Hen/stag dos causing arguements all over the place!

(21 Posts)
Peanutbutternutter419 Mon 13-Jan-14 19:17:27

So mine and DH best friends are getting married later in the year. Both want to go abroad for their sending off. We have a DS 13 months old and going abroad without each other is not appealing but we're willing to go if that is what they choose.
However DH got offered a new job which he is currently awaiting negotiation of salary and benefits package. This job could potentially be the start of an amazing employed career as he is currently self employed, therefore he told friend that he could not book this week whilst still awaiting news of new job. Btw friend txt him on mon am saying that he was booking at 11am that day and DH would need to send 150 deposit (flights and sc hotel is costing £363!)
Friend has now txt DH "cant believe my best man ain't coming, i feel really let down."
DH txt back explains about potential career etc and hasn't heard anything since.

I then get txt from my friend...looking to book hen do in next week or so, will you be coming?
I txt back to say that I'll be hoping to but still recouping from DS 1st bday and xmas so money is tight for deposit etc. no txt back.

The silly thing is that it is causing arguements between me and DH as neither wants to go really and so neither wants the other to go if one of us isnt..
Oh also they are getting married some 6hr drive away so we also have to book holiday and pay out to stay away for that.
We were hoping to have a family holiday but think that is out of the question now and i cant seem to stop taking my frustration out on DH.

rpitchfo Mon 13-Jan-14 19:21:07

I just wish everyone would stop going abroad, costing me a fortune.

WorraLiberty Mon 13-Jan-14 19:22:19

Whatever happened to a nice meal or a good drink down the pub?

It's selfish to book a hen or stag do abroad and then get arsey with people who can't go.

Really I wouldn't fall out about it. Just offer to take the bride and groom out for a drink/meal when you can and if they don't like it, that's tough.

With regard to your hen do, I think you need to be clearer with your mate. Either you are going on not but your reply was vague If that's what you said !

Not sure about your oartner. Think he is right to wait. Jobs more important. !

flameprincess Mon 13-Jan-14 19:23:50

Surely if they are both being indulgent and going abroad for their do's they should accept not everyone will have the time and finances to attend? Fair play to them for wanting memorable send offs but you would think they would be more understanding if you can't make it. Same for couples that marry abroad too, should accept a lower turn out!

Balaboosta Mon 13-Jan-14 19:25:15

Are the best friends marrying each other or two separate weddings?

hippoesque Mon 13-Jan-14 19:25:23

We had this exact issue last week. Best friends, best man, maid of honour etc.
Both do's we're edging towards 350 so we've said no, we can't come but please feel free to go regardless. A bit of grumbling later and a few (most of) other participants saying no as well and now they're both looking at a weekend around here.
In our case they are the last of our group to get married and also the only ones without children. Try and explain this in the least condescending way and I'm sure if they're good friends of yours they'll have a lightbulb moment and realise it's unreasonable to ask friends to part with money that simply isn't there. Good luck!

Crowler Mon 13-Jan-14 19:26:42

If you can't afford it, you need to just say you can't afford it. Your family's finances have to come first, IMO, unless there's extenuating circumstances (there aren't).

MrsHappyBee Mon 13-Jan-14 19:28:07

You say that neither you nor DH really wants to go, so there's your answer. Spend the money on a lovely family holiday with DS instead.

They're not very good friends if they can't accept that you might not be able to afford to go on their stag/hen holidays. Why they can't just have a night out baffles me . confused If neither of you want to go and it means you'll have to forgo a family holiday then don't go. If the friendships mean something to them then they will understand, if they don't then were never really proper friends in the first place!

Musicaltheatremum Mon 13-Jan-14 19:30:11

My best hen night (day) was spent just NW of Glasgow in driving snow going quad biking, clay pigeon shooting and doing archery. We then went out for a meal at night. Cost us less than £50. Wedding too was fabulous.
This going abroad is just getting ridiculous. You'd be better going to a spa day. A lot cheaper and less stressful.

specialsubject Mon 13-Jan-14 19:39:44

where's the issue given that neither of you want to go?

I hope these stupid, entitled best friends are marrying each other as otherwise four people will be unhappy rather than two.

Kundry Mon 13-Jan-14 19:47:31

So I'm guessing they don't have kids but you married first so you do?

They also haven't had the final bill for the wedding - up til now going to others weddings and stag/hen dos has been a fun activity for them with little impact on the bank balance.

And if you decline they are going to think you are really boring now you have kids.

All I can suggest is you wait 5 years as then they'll be moaning about the thoughtless couple with stag/hens abroad and a childfree wedding miles from anywhere and you can sit back and say 'I told you so'.

Goldencity1 Mon 13-Jan-14 19:50:26

I really really do not understand this obsession with expensive, often overseas, stag and hen "do"s.
Surly the idea is to have a good time monumental pissup with all your friends before you get married, not go on the weekend away of a lifetime?
Most people going on them are at that stage in their lives when money is best spent on their own kids/houses/saving for own weddings?

Alliwantisaroomsomewhere Mon 13-Jan-14 19:52:26

If they cannot understand and accept your reasons for not going, then fuck 'em. They are being ridiculous and entitled.

These extravagant hen and stag dos followed by lavish weddings in the back of beyond is absurd. It seems that getting a wedding invitation is equivalent to getting a bill for £500!!

Alliwantisaroomsomewhere Mon 13-Jan-14 19:53:47
CHJR Mon 13-Jan-14 19:54:39

Oh just bite the bullet, say no to the hen/stag, and try to attend the wedding. Make sure you tell them how sad you are and how much you love 'em but don't feel guilty. If they assumed you should be able to come they wouldn't be ASKING, right?

Peanutbutternutter419 Mon 13-Jan-14 19:58:38

Thanks for making me realise im not being selfish.
In actual fact they have a 2 and half yo and a 2 WEEK OLD! Find it baffling that they both want to go abroad with such small children!

I just feel that together with the holiday away for their wedding, that they are being selfish forgetting upset if we dont do the stag/hen dos.

My oldest and best friend got married last year and we went away for the weekend for hen do but as my son was only 9 months at the time, she made it clear that if i changed my mind last minute, it really didnt matter. She just wanted me to be happy and comfortable with leaving DS.

Jesus, just both decline. They are a pair of twats for organising trips abroad to celebrate their weddings.

crazykat Mon 13-Jan-14 20:14:06

Don't get mad with each other, get mad at the bride and groom. If they want to have stag/hen dos costing the same as a family holiday then they should be prepared for lots of people to be unable to go. Save your money for going to the wedding or a family holiday.

A friend of DH is thinking of having a stag do abroad and asked DH to go. No way is that happening as DH doesn't even have a passport and we are struggling for money at the best of times. No way can we afford to blow £300+ for a stag do when we can't even afford a takeaway never mind a family holiday. Not to mention leaving me stuck at home with our young DCs.

FunkyBoldRibena Mon 13-Jan-14 20:17:54

'We'd love to but can't afford it. Thanks for asking though'.

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