To expect STEPSON to go to his mum's every other weekend?

(702 Posts)
slowcooker Fri 17-Jan-14 20:10:04

This is a rant to get it off my system because I'm fuming right now.

After a long negotiation we persuaded stepson to go to his mum's this weekend but he's not going now because apparently his room there is wet and small and blah blah blah a list long of excuses why he won't go.

When I got together with my DH, 7years ago, he had 50% custody of his 2 kids and they were with him 50% of the time. It was on a rolling rota basis to accommodate the ex's shift pattern. I would look forward to the (approx) 9 weekends a year we had without the kids! The years have gone by, both kids are teenagers now they are more independent, the eldest lives with the EX full time and the stepson with us full time (for the past 9 months). In the meantime we have our almost 3 year old DD. And I'm stuck in a battle to secure sometime for DH and me as a couple!

Things are rather bad between us. If having a child changes the dynamics in a relationship imagine having a child in a blended family!

That together with work pressures (I have been working full time since DD was 11 months) and general stresses are not helping my mental well being. I feel I've hit rock bottom recently. I had some other issues at work and resigned in December.
We've been so busy with an extension and this and that, that we've not even been able to relax and sit and watch telly for months on end until the NEW year. And even now it seems like we're passing ships all the time.

I don't have family around here and DH has a sister who is lovely and helpful but she's only ever babysat for us once in the last 3 years and I don't want to impose on her as she helped a lot with my DH's other 2 kids when they were little.

At the moment whilst my DD is little the only solution to some quality time for us is to be in the house just the 2 of us (in the evenings I mean after little one has gone to bed) as we don't get to see each other as a couple any more. In any case we were never the going out type (just cinema really) but rather we would go on days out, bike excursions etc and stayed in for a nice meal and film.

I don't think this is too much to ask. I think we'll end up separating ourselves if we don't get some quality time together on a regular basis!

I feel resentful towards my stepson and his mum (for not providing him with a decent room) and my DH for not putting boundaries to people.

I want some space with just my DH and myself in our house! 2 evenings every 15 days is it too much to ask? 2 evenings where I don't have to think what is stepson going to eat (fussy eater) and of sitting in peace to maybe watch something like a film without someone barding in.

And even when I can walk around naked if I fell like it for goodness sake..

Not in a good place at all!

Bahhhhhumbug Thu 23-Jan-14 17:22:30

No , BeverlyMoss if you knew him/what he did , you would say poor me sad grin .

Agree about people getting on better when they live apart who might have been tearing each other to shreds when under same roof.

I wouldn't have thrown you out/asked you to leave/ with a one yr old baby needaholiday I would have said leave nice cuddly baby with me grin . Only joking and that was bad seeing as you were obviously not intending to stay any longer than necessary and wanted to find your own place etc and behaved considerately. I guess folks are just funny about their little space sometimes hmm but then fine when people are outside it.

Ragusa Tue 21-Jan-14 22:26:05

I still think you're directing your anger at the wrong person/ people, but I hope you get some help and support for your issues: it sounds like there's far more going on here than just difficult step-child/ partner's ex- issues.

TheRealAmandaClarke Tue 21-Jan-14 18:16:30

Sorry. I meant to say "somewhere he feels unhappy to go" rather than happy to go
Obviously.

needaholidaynow Tue 21-Jan-14 18:15:13

Definitely! My brother is 8 years older than me and used to wind me up when we lived together! I was the little sister who he just loved to pick on. Grrrr.

TheRealAmandaClarke Tue 21-Jan-14 18:13:58

Thanks for updating OP.
I haven't changed my view that I can sympathise with the idea that it's nice to have some time alone as a couple.
But I do feel for the 15 yo boy. He seems to be seen as a burden to each household.
I agree that you've received some unkind rremarks that we're a bit personal.
But overall, I think YAbu to expect your stepson to go to his mother's every other weekend. He doesn't want to. He appears, from what you say, to not feel welcome there. He lives with his father and you and his half sister. Your house is also his home.
To expect him to go somewhere he feels happy to go to every other weekend so that you and your DH can have "cuddle time" or walk around naked is unreasonable and detrimental to his well being.

BeverlyMoss Tue 21-Jan-14 17:58:32

That's very true of a lot of families isn't it? I didn't get along with my sister at all until she left home, and I got her bedroom grin

needaholidaynow Tue 21-Jan-14 17:54:52

But she's actually a lovely woman when we come round for the day. smile

I get on with them when we aren't living together!

needaholidaynow Tue 21-Jan-14 17:50:08

You know what, at 22 I was living with my dad and his partner with my DP and DS1 before we moved in to the house we are in now.

My Dad's partner wasn't happy about us all being there all the time and wanted us to go out when we had nowhere to go with a 1 year old. I felt very uncomfortable and it caused so many arguments between me and my dad. I felt like we were all an inconvenience.

Still to this day I don't agree with the way they were with us. We had no jobs, no money and nowhere to go. But unlike your SS Humbug we weren't a nightmare. We kept scarce and helped out when needed. We would all stay upstairs. Every situation is different and I can sympathise with both sides. I had a 1 year old she would have happily seen turfed out for the day in all weathers, which is slightly different to a 16 year old going to see his mum.

BeverlyMoss Tue 21-Jan-14 17:48:39

okay, okay Alifelivedforwards

most people demonise stepmothers, but not Alifelivedforwards , she doesn't

wink

BeverlyMoss Tue 21-Jan-14 17:45:08

oh god why did i put a hmm face?

That was supposed to be a wink

BeverlyMoss Tue 21-Jan-14 17:44:11

You wanted to throw your SS out at 23?

I bet he knew you didn't want him there all the time and hung about just to annoy you.

Poor kid.

[sad face]

hmm

Alifelivedforwards Tue 21-Jan-14 17:29:16

Arrrggggh - still with the 'everyone demonises stepmothers'?????

You really don't actually read or hear what people are saying do you needa holiday and Things?

<head/desk>

Bahhhhhumbug Tue 21-Jan-14 17:27:36

Absolutely needahol I wanted to throw my nightmare SS out at 23 and got ripped to bits on here. No-one asked what he had done btw - he could've tried to murder me for all they knew ! Only got some support on steparenting board , even some of them were asking whether l had the right to throw him out before asking what he'd done hmm

needaholidaynow Tue 21-Jan-14 17:16:10

Like to see a stepmum come on here and say she'd done same - there'd be murder on here

I'd like to see that as well. I'd like to see a mum post on here who was at the end of her tether and see the difference in replies she gets than if she was a stepmum.

Bahhhhhumbug Tue 21-Jan-14 17:00:21

I am not projecting or adding things. As the OP states she 'd had enough of SS always living/staying at her house with no reprieve from him going staying at his mums (in so many words) then we can safely assume that she does all the usual domestic stuff for him , cooking , washing, cleaning etc. That's what happens in general when a teenager lives with you full time. Also when a teenager lives with you in general you do get all the 'teenage stuff' / behaviour / moodiness / whatever to deal with. As for the mum thinking her the boys dad will be doing all the caring for her son and the lady of the house is doing none of it ,I doubt it. She would have to be very naïve to think her teenage sons full time presence in the OPs house is not going to incur some extra work or effort for her.
I stand by my remarks about the boys mother aswell - not projecting there either. The OPs update has only confirmed to me that the mother is the main culprit here in that she has not provided her son with a welcoming dry room to sleep in and now we are told that when he complains about it she threw him out at 15 years old. Nice !
Like to see a stepmum come on here and say she'd done same - there'd be murder on here.

ThingsThatGoBumpInTheNight Tue 21-Jan-14 17:00:12

Hi op glad you found some valid and interesting, supportive, constructive, or helpful posts here.
The others I wouldn't give a shiny shite about unless you choose to smile

CuriosityCola Tue 21-Jan-14 16:55:24

Glad you came back op. How are you feeling about everything now? I think we all get days where we are desperate for a break and need to rant.

Have you managed to have a good chat with your dh?

In a perfect world your step son would spend time with his mum, but it does sound like quite a toxic environment for him. Does he ever stay at friends houses? I'm guessing you don't have family on either side that will take both children to give you a break? Is your house big enough to create a sanctuary in your room.

Something I have found helpful is to get some me time. Dh and I both take turns to go out once a month, even if it's just for a few hours. Gives him quality time with the kids and me some space. We have also found a tv series we both like and make a point of cuddling up to watch it in our room, while kids are asleep.

anothernumberone Tue 21-Jan-14 16:23:59

Well OP I am not hiding behind my username to throw vitriol about. I share things on Mumsnet that I would rather not make completely public but believe me if you had expressed the sentiments in your OP to me in person I would have told you how outrageous they were. I stand by the fact that I think your post was awful. As for people having a dark heart no actually they disagree with your sentiments in the OP.

Alifelivedforwards Tue 21-Jan-14 14:16:06

Hi OP

There have been some vicious comments aimed at you - but only a few to be fair.

Most people who took umbrage at your post were simply pointing out that your dp is a dad 100% of the time, not just the time his son is with him (or you would like the son to be with you). And also that if you get together with a man with kids then you would be wise to remember they grow older and that cirumstances can and do change - it's very common for older kids to want to swap their main residence for lots of reasons.

It felt to me that you resented this boy and that you are rather demonising his mother - 'she let her daughter's boyfriend move in at 16.5' etc. But I guess we have to take your word for it when you describe her behaviour.

As for coming on here to vent - of course you blooming can and should! I hope it made you feel better, despite the crazy amount of crazy posts!

dozeydoris Tue 21-Jan-14 10:20:24

Great to read that Slowcooker, you clarified some points for those with a vendetta, and great that the DSCs have you around.

BruthasTortoise Tue 21-Jan-14 09:46:17

Well done for coming back to this thread slowcooker after the flaming. You sound more positive which is great - all the best smile

slowcooker Tue 21-Jan-14 09:23:01

I had a rant and I feel better for it!

I received a lot of nice comments and some suggestions for 'us' time for which I'm thankful and for the positive people's sake here is an outline of the situation.

The stepdaughter is living with ex full time because the ex has allowed the stepdaughter's boyfriend to move in when she was about 16 and half years old. The stepdaughter and her boyfriend cook for themselves and basically are self sufficient now; she's just turned 18 and he is almost 20. They both come for meals and to see our DD and play with her.

Both step-kids love DD to bits and she's crazy about them as well.

My stepson (who is going to be 16 in a few months) was kicked out by the ex last April for moaning about the size of his room and generally for getting on ex's nerves. He visits her after school sometimes.

His room there is damp because she keeps piling various stuff in there basically using it as a storage room.

The ex goes to her boyfriend's house for a break as and when she fancies ( maybe that's why she kicked stepson out?).

We don't claim the child benefit for him, never have, so maybe I should suggest that to DH and use that money wisely.

I'm a step mom and just because I'm not a saint and I don't love my stepkids unconditionally it doesn't mean I'm the villain!

I feel I have the right to moan about them and that doesn't make me a evil.

We are all entitled to an opinion; but some of you are hiding behind a pseudonym to throw vitriol around and that shows how dark your hearts are.

fcukkedup Mon 20-Jan-14 22:44:55

tamerb having raised 3 teens I can assure you I would not leave a reluctant teen in charge of a dog never mind a small child

you have to think of the smaller one and how well they would be looked after

coco44 Mon 20-Jan-14 22:37:18

what do you think you are doing then appletarts?

TheRealAmandaClarke Mon 20-Jan-14 21:44:28

appletarts I wasn't aware you had the authority to determine what ppl could post about.
And your criticism of ppl still posting is a bit lost as you yourself are still posting.

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