To stop inviting children to parties when they have not had a party themselves

(334 Posts)
PMDD Mon 13-Jan-14 08:07:57

I just read another thread about their son not being invited to a party. It has raised an interesting point that I am considering this year.

On the whole, I believe that if you have a large party where all the children or all of one sex at the party, that you invite the whole class and not leave one, two or three off the list. Especially when the children are in infants.

I really enjoy a celebration and hold parties for my friends and their children (and friends with no children) at Easter, Summer, Halloween and Christmas. My children have a party each birthday every year.

It costs a fortune but it is my choice to hold the parties. Each children's party costs around £300 to hold and my children are born in May, June and July so it is an expensive quarter.

However, over recent years fewer children are having parties or are only having a party for a handful of children at home or taking them bowling or to the cinema. My children may invite 20+ children to their party, but only get to attend less than 4 each year in return.

There are 2 boys who never invite my sons to their house/party, so I have decided this year to have the party but not invite the children that never invite my children. This will mean that in my friend's social group there will be 2 children who are not invited. I feel this is reasonable, but from reading the other thread, perhaps I'm not.

sittingagain Mon 13-Jan-14 08:20:34

Very unreasonable. Decide on a number, ask your children who they want to invite.

A party invite is not a reward for a previous party invite.

Please don't invite my child to any of your precious parties.

I invite the 6-8 dc that my child asks to invite. Some will have asked her to a party. Some won't. Some who asked her to their parties will not be asked back. That's the way that goes.

Oriunda Mon 13-Jan-14 08:22:42

But the 2 kids in question aren't less well off. They have parties/invite kids to their house, but not the OPs kids. Surely if you have a party you invite kids who have hosted your kids? In that case YANBU.

DrankSangriaInThePark Mon 13-Jan-14 08:23:13

You sound delightful OP.

And I imagine your children will grow up to be materialistic, snobby, utterly revolting adults too.

The apple doesn't fall from the tree.

Maybe one day you'll invite all those lovely kids who can afford birthday parties to yours, and you'll find they've all got something better to do that day. I really fucking hope so.

MadIsTheNewNormal Mon 13-Jan-14 08:23:44

It depends. If they never have parties that's not their fault, perhaps they are not allowed, and after all your party is supposed to be a treat for your child, and part of the fun is being surrounded by the children your child wants to be there, so not inviting his good friends would be cutting off your nose to spite your face.

Ont he other hand, if they do have parties, but choose not to invite your son due to restricted numbers and him not being one of the chosen few, then YANBU.

coldwater1 Mon 13-Jan-14 08:23:50

There was me thinking parents held parties for their own children, not for the guests! So because a child doesn't have birthday parties of their own you are not going to invite them to your childs party?! Wth is that all about? I don't throw my kids parties for many reasons.., i haven't got the money, i have enough children of my own without having to supervise numerous kids that aren't mine, i work and go to uni leaving me with one day off a week to get everything else done as well as study! And i am not really an entertainer tbh. So should my kids not be invited to their friends parties then? shock

cory Mon 13-Jan-14 08:24:34

What a miserable attitude. Surely the point of inviting children to your dc' party is so they and their friends can enjoy themselves together?

Besides, if you come to a pary and bring a card and present you have already "paid" for the invitation- you don't owe your host anything more.

And leaving out only 2 children (unless they are bullying your ds) looks incredibly small minded and petty.

Do whatever you feel is right for you in terms of party size/money spent. But do not bring your dc up to calculate everything in terms of money recouped- it won't make them into better people, it won't make them into happier people.

Theas18 Mon 13-Jan-14 08:24:40

YABVU if these kids "never have parties" they are from families who either don't have the money, CBA or are the SN kid who is always left out....

In which case they "need" and invite as much if not more than the other 28....

If you mean "I invited X and he had a big party but left my little Z out" then maybe you have a point but I don't get this message from the OP.

Stop the parties you can't afford. Have the kids that your child is special friends with round for a pizza and movie night and be done with it. Budget slashed and your child as happy, if not happier as he's spending time with his best mates.

DrankSangriaInThePark Mon 13-Jan-14 08:24:53

Oriunda- how do you know that?

The OP hasn't said so.

pigletmania Mon 13-Jan-14 08:25:18

Yabvvvvvvu that is not the point of having a party, so your invited in return, it's about celebrating your child's birthday with their friends! There are so many reasons as to why parents don't give parties, or small ones, cost is one big factor, parents have got other issues to deal with, mabey some parents find giving parties awkward, so their kids should miss out because of the parents hmm. That's not the spirit op, if you feel that way stop giving big parties, and just invite those your dc socialise with!

ENormaSnob Mon 13-Jan-14 08:25:22

You are mean

NigellasDealer Mon 13-Jan-14 08:26:19

god that is really nasty and mean - spirited - what a lovely lesson for your children

Oriunda Mon 13-Jan-14 08:27:13

Before everyone else jumps down her throat, the OP hasn't said that these 2 kids don't have parties. If they don't have parties themselves, then of course SWBU not to invite them. However, I read her OP as saying that they did have parties, so it's a different question.

Bogeyface Mon 13-Jan-14 08:27:38

Well thanks for that.

Circumstances and finances mean that birthday parties are out of the question for us, but I always accept invitations.

Nice to know that my children would be off the list on the basis that I wouldnt be inviting your child round to "pay back" your oh so generous invitations. Do you expect the lucky recipients of your golden tickets to doff their caps to you in grateful thanks too?

Bea Mon 13-Jan-14 08:28:17

Oh honestly... you don't invite ... and then expect it to be returned.... ! shock

you invite who your children want to invite.... if any of my dc's don't get invited... they're not invited! a little sad but that's just the way it is!

We don't do any of the "well you should invite A because he invited you to his.... but don't invite B as she didn't ask you to hers!"

How petty! Ask your child who they want and be grown up and mature enough to respect their choice....

also! you are lucky to have the luxury of being able to host a party for so many... just remember not all are in the same boat as you!

this has been something that in previous years has really played on my mind probably because people with the same attitude as you think like this. my son has been invited to a number of parties that I take him too, I have never thrown a party that included his whole class and for the foreseeable future won't either, myself and dp have just managed to straighften ourselves out debt wise and couldn't afford to throw whole class parties. it's not because I don't like certain children or because I'm rude but I can't afford to do it, if we did for one we would have to for sd and ss son so have smaller things like sleepovers or days out. I think yabu and teaching your children that you only do something to get in return, what if their best friend didn't have parties would friend not be allowed to come.

trixymalixy Mon 13-Jan-14 08:28:48

Definitely not a reasonable thing to do. Very mean spirited.

pigletmania Mon 13-Jan-14 08:29:30

I would not leave 2 out, have a smaller party with just doc close friends. Obviously if these children don't invite your dc to their house or party they are not their friend so obviously don't get included. Just have a much smaller party

WooWooOwl Mon 13-Jan-14 08:29:31

I don't think you are being entirely unreasonable.

There is such a thing as social etiquette, and I don't think you should feel obliged to invite children to your larger parties when they have had parties and not invited your children.

If people want to spend less on parties for their children and either not have a party at all or only invite a select few then that's fine. Not a problem at all. They just can't get disgruntled when their children don't get invites.

Wuxiapian Mon 13-Jan-14 08:29:34


How mean-spirited.

livelablove Mon 13-Jan-14 08:31:22

I do understand where you are coming from, but like others I have had to restrict party numbers due to cost. For this reason if dd is invited to party I always try to give a nice birthday present. So I feel this helps to make up for if the child is not invited to a party in return. I think if you are doing a big party and inviting all the children in the class you should not leave anyone out, but alternatively just do a smaller party and invite your childrens best friends but be a bit careful how the invites are handed out. This way most kids don't realise they have not been invited. The only time dd was upset was when a close friend did not invite her.

funkybuddah Mon 13-Jan-14 08:31:49

Not its not different if the kids did have parties and ops kids weren't invited. You invite who your kids want, thats it.

Also even if people can afford parties why does that mean they should have them?
I can afford parties but put them off if possible because I hate kids parties, im having to stay at one soon due to transport issues and it's my idea of hell, I dont like other peoples kids much and dislike being accountable for them.

DrankSangriaInThePark Mon 13-Jan-14 08:32:26

Oriunda, she hasn't said they do, either, though, has she?

I think you are assuming rather a lot of niceness on the part of the OP that most people on the thread aren't seeing.

Maybe because we iz poor innit.

I am now wondering if dd (who invited 1 friend to a pyjama party in October) should have gone to the whole class party last Friday. Clearly not. Even though I coughed up my £7 for the present. Which, working it out, more than paid for the fucking slice of pizza she was given by the hostess.

Tiredemma Mon 13-Jan-14 08:32:26

You sound really mean.

Not sure if thats how you intend to come across but thats how its seems.

Nanny0gg Mon 13-Jan-14 08:32:56

So, you'll punish the children because the parents don't have/can't afford to host a party? Either at all or for the same numbers you can?

When you've invited them in the past, have they brought presents? Isn't that enough 'payment' for you? Or do they fall short too?

If your only reason for hosting a party is to make sure your children get invited everywhere then you're teaching them a lovely life lesson, no?

I think you have a really horrible, entitled attitude about this and little idea what 'hospitality' means.

I despair sometimes.

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