to think this is odd and am right to be, shall we say, intrigued...

(86 Posts)
thegirliesmam Tue 14-Jan-14 18:24:23

my OH for want of a better word has been an utter cock. in his treatment of me and our relationship for 2.5 years of its 4 year run. he got busted. but after a period of what could only be seen as punishment, but necessary venting may be another way of putting it, I did the pro's and con's list and realised I am a stronger woman than I gave myself credit for and we gave it another go. this all happened 1.5 years ago. as a result his facebook account was in my sole possession. no one had access but me. in a stupid row to wind me up he set another one up. added only people we knew (3 of them anyway) and left it alone. no profile pic, no info. an act of defiance from his inner grounded child.

fast forward last week, I made a fb comment on a friends wall, to which this unused account was used by him to comment on it. I went to look at the account, still no pic/info, a few more friends (football manager, boss) but also a woman who I don't know. set her account up in july 2013, only has him for a friend and this friendship happened in august. she lives 3 counties over but In an area he occasionally has fleeting business in (not overnight).

what are your thoughts....is my increasing poirot impression unreasonable?

Twinkletron Tue 14-Jan-14 18:26:16

Hmmmmm very dodgy!!!

raffle Tue 14-Jan-14 18:27:33

I'm not on FB, and don't fully understand it, but what is the point of you being in control of his FB account?

earlyriser Tue 14-Jan-14 18:29:45

He is winding you up or having an affair.

Hercy Tue 14-Jan-14 18:30:17

You either forgive someone and try to move on or you don't forgive them and end it.

You can't control him like this forever, and your relationship has no future if you try to.

SharpLily Tue 14-Jan-14 18:31:38

I think it's time to stop running your relationship through Facebook hmm.

Hercy Tue 14-Jan-14 18:32:08

Oh, and as to the addition of this facebook friend, if I was putting a bet on it, I would wager that the woman is a fake account he's set up to wind you up (probably to point out the ridiculousness of you having sole conduct of his proper account).

thegirliesmam Tue 14-Jan-14 18:33:06

I took control over the first account he had as, having been through his phone realised that his fb account would be riddled with the extent of his cockish behaviour. I demanded the password, found out his pleads of innocence were bull and changed the password and closed the account down. if he tried to re enter it an alert would be sent to my email. it was basically his little black book. at the time in all of the anger it made sense, as he never really used the account for general friend to friend contact, his use for it following that was redundant.

misty75 Tue 14-Jan-14 18:33:32

Please can you tell us more about his previous cockish behaviour? Because so far you're giving the impression of being quite controlling and belittling of your OH, and more context might help people understand and sympathise with your position.

ConnectFourChamp Tue 14-Jan-14 18:34:35

Sounds unhealthy. Life might be better if you just leave him.

"utter cock"
"punishment"
"inner grounded child"

I think you equate having control over the Facebook account of someone you despise with being a strong woman, OP.

misty75 Tue 14-Jan-14 18:36:54

Sorry, x-posted with most, but agree with Hercy and C4C.

Shakirasma Tue 14-Jan-14 18:40:09

Whatever is or isn't going on, the fact is that you and he are in a very unhealthy relationship.

thegirliesmam Tue 14-Jan-14 18:43:20

I don't run my relationship through facebook. I use it as a medioum to keep in contact with friends over 200 miles away and abroad. the comment was made between me and my friend. he joined in on an account he said he didn't use and until last week every aspect of his behaviour has been one where a horrendous household was turned in to a happy one, no sleeping with phone almost stapled to hand, no password for phone I don't know, can use phone for phone call for example without being hovered over and timed.

I have no control over this account, as in no access nor have I felt the need to ask for it, as I was lead to believe it was unused and how our relationship has been had no need to doubt that. but for someone with a a bit of form in the truthbending department but new glowing reports on the relationship front, I was just canvassing opinion.

I have moved on from what happened (to the extent any woman says that they can, it will still hurt me when im 80, but that's because im not made of stone, not because I hold a life rearranging grudge), hence him still being in my breathing space. but with my only confidante, my best friend....who happens to be his best mates gf, not the most useful in these situations, I wondered it was worthy of having a conversation that could end up being a coupe of steps backwards.

lollerskates Tue 14-Jan-14 18:45:16

You dislike each other intensely. Why not go your separate ways?

CoffeeTea103 Tue 14-Jan-14 18:46:33

Your relationship sounds exhausting to keep wondering what he's up to. I find that you having sole possession of his fb account controlling and more importantly unhealthy.

Silvercatowner Tue 14-Jan-14 18:46:51

I'm sorry but you sound really weird.

Toecheese Tue 14-Jan-14 18:47:04

By little black book you mean women he had affairs with?!

FFS Just split up! Why waste time with someone you don't like or trust? I never understand this sort of relationship confused

BitOutOfPractice Tue 14-Jan-14 18:51:16

It doesn't sound like a happy household to me. You sound bitter, angry and not a little neurotic OP. Really, what's the point?

TheWitTank Tue 14-Jan-14 18:51:24

Why bother? I really couldn't be with someone I had to "control" to that extent. It is not a healthy way to have a relationship. You either trust someone or you don't. If you don't and never will, it's dead and buried. It's all very teenager, Facebook (sigh) and mind games. If he has really set up another account for the sole purpose of infuriating you then you should know without asking its seriously over.

Toecheese Tue 14-Jan-14 18:51:34

If there's no trust and honesty, go your own way. It's pointless staying together

Quoteunquote Tue 14-Jan-14 18:51:52

None of this is making either of you happy, it's no way to live any life, sulking around and second guessing everything, start being really honest with yourselves about what you want, and then you can be honest with each other,

if when you compare notes on what would make you both happy, they don't compliment each other, go and do what makes you happy.

NotThemCrows Tue 14-Jan-14 18:52:36

As soon as you said you had control of his fb, I thought "he will set up a new one to use".

He can also buy and hide a new phone.

He has been unfaithful.
You cannot trust him.
He is very likely to continue to be unfaithful.

Be a strong woman for real and move on with your life. For both your sakes.

thegirliesmam Tue 14-Jan-14 18:54:03

as I said the account was immediately closed down following me seeing everything I knew would be found....a thought process along the lines of, that I needed to hit rock bottom to build myself up again, I couldn't start laying groundwork wondering if anything else was waiting to be found that could ruin anything we had worked on.

previous cockish behaviour includes the following....20 plus 'attempts' to cheat, 1 sustained affair (that was rumbled and the restarted, but before I knew about the 'attempts'), a drug habit from over 10 years ago resurfacing, finishing work at 19:30 and returning home a 05:00 the next day (drinking in the pub was very appealing, more appealing than his child and pregnant gf, then would carry on drinking/using at a mates house) and ofcourse not forgetting being thrown into the mix as a potential father of the local whores child (according to her dates he isn't...he was working away with his boss when she conceived....and she would be incapable of pinpointing a father owing to how she conducts herself)

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