was an amicable enough split, just in different places with our lives (and age gap was a problem). But we have stayed amicable, to the extent that he has a key to my house and we are very much raising our disabled son together, as he needs us both to be consistent. He comes to our house and doesn't have our son at his, and we go on holiday together BUT we don't live together and definitely aren't together.

However, we slept together on holiday last year and it continued happening when we got back. I ended up pregnant, and didn't tell him, while I decided what to do. I was very confused about the pregnancy and only told a couple of close friends. I eventually decided to go ahead with it and had started to get excited, despite all the many reasons why it would make life difficult, and was due to tell ex over the Christmas holidays, but had a miscarriage before I did so.

I am (obviously) in a funny place after the miscarriage and have gone from thinking being pregnant was mostly difficult and complicated to wishing I still was. I had got myself in a positive place about it and to miscarry was pretty shattering.

I don't want to properly get back with my ex, and I don't know if I'm able to think about meeting someone different, for complicated reasons that I won't bore anyone with, mainly to do with my son's acceptance of new people in my life. However, I am pretty convinced now that I do want another child. I don't think my ex would want another child, and I don't intend to 'get pregnant accidentally', so I am thinking about options.

My best friend is a gay man. We used to joke about having a baby together if I didn't meet anyone by my mid-30s, but it was just jokes. He is the closest person to me apart from family, and we are very similar in many ways. When I told him I was pregnant, I could tell he was struggling with it a bit; he kept joking about how people would think it was his (which is possibly true - some people do think we're a couple) and I really wanted him to have a role in it all. He looked after my son for me when I went to hospital and has been really supportive with it all.

He's a really amazing man who I love (not in that way, but that's a good thing in terms of stability) and would make a great father. And I think he has started to want children. I am used to sharing parenting with a man who doesn't live with me and there'd be no romantic/ sexual complications like there are with my ex.

Is this completely bonkers or is it something that could work? I know people will say I'm just reacting to the miscarriage, but in reality, I think the miscarriage has just woken me up to the fact that there's something missing in my life that I used to want. There's no going back to before the miscarriage but, even if there was, I'm not sure I'd want to as life had got very stagnant. I have a career that I love and my son has progressed massively, to the extent that I think he will be an independent adult, but I have got so used to living life around work and my son that I feel I have forgotten to think about what I want.

And I want another child, and don't have much time left. So, AIBU to
be even considering this?

confuzzledanddazzled Fri 31-Jan-14 22:37:39

Counselling was suggested, but someone I know works at the place that they use, so am nervous. Also not sure how I'd fit it in. Work is hard enough and I'm behind enough as it is.

Trying a sleeping tablet tonight to see if I can have a weekend without crying, having had some sleep!

Thanks again.

confuzzledanddazzled Fri 31-Jan-14 22:39:37

Didn't finish my answer about counselling: I have a bit of a thing about hating sharing private thoughts with someone who is paid to listen but doesn't actually care. But I think talking could be good, because my friends who know are clearly starting to get bored of me being so up-and-down all the time, and I think they wish I'd stop talking about it and move on. Bloody hell, even I wish that.

Littleen Sat 01-Feb-14 00:41:39

I'd feel it would be too complicated with 2 kids with different dads - where one is around most of the time and perhaps also the other? Just in terms of arrangements and practicalities. I'd probably get a sperm donor instead smile But yes, take some time to think, and see how you feel in summer or something. 35 isn't that old!

confuzzledanddazzled Mon 03-Feb-14 22:43:33

I feel old, and very tired. I was young and (fairly) energetic with my son! Yes, the 2 dads thing would be complicated, but they get on well enough and they'd be no competition to each other. Plus, very aware that my son will be an adult in the blink of an eye and probably won't be at home for more than 5 years, so the time when ex will be around a lot will dwindle. Not that my son won't still need me and need my ex - he will - but the current arrangement won't exist soon.

Triliteral Mon 03-Feb-14 23:19:54

I have friends who had a baby together without ever being a couple and it works very well for them, so undoubtedly it is possible.

This comment of yours worries me a bit though:

"but I have got so used to living life around work and my son that I feel I have forgotten to think about what I want."

Won't adding another child into the equation just create something else for life to revolve around, thus continuing the cycle of not being able to think about what you want?

If you are absolutely sure that another child is where you want to go, then I would say go ahead. But having had DC3 only five years after DC2, I have to say that going right back to square one and starting again was a big deal, and that was a much shorter gap. Also you already have a disabled son and you state that it is only recently that you feel that he may manage to lead an independent life, so must be aware that there is the possibility that another child might be with you for the rest of your life.

If you've considered all that, and it's still what you want, then I wish you all the best.

confuzzledanddazzled Sat 08-Feb-14 23:51:27

I feel that another child is what I want. I do think the massive age gap would be 'interesting'...I think I have forgotten lots of what it was like!

But I am also aware that my head is not in its usual state at the moment.

My boss and some friends at work think I need some time off. I am getting so little sleep and am emotionally up and down. Boss has managed to arrange some counselling, starting next week, as GP recommendation would have been months of waiting. I was against it but figure I have nothing to lose. I want some normality back.

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