To be cross with friend for making my DS cry?

[revealall]

So it's my birthday at the end of the week. I am a single parent with DS in year 5. I have plenty of family,friends and work colleagues to celebrate with and it's not a "big" birthday.

The friend in question is a bit controlling but means well and has a DS in the year below. Before Christmas (every year) she offers to take my son out shopping so he can buy me a present. Every year I say no as my son has never brought up the subject of shopping and I would rather have the home or school offerings he brings me.

Today she asks if my DS wants a playdate with her DS. I say yes and when I pick him up there is a gift bag and lots of theatrical winking and shushing. DS later proudly says that he has a surprise for my birthday.

Cut to bedtime and after going up to clean his teeth, I find DS in bed in floods of tears. He doesn't want to tell me why. He eventually tells me that I already have the present he brought and that I don't even like it because it hasn't been used. I look in the bathroom and sure enough there is one of those 3 for 2 Boots bath sets of a brand I don't really like. Guess what...it's exactly the one the friend in question brought me for Christmas.

What do I do? I feel bad for DS as he wanted to buy me something special from him. He said the friend said I like the brand but apart from a polite "thank you" I have never said I like it (because I don't).Despite saying how nice bath stuff is to have, he isn't stupid.He knows I haven't used the first one for a reason.I'm very cross with friend for causing this situation.I have always said I don't want brought stuff from DS and then she makes him buy me the same thing she got me? Should I be cross or am I ungrateful?

[OwlinaTree]

She's trying to do a nice thing for you. I'd let it go. Couldyou suggest a few things to your ds then take him shopping and he chose something while you are with him if he wants to get you something?

[LyndaCartersBigPants]

I think you sound a bit ungrateful sorry. As a lone parent it's hard on birthdays and Christmas knowing that everyone else's DCs and dH's are buying them gifts and your best hope is to buy something yourself. Tbh, if your DS is astute enough to pick up on the fact that you don't really like a gift, he could have suggested that someone help him buy something you would like. Or if your very kind friend insists next time perhaps you could drop some hints to your DS.

For now I think you should stop being so picky about the brand of product your friend and DS have given you and think yourself lucky you have someone who cares enough to make sure you don't go present-less.

[Beamur]

Oh dear. Your friend means well, but this has gone all wrong.
You're not ungrateful, but I don't think you should punish your friend either.
Be a bit firmer next time she offers to take him shopping.

[picnicbasketcase]

I think she tried to do something nice, in a thoughtless way. If you had already said not to get anything and she did it anyway, she must think she knows best, unfortunately it has set your DS up to think he's done the wrong thing. Reassure him that it doesn't matter, that you do like the gift and will use it eventually, but that the thing you most treasure is anything he makes for you himself.

[IneedAsockamnesty]

It's not that hard, you tell him you really love it are saving it for special occasions and if he's got you one then its wonderful because you don't have to worry about running out.

Then you use it and make a big fuss about how nice it is.

Then give yourself a good talking to for not figuring that one out

[TheWitTank]

Sorry, I do think you are being a bit UR. It isn't like she has deliberately gone out to upset you DS, she has tried to be helpful, she wasn't aware you didn't like the bath products. Just reassure your DS that it really doesn't matter and that you are very happy to have such a thoughtful son. Regift the sets and let it go.

[SaucyJack]

Very annoying and stupid of her to buy the same thing twice. Her memory must be shite.

But generally speaking...... YABVU. She's trying to do something lovely for you and your son.

Most kids would want to be able to give their mum a birthday present.

[Pleasetryan0ther]

Maybe she got 3 for 2 at Xmas and this is the spare one....

[BratinghamPalace]

OP I know where you are on this. She asked a few times if she could take him out shopping for you, you said no a few times and then she did it anyway. I have a woman in life who is very high handed like this and it causes me considerable stress. Yes she is trying to do something nice but she is also ignoring your answers. She could have helped him make a cake or draw a picture or something. Which would have taken into account your considerations as well as her own desire to "do something nice". OP, (gravel comes down and a loud, booming voice says) YADNBU!

[revealall]

She does know that I get presents though. We normally all go out for a meal or a drink for my birthday and I always do well .Sale items and recycled Christmas gifts are a godsend for early January birthdays I think.

I had just given her the money for pet sitting. She does the same for me when I look after her animals

[littleredsquirrel]

I'm surprised at the responses. I think you are incredibly ungrateful. Your friend clearly thinks you like the brand since she bought you a gift she thought you'd like and then took time out of her own schedule to take your son to buy you a gift she thought you'd like

FGS. What you do is tell your DS that you were saving it for best because its your absolute favourite and you are so delighted because now you can use it all the time. The you use it. And you probably get it for the next three years too.

I got a plastic goat wrapped up from my DS2 for Christmas. He did it because he thought I'd like it. He was then told that I'd been longing for a goat and he was so kind and thoughtful.

[Bootycall]

I think your friend has tried to be nice to he honest but she sounds irritating.

reassure your ds that you like what ever he gets you and have a giggle together at the friend getting you the same present.

your ds is 10 so probably would refuse to go shopping with his mates mom next year, both lads would be far too embarrassed.

[HopeS01]

Can't you say to your DS that you like it so much that you have been saving it for a special occasion?

I don't understand why you're so angry with your friend. I feel really sorry for her, she was only trying to help!

[revealall]

I'm just upset because he is really.

It's not because it's not the right gift - it's because it's the exact same one she gave me. Why would she think my DS would want to give me the same thing I got only 3 weeks ago?

[Peekingduck]

Your friend isn't psychic Op. Also, she might actually have forgotten that she gave you that gift for Christmas, it's a busy time and for all you know she might have plundered 2 for 1 offers.

[Beamur]

Maybe she thinks you really really like that stuff!
There was a brand that my DP kept on giving me or getting presents for me from the kids - I probably made it worse for a while by seeming really pleased when I opened it...plus it 'went' really quickly (as I gave it away or charity shopped it)
In the end I had a quiet word with him and asked him not to buy it again as 'there were other brands I preferred'.

[Peekingduck]

p.s Your DS is Y5, surely you could have convinced him that the original set hasn't been used yet because you were using other stuff up first? Persuaded him that you'd realised it was a different perfume to what you'd originally thought and in fact you like it very much?

[TwoAndTwoEqualsChaos]

I

[hmc]

I feel rather sorry for your well meaning friend

[revealall]

hmc -please don't. She wasn't the one in tears with the present "you already have mummy".
She's really pleased with herself.

[fidgetsnowfly]

I'd be very irritated with the friend for interfering TBH, given that she's offered and you've said "no thanks" politely. But it seems like she thinks you like the stuff, and there's no way of telling her without telling her you hate her Christmas present - you',ll just come off badly however you phrase it, but if you don't want her taking DS to buy stuff for you, then just tell her clearly now that it was loevly of her but please don't do it again.

[Beeyump]

Your friend did not make your DS cry.

[TwoAndTwoEqualsChaos]

I understand your frustration with your friend, both for ignoring your wishes and setting your DS up to fail. It would make me cry, too. I have to say, I would try to find a way of making my DS feel great about himself, lying through my teeth. No idea how to tackle the friend, though, and it's a shame that something she probably meant well with was insufficiently thought through.