To expect STEPSON to go to his mum's every other weekend?

(702 Posts)
slowcooker Fri 17-Jan-14 20:10:04

This is a rant to get it off my system because I'm fuming right now.

After a long negotiation we persuaded stepson to go to his mum's this weekend but he's not going now because apparently his room there is wet and small and blah blah blah a list long of excuses why he won't go.

When I got together with my DH, 7years ago, he had 50% custody of his 2 kids and they were with him 50% of the time. It was on a rolling rota basis to accommodate the ex's shift pattern. I would look forward to the (approx) 9 weekends a year we had without the kids! The years have gone by, both kids are teenagers now they are more independent, the eldest lives with the EX full time and the stepson with us full time (for the past 9 months). In the meantime we have our almost 3 year old DD. And I'm stuck in a battle to secure sometime for DH and me as a couple!

Things are rather bad between us. If having a child changes the dynamics in a relationship imagine having a child in a blended family!

That together with work pressures (I have been working full time since DD was 11 months) and general stresses are not helping my mental well being. I feel I've hit rock bottom recently. I had some other issues at work and resigned in December.
We've been so busy with an extension and this and that, that we've not even been able to relax and sit and watch telly for months on end until the NEW year. And even now it seems like we're passing ships all the time.

I don't have family around here and DH has a sister who is lovely and helpful but she's only ever babysat for us once in the last 3 years and I don't want to impose on her as she helped a lot with my DH's other 2 kids when they were little.

At the moment whilst my DD is little the only solution to some quality time for us is to be in the house just the 2 of us (in the evenings I mean after little one has gone to bed) as we don't get to see each other as a couple any more. In any case we were never the going out type (just cinema really) but rather we would go on days out, bike excursions etc and stayed in for a nice meal and film.

I don't think this is too much to ask. I think we'll end up separating ourselves if we don't get some quality time together on a regular basis!

I feel resentful towards my stepson and his mum (for not providing him with a decent room) and my DH for not putting boundaries to people.

I want some space with just my DH and myself in our house! 2 evenings every 15 days is it too much to ask? 2 evenings where I don't have to think what is stepson going to eat (fussy eater) and of sitting in peace to maybe watch something like a film without someone barding in.

And even when I can walk around naked if I fell like it for goodness sake..

Not in a good place at all!

WooWooOwl Fri 17-Jan-14 20:31:17

But your step so is still a dependant!

You sound horrible and selfish, even though I can well understand you feeling the need for some couple time, you are going about trying to get it in a very wrong way.

If my DH ever spoke like that about my children, his step sons who also have two homes, he'd be getting a letter from a divorce solicitor.

Beamur Fri 17-Jan-14 20:32:10

Actually YANBU in my opinion. It's not too much to ask as a step parent to want some time without your SC's around. I'm very fond of mine, but also enjoy the time they're at their Mums.
What's going on with Mum and DSS? There's more to this surely?

NewtRipley Fri 17-Jan-14 20:33:05

As someone said. This is family life. Most of us have to get babysitters to get time alone.

I see you are fed up but the stepson is not the cause of this.

Thetallesttower Fri 17-Jan-14 20:33:08

I can see that if you are used to weekends to yourself (or with toddler in bed) you are missing them, but really, think about it, when you have your teen children they are there all the time!

I think you are blaming the step-son for not having alone time, but I doubt this is what is underlying your difficulties.

Me and my husband regularly just climb into bed and watch a movie together at 8.30pm whether the children are in bed or not, sometimes I think they go to bed later than us on weekends, but as long as they give us a bit of space, I don't mind.

It is a complement to you that your step-son feels at home and doesn't want to go elsewhere.

I get that you are just venting, and are having a hard time, but I don't think that getting your step-son out of the house is the solution to this otherwise all of us who have teens around every evening would have no marriage and that's clearly not the case.

SamU2 Fri 17-Jan-14 20:33:48

I wonder who I can ship my kids out to so I can have quality time with my DH once a fortnight over night?

We all want time alone with our partners or just ourselves. Welcome to parenthood. I have to try to arrange a babysitter if I want some time alone, I don't make them leave the house for two days.

BettyBotter Fri 17-Jan-14 20:34:25

Does your dss get any 'quality' time with his df without you there?

NatashaBee Fri 17-Jan-14 20:34:39

I understand all the difficulties around being a step-parent, but I feel very sorry for your stepson not feeling welcome in his home. Have you dug into why he doesn't want to go to his mothers? if there's no real reason for him not to go then his dad should be encouraging him rather than just accepting he's not going. Does his mother not mind that he won't be coming this weekend? Can he take some games/a console with him? Or you could just tell him you're having a naked weekend... that will probably get him to leave pretty quickly!

Thatisall Fri 17-Jan-14 20:35:23

OP I was just thinking, if step son was your biological son, there wouldn't be another home to send him to. Then who would you blame your problems on?

kilmuir Fri 17-Jan-14 20:36:04

Poor boy

HermioneWeasley Fri 17-Jan-14 20:36:07

I feel sorry for your DSs. He lives with his father - it's his home. Would you be happy to go to a small damp room every other weekend so he can have quality time with his dad?

NewtRipley Fri 17-Jan-14 20:36:25

And, really, you have your own child. How exactly did you expect to get 9 weekends a year alone ?

Beamur Fri 17-Jan-14 20:36:26

Being a step-parent is not the same as parenting your own kids.

humha Fri 17-Jan-14 20:37:38

You actually say yourself I feel resentful towards my stepson and his mum (for not providing him with a decent room) and my DH for not putting boundaries to people.

You give a reason for resenting your DH's ex wife. And a questionable reason for resenting your DH. What is your reason for resenting your step-son? Merely the fact that he exists?

I bet you behaved in an exemplary way towards your step children when you first got together with your DH. You've now decided they are an inconvenience and have set about getting this message across to at least one of them, loud and clear. Very sad for your stepson and deeply unpleasant of you.

Fairylea Fri 17-Jan-14 20:37:56

I think you need to completely change your view on this... If your ss was your own child you would expect them to go to bed at a reasonable time (how old is he?) .. not necessarily to sleep but to read / watch his own tv if you allow him one or earphones for a smartphone or whatever, age dependent. It is perfectly fine to ask him to go to his room at say 9 pm for a younger teen or 10/10.30 for an older teen.

This is how most families blended or not make time for their parental relationship.

What is not nice is the feeling that you just don't want him there at all. He is part of your family. You wouldn't just expect your dd to piss off so you could have some time with your dh.

We have no family help and no babysitters either and I wouldn't be happy leaving the dc with a paid one so we haven't had a night out or without dc in about 19 months since dc 2 arrived. It sucks a bit but we know it's not forever. It's what family life is.

NewtRipley Fri 17-Jan-14 20:38:05

The "only solution" is to get a babysitter. Is there a reason why you can't get a babysitter 9if you don't trust DSS to do it?

Cluffyflump Fri 17-Jan-14 20:38:45

What do you think people do with their non-step, teen Dc?

Are you going to send your Dd somewhere once she hits 13?

Magix Fri 17-Jan-14 20:38:48

YABU . How would you feel if the situation were reversed and your dd was a teenager and her stepfather wanted to get rid if her a few nights a month ?

BaileysOnRocks Fri 17-Jan-14 20:39:08

YABU and not very nice.
When I was a teenager my stepdad made me feel unwelcome and said we had to go to my dads every weekend, even when we didn't want to. I wanted to stay at home with my mum.

He is your family, think about how he feels. If he wants to stay with his dad he has every right to. It is his home and you are making him feel unwelcome.

Back2Basics Fri 17-Jan-14 20:39:32

OP try posting on the step parenting bit.

It's really helpful.

Step parenting is not the same as being a parent, and we all need a break.

WaitMonkey Fri 17-Jan-14 20:39:35

Repost this in step parenting.

TheNightIsDark Fri 17-Jan-14 20:39:40

Can your DH not ship you out somewhere at weekends?

You sound horrific and you're really doing nothing to stop the idea that all stepmothers are bitches. You knew what you were getting into.

NewtRipley Fri 17-Jan-14 20:39:48

Beamur

I can imagine. But I can imagine how it might be even more important to provide a secure welcoming environment for your stepchildren - who, presumably, never asked to be stepchildren

Fairylea Fri 17-Jan-14 20:43:06

I don't think the op should repost in step parents. There are lots of blended families on mumsnet who work brilliantly and never post in the step parents forum as we'd have no issues to post about. Maybe it's a more balanced view here rather than those who already have issues with step parenting.

Beamur Fri 17-Jan-14 20:43:50

Which I have been doing for the last 10 years. OP do repost in the step parenting forum.

Bloodyteenagers Fri 17-Jan-14 20:44:03

What about in a few years time when the little one is older, you going to try and force him out of his home so you can have some quality time?

FFs, what you do is ...

YOU grow up and realise the world doesn't revolve around you.

You accept that there are other people in household and you make adjustments.

How the fuck do you think that parents in general have quality time together? You think they fling their kids out? Don't be so daft. No they work with what they have. Quality time doesn't have to keep you in the living room.

The difficulties you are having are not because of the children. they are because you are not thinking outside the box. You are thinking, right send kid to bed have quality time in the living room. Like this is the only room in the house. Kitchen? Your bedroom? Any of these rooms ringing a bell?

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