to think this is odd and am right to be, shall we say, intrigued...

(86 Posts)
thegirliesmam Tue 14-Jan-14 18:24:23

my OH for want of a better word has been an utter cock. in his treatment of me and our relationship for 2.5 years of its 4 year run. he got busted. but after a period of what could only be seen as punishment, but necessary venting may be another way of putting it, I did the pro's and con's list and realised I am a stronger woman than I gave myself credit for and we gave it another go. this all happened 1.5 years ago. as a result his facebook account was in my sole possession. no one had access but me. in a stupid row to wind me up he set another one up. added only people we knew (3 of them anyway) and left it alone. no profile pic, no info. an act of defiance from his inner grounded child.

fast forward last week, I made a fb comment on a friends wall, to which this unused account was used by him to comment on it. I went to look at the account, still no pic/info, a few more friends (football manager, boss) but also a woman who I don't know. set her account up in july 2013, only has him for a friend and this friendship happened in august. she lives 3 counties over but In an area he occasionally has fleeting business in (not overnight).

what are your thoughts....is my increasing poirot impression unreasonable?

AbbeyBartlet Wed 15-Jan-14 12:05:18

Tbh, I would never give control of my FB account to anyone - it does seem like a controlling thing to do. As other posters have said, trust him and stay with him or split if you can't trust him. None of this sounds good for any of you.

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe Wed 15-Jan-14 11:30:37

Agree with Fetchez and Wilson.

Saying that you keep the relationship because of the children is a bit of a misnomer, OP. You say he's an excellent dad... well he can carry on being that, can't he, whether he's with you or not? He seems to like his children well enough but sorry to say it, he doesn't like you from what you've posted.

You have utter contempt for him - and you may be very justified in that - but staying with somebody who treats you like this doesn't make you a strong woman. You're giving a horrid message to your children who will pick up on his behaviour - and yours - and model their own on both of you.

I don't think anybody here has said that you should put up with this behaviour but I think there are several posters here who think you're making a fool of yourself trying to control Facebook. Trust your husband, or leave him, but not this, for your childrens' sakes.

nevereasy Wed 15-Jan-14 11:21:34

if op is still following I would personally use Wilsons post as an honest, hard to hear answer. one I would deliver aswell. good luck.

nevereasy Wed 15-Jan-14 11:17:10

as I said previously that relationships might have had a softer approach but at the same time, just because it is in aibu does that mean you can turn bitchy and nothing short of vile and it have to be accepted. just food for thought. I hope no one has to go through what op has gone through and if they do I hope the can attain some better help from wherever they go to get it.

and I am not a 'hun' person or 'xx' before I get labelled as one of 'them' smile just have trouble believing in a sisterhood as it is and then these things happen and I just think if you believe something is going to enstill a negative reaction from you, atleast deliver it decently.

WilsonFrickett Wed 15-Jan-14 11:16:40

If the friend at my kitchen table was as PA and stroppy as the OP's posts have been I would have answered her in exactly the same way as I posted. Can't speak for anyone else though.

harriet247 Wed 15-Jan-14 11:13:00

Ohhhh ffs ltb

nevereasy Wed 15-Jan-14 11:12:16

and shall we follow the advice of fluffy and say if our friend was sat at our kitchen table and said:

"basically this has happened and this new thing has come up, what do I do?"

"go on Jeremy kyle!" or "stay away from his rabbit you nasty bully"

would that not being a step away from adding ..."I see why he did it."

come on we are better than this!!

fluffyraggies Wed 15-Jan-14 11:09:33

nevereasy - i agree with you. But this is AIBU, not Relationships. Which is not known for it's gentle atmos!

I think OPs thread should be moved.

nevereasy Wed 15-Jan-14 11:01:16

Am I the only person who has seen a woman on here, obviously in a very vulnerable position, asking for some help and advice and is potentially being defensive owing to the flippancy and amount of unhelpful, slightly attacking, posts in reply?

honest, opinions that may be hard to hear are one thing; but is the best people can come up with, following a request for help and advice, to make comments referring to being a bully, going on Jeremy kyle and pet bunnies?! does the adage of "if you cant say anything nice...." not apply to mn?

I see a woman in an awful position. complicated to the extent that comments to 'just leave' are neither use nor ornament and women essentially mocking a person who has turned to strangers for some level of support. Just ask, is all that can really be said to the op. it is quite simple but then again op probably knew that. but she has sat on this info for a week and not flown in to a controlling rage or demanded and explanation and to rifle through phones. She has come on here wanting someone to say, "its ok, ask and you will find out" and maybe finish with "but know what you are going to do if you don't get the answer you want".

how many women have been on here in these situations and the next thread is "so I left him...." but then do the unhelpful bunch then stay silent and leave a girl stranded, take credit for the life changing decision or then offer support. But is she meant to go through the hard part alone, the actual leaving part. At times I think we give that evil Hopkins woman something to talk about.

Women turning to online support because she already has minimal in real life and then finds a gang waiting to offer none there. I have help from this forum but I can now see the other side following this post.

TalkieToaster Wed 15-Jan-14 10:39:05

Why did you bother posting if you don't want other people's opinions?

fluffyraggies Wed 15-Jan-14 10:36:05

OP.
This is the info you have given us:

You've been with this man for 4 years. In this time he has managed:

''20 plus 'attempts' to cheat, 1 sustained affair ... a drug habit from over 10 years ago resurfacing, finishing work at 19:30 and returning home at 05:00 the next day (... more appealing than his child and pregnant gf ...) and ... a potential father of the local whores child.''

Then you tell us how wonderful he is ''now''.

You say you have had 3 babies with him.

You don't trust him and are watching him like a hawk to stay sane. Now you are suspicious of him again, but don't feel justified in bringing the subject up with him.

What would you advise a friend who told you the above OP? Honestly, honestly? Sometimes it's a helpful exercise to step back and imagine having to advise a friend.

BeverleyMoss Wed 15-Jan-14 10:23:40

Wait, he has been an utter cock for 2.5 years of your 4 years together?

And during the 4 years and the miserable 2.5 years of it you gave had three children, and you think he's a wonderful father and partner?

No he really, really isn't.

squeakytoy Wed 15-Jan-14 10:16:12

OP, your posts have to be the most passive aggressive I have ever seen on here. If this is how you speak to others in the real world then life must be very tiring.. For all concerned.

MBT1987 Wed 15-Jan-14 09:47:04

I don't know about anyone else, but I'm really worried about his pet bunny.

nevereasy Wed 15-Jan-14 08:48:42

I must say I am with op with regards to asking about an incident, not her life based on what we see as a small shred (all be it not a very nice one) of her life. children complicate life, we all know that. flippant comments to leave are easier to type than do. maybe the relationship forum would have garnered more support, aibu is full of opinions, be them helpful or otherwise.

JourneyToThePlacentaOfTheEarth Wed 15-Jan-14 07:08:12

It must be so tiring being on high alert all the time op. I've been where you are and the relief you feel when you stop caring what they do is awesome. Let him go.

Greythorne Wed 15-Jan-14 06:58:36

You love him but describe him as a cock and know he has had multiple sexual experiences outside your relationship. He sleeps with prostitutes. He lies to you about FB. He is deceitful and unfaithful by your own admission.

You do know that trying to control him and his FB is never going to work, don't you?

If you are happy with him, stay.

Hissy Wed 15-Jan-14 06:38:14

Good god, this relationship sounds awful! You sounds so sad/angry.

Understandably.

Please don't put up with living like this. Marriage isn't supposed to be like this.

LineRunner Wed 15-Jan-14 05:29:15

Yes, I would ask him.

InfiniteJest Wed 15-Jan-14 05:12:49

Commenting purely on your OP, yes, it does seem weird. Yes, I would be asking him about it if I were you.

As to whether you should trust his answer or his actions, and whether your relationship is a good one... well, you didn't ask about that so I won't comment.

Good luck, OP.

msvenus Wed 15-Jan-14 02:15:37

What a healthy and positive lesson you are giving your dc on relationships.

Break the cycle and give all of you a positive start in 2014 by ending the relationship unless you are addicted to the drama.

I will issue my first ltb.

lookatmybutt Tue 14-Jan-14 23:40:55

Here, OP, have a biscuit:

[A biscuit]

OH WAIT, YOU TOOK IT ALREADY.

TheWitTank Tue 14-Jan-14 23:39:33

Okay then, well carry on your fucked up Facebook games and paranoia, it sounds wonderful. I don't really know what you wanted to hear? Good luck!

intheround Tue 14-Jan-14 22:54:21

Umm regardless of what a great father he is to your children, they will be picking up on every aspect of what is wrong with the relationship between you and your OH. Not the verbal stuff mind, it's all the non- verbal things. No matter how much you try to hide it, you can't.
And it will affect them. For life.

bellasuewow Tue 14-Jan-14 22:52:33

Op are you not better than this this sounds miserable have you thought about leaving?

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