AIBU to have told my friend he is making an enormous fuck up ???

(18 Posts)
unadulterateddad Mon 13-Jan-14 21:08:21

I have a friend who last year managed to escape from from a really shitty EA ex, and with a lot of help from me and others he has managed to put his life back together again (just) and is starting to rebuild his life with his kids (he has shared custody).

A couple of months ago he met a new partner (really happy for him), but he has now turned all puppy-headed and is now moving in with her next month.

At the weekend I told him it was fucking stupid too early to get this involved, when he should be concentrating on making his own space sorted and safe for him and the kids.

other friends say that I'm being negative - AIBU??

Salmotrutta Mon 13-Jan-14 21:11:41

A couple of months is quite quick to be moving in I think?

How long ago did he separate?

Is it a "rebound" type of thing do you think?

YANBU. No idea what you can do about it though, other than tell him it is a shit idea to move a partner in so swiftly when you have children confused

WaffilyVersatile Mon 13-Jan-14 21:12:01

YABU, be supportive but he is a grown up. His life!

FreudiansSlipper Mon 13-Jan-14 21:12:18

yes and no

he has to make his own decisions, telling him he is stupid is what his ex will have done. someone who has been in an abusive relationship the last thing they need is someone else telling them what to do be it good or negative he needs to learn himself, learn to trust his own decisions and in time that may come but all you can do as a friend is support them and maybe suggest some form of therapy so he hopefully does not make the same mistakes

Salmotrutta Mon 13-Jan-14 21:12:24

Sorry - didn't mean to sound like The Spanish Inquisition... confused

unadulterateddad Mon 13-Jan-14 21:13:24

absolutely I think it's a rebound thing, but I'm happy for him to be having fun with a normal person

It's the moving in her house that concerns me as way too fast...

mrspremise Mon 13-Jan-14 21:16:35

I moved in with my DH after 4 days. We were engaged within 5 months. That was 15 years ago. Sometimes it's just right, y'know?

unadulterateddad Mon 13-Jan-14 21:20:36

Freudian, I've no problem with him
making his own mistakes, but when he's dragging his kids into the mistake, then the issues should be raised.

I've supported him pretty solidly in the 6 months since the split from his EA ex, and whilst the therapy he's had has helped him, I think he's still a way from being able to make truly rational decisions regarding his relationships with women.

unadulterateddad Mon 13-Jan-14 21:22:47

and he's always wanted me to talk straight to him

Alisvolatpropiis Mon 13-Jan-14 21:23:16

Yanbu to have concerns. It does seen rather speedy especially considering he might still be quite emotionally vulnerable.

1983mummy Mon 13-Jan-14 21:26:28

Yanbu but he is an adult. I'm in a semi similar situation and my friends are being all protective, but I'm not doing anything stupid or hurting anyone and im a grown up. Part of being a friend is like being a parent, let them learn from their own mistakes and be there to pick up the pieces.

Joysmum Mon 13-Jan-14 21:27:45

I expressed concerns about a friend's intention to propose after a huge argument caused then to briefly separate. He said it would show he he loved her, I told him you propose only when you've got the basics right, not as a tool to help get the basics right.

I was shut out from that moment on. They got married, when the next argument happened that was a sign they needed a child to pull the relationship together, then another shortly after. Then they quickly divorced. Hardly surprising. Very sad.

FreudiansSlipper Mon 13-Jan-14 21:32:37

i am not saying the issue should not be discussed but you can not take the role of telling him what he should and should not do if he is with another woman who is making the decisions you may be pushed out

suggesting it is early, what is the rush, can they not maybe take things slower gives him something to think about

telling him what he should and should not do is falling into a trap of you being someone else who makes his decisions, even if they are for the good of course you could look at why you put yourself there too ......

it is hard being a friend at times

UncleT Mon 13-Jan-14 21:44:52

Nothing wrong with voicing genuinely held concern, particularly in light of his history and your role in his recovery. However, that is valid only so long as you simultaneously voice some unconditional support. If it's just outright criticism then expect resistance. In the event that your advice is rejected then please, accept that you can’t force people's feelings and try to be there for him.

unadulterateddad Mon 13-Jan-14 21:54:23

I have always made sure that I never tell him what to do - that what his STBEX did, I just give him my opinion on what he's doing. The choice is always his. I know full well that my opinion on this is going to be ignored and that he is going to do it anyway because its all so wonderful in love.
I'm just narked off that the likelihood is that we going to have to help him pick up a whole new set of pieces in a few months time, with even more damaged kids..

Jengnr Mon 13-Jan-14 21:59:12

'This is what I think, however you are my friend and I will support you whatever you decide because I love you' = Not unreasonable

'You fucking idiot you must do this' followed by 'i told you so' = very unreasonable

FreudiansSlipper Mon 13-Jan-14 22:00:23

that is what friendship is about

and you have a friend that is the way he is, of course you could change that as in your relationship with him or you help pick up the pieces again if it all falls apart

if you don't he will find someone else that will and you still may be able to have a friendship - we all get something from our relationships

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