Red flags for my sons to watch out for?

(71 Posts)
MellowAutumn Tue 14-Jan-14 07:23:53

I have very firm ideas to pass on to my DD about red flags to watch out for in relationships thanks to MN but have few things to tell my sons to be aware of in potential female partners. What red flags do you think women wave?

I haven't been in a romantic relationship with a woman, but these are the traits that would put me off being friends with someone:

Emotional blackmail & people who imply that you are responsible for their emotional wellbeing.
Jealousy & possessiveness: people who get upset if you spend time with other friends.
Controlling personality: people who try to influence your decisions.
Negative/critical: these people are exhausting to be around.

Hope this helps a little.

YouTheCat Tue 14-Jan-14 07:31:58

Similar ones to men. Controlling behaviour etc.

Perfectlypurple Tue 14-Jan-14 07:35:55

Same as you would advise your dd. Its not only women that are victims of domestic abuse.

BohemianGirl Tue 14-Jan-14 07:38:32

'Needy' people. They suck out your life blood. Those who cannot make a simple decision about anything and defer to another adult. It's just so bloody child like.

Also, look at he in-laws relationship - she will be a carbon copy of her mother.

Caitlin17 Tue 14-Jan-14 07:39:57

Nothing really but if I had a daughter any man whose mother tries to warn him off potential girl friends before he's even met them.

PlumpPartridge Tue 14-Jan-14 07:54:26

I agree with 3bee1gee.

PlumpPartridge Tue 14-Jan-14 07:54:39

Also

PlumpPartridge Tue 14-Jan-14 07:54:40

Also,

MellowAutumn Tue 14-Jan-14 07:55:16

Thanks Catlin - it's not about warning them off, its about making them emotionally aware in both how they treat women and friends but also how they should be treated. I personally would hesitate to judge anyone by their mothers behaviour, though would like my sons potential in-laws to be people who care about giving their children the best tools for life and relationships as its a complicated world out there.

PlumpPartridge Tue 14-Jan-14 07:56:58

Bloody tablet! Also, I think your question is a perfectly reasonable one and not deserving of snippiness (although I could be imagining it).

MellowAutumn Tue 14-Jan-14 08:05:38

Txt plump

SilverApples Tue 14-Jan-14 08:08:01

I've had this conversation several times with my DS, and much of what we have discussed has already been mentioned on this thread.
He has AS, so manipulative behaviour and mind games confuse him.
As he's an attractive 18 year old, we've had some RL experiences to talk about as well. smile

MellowAutumn Tue 14-Jan-14 08:13:15

Silver my oldest ds 15 also has add and I have noticed a lot of the girls he likes and like him are the very girly girls, which I have to say is very different to me smile So it sort of pops up in two ways, as you say he doesn't recognise mind games and I am not that clear what is 'normal' for 15 year old girly girls smile

SilverApples Tue 14-Jan-14 08:16:22

Tricky, isn't it? grin
I've always been his interpreter for human behaviour, so to talk about things that have puzzled him is a very normal activity for us. I'm not over-protective, I don't want anyone hurt or upset, including the girls in question.

needaholidaynow Tue 14-Jan-14 08:32:40

Nothing really but if I had a daughter any man whose mother tries to warn him off potential girl friends before he's even met them.

it isn't about warning them off at all. It's about making them aware of bad traits in people. If this hypothetical daughter happened to be one of those people, then whoever meets her would take a step back by their own choice.

Perfectlypurple Tue 14-Jan-14 08:35:37

whwhat snippiness?

AlwaysDancing1234 Tue 14-Jan-14 08:44:34

I think just give them the same pointers you would give anyone else starting a relationship, make sure there is mutual respect etc.
Please don't judge a girl by her parents, my mother was/is an awful emotionally and physically abusive person especially when drunk. I've lived my life striving to be the exact opposite, never smoked or drank and never ever hit my child or anyone else. Judge the person for who they are not their family which is something they can't control.

Lottapianos Tue 14-Jan-14 08:54:10

Completely agree about not judging anyone by their parents or other family member's behaviour. Like Always, I am working hard and spending a lot of money in therapy to make sure I don't behave like my emotionally abusive parents in my own relationships. Judge people on their own behaviour and their own actions

CogitoErgoSometimes Tue 14-Jan-14 08:57:14

Are you dating an abuser? is an extremely perceptive article and the points made apply to any gender whether in a same-sex or heterosexual relationship, whether romantic or platonic. People are people.

CaptainHindsight Tue 14-Jan-14 09:05:06

Brilliant article Cogito Thank you.

Caitlin17 Tue 14-Jan-14 09:17:17

needaholiday OP has identified being a "girly" girl as a "bad trait" who play "mind games" .Sounds awfully controlling and judgemental.

She'd probably hate my son's lovely and charming girl friend who is also a very girly girl.

needaholidaynow Tue 14-Jan-14 09:36:51

Girly girl or tomboy or somewhere in between, doesn't matter. Any woman can be controlling, violent, manipulative, a gold digger, wants a baby after 2 minutes, etc... It's these things that make the red flags pop up, not how they look. It's these things you need to make your sons aware of and then they go and make their own decision. Hopefully the right one.

If one of the girly girls at school happens to be a nasty piece of work then that's just coincidence.

And yes, I am aware that there are bad people who are male as well, before I get accused of being mysogynistic.

SilverApples Tue 14-Jan-14 09:42:11

I have a son and a daughter, I want them both to have relationships based on mutual respect and honesty. I'm not a girly girl, SIL is and she's a fabulous and lovely woman. So it's not about the exterior, or their interests, it's about the nature of their interactions with others.
DS knows that he is entirely responsible for any contraception that he may need to use, and that if a girl says she's on the pill and dislikes condoms, he still needs to use one, or not have sex.
The idea that someone might say one thing and mean another, or lie, is still a tricky one for him to remember.

IneedAsockamnesty Tue 14-Jan-14 09:52:57

Caitlin.

It read to me like she was just saying they were different to how she was so she was not sure what was normal behaviour or not.

Any I know exactly what she means, I know one that does lots of squealing about not possibly being able to do xyz because she's a girl (still even tho shes late 30's)I would suggest to my kids that someone like that may be quite difficult.

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