to not be overly sympathetic to grieving friend

(436 Posts)
znaika Sun 12-Jan-14 21:34:04

I know that everyone feels grief in different ways and that some people feel genuine upset at the death of their pets etc, however, AIBUnreasonbly cuntish to feel infuriated by a colleague who keeps banging on about what a tough year 2013 was, becasue she lost her grandmother.
She was not raised by her, she's in her 40s - her grandmother was in her 90s, she had a month's compassionate leave, and while I understand she may miss her, it's really not that tragic is it? to lose an extremely elderly relative.

Pigsmummy Sun 12-Jan-14 21:44:25

Yabu. My gran is 90 and I will be devasted

Snatchoo Sun 12-Jan-14 21:44:28

My grandfather died over ten years ago. I still get weepy when I think about him.

YABU unless there other things and you think she is taking the piss or something.

Sparkles86 Sun 12-Jan-14 21:44:35

What difference does it make to you how someone else handles grief? YABU

PortofinoRevisited Sun 12-Jan-14 21:45:14

It would depend I suppose. I can imagine people milking a situation snd the "banging on" about it - by which I suppose you mean she talks a lot about it, could be seen as a bit OTT. On the other hand, my GM is 85, not in good health, but she brought me up and is the one constant in my life. She might go at say 90 or anytime really, and I would be GUTTED. I have no idea how I might feel in the eventuality. The fact that she is OLD would have nothing to do with it.

Joules68 Sun 12-Jan-14 21:46:10

No , you only know about your own grief... Not a 'thing or two' about everyone else's

Writerwannabe83 Sun 12-Jan-14 21:46:19

I would be distraught if my Grandmother died. I honestly can't believe you even think the way you do, let alone voice it.

"it's really not that tragic is it? to lose an extremely elderly relative."

It is tragic to lose anyone you love, regardless of their age.

You don't get a months compassionate leave, without reason, so you don't know the whole story.

I don't blame her for not sharing it with you and I wonder if you did know it, whether it would make any difference.

Your reaction is odd. Why anyone would feel "infuriated" by another humans grieving process and the need to express that, is a puzzle, tbh.

What is more important than losing someone you love and loves you back? The only other event is a MC, everything else is totally recoverable.

Caitlin17 Sun 12-Jan-14 21:47:21

YANBU. A month's compassionate leave is unreasonable.

znaika Sun 12-Jan-14 21:47:28

But this woman was not brought up by her GM- didn't even live in the same country for years and years. I was just musing becasu she's having tomorrow off again becasue of her grief- I can't figure it out.

Newyearchanger Sun 12-Jan-14 21:48:00

You can't compare grief, it's all about how you felt about that person and coming to terms with that loss

It may be difficult for you to understand but why is it making you irritated... Do you feel she is being false for attention or do you feel you have had it tougher and she should toughen up. Try to let go of your anger, let her feel what she needs to feel. She may be suffering .

WorraLiberty Sun 12-Jan-14 21:49:40

Unreasonably cuntish is putting it a bit too mildly

znaika Sun 12-Jan-14 21:49:57

I not angry _ I just puzzled, perhaps she's milking t of course, but if she's genuine I'm just so puzzled

mrssmith79 Sun 12-Jan-14 21:50:43

YABVU. Grief affects us all in different ways, you said that yourself - quite aside from the fact that she is only a colleague and you aren't in possession of the intimate details of her personal life, feelings, memories and relationships therefore in no position to make a judgement on how she should be feeling.
I do hope that you don't ever verbalise these thoughts IRL.

StupidMistakes Sun 12-Jan-14 21:50:46

I didn't want people to tiptoe around me after I lost my mum earlier this year, yes I did have a bloody hard year in 2013,theres no two ways about it, I went through more than what some people go through in a lifetime, including my son being adopted, losing my mum to cancer, homelessness, a divorce, my epilepsy returning and other health issues. Most people wouldn't have coped, but the only day with regards to my mum I asked for allowances was the day I found out she died, and the day of her funeral, which was unfortunately the day before my son's birthday which I knew would be the last one I would spend with him, so was emotional anyway, and seeing the coffin made it real.

I have asked my doctor to refer me for grief counselling and am waiting an appointment.

Everyone is different, I had my ds to concentrate on spending the last days I could with him which honestly kept me going, though 8 days after I had final goodbye contact with DS, it all got too much and I went to my brothers grave and took all the sleeping tablets I had, fortunately I was okay, but the bottom line was I didn't cope then, each and every person is different.

Its so hard to learn to live without someone you care about. my ds was my strength through everything, he was all my reasons, and still is, I will make him proud.

znaika Sun 12-Jan-14 21:50:48

I was the one who gave a her the month off in the first place btw- largely becasue of the travel

FloozeyLoozey Sun 12-Jan-14 21:50:53

Yanbu. This suggests she has some other problems which the grief has compounded.

shallweshop Sun 12-Jan-14 21:51:08

I think a months compassionate leave in these circumstances is unreasonable.

Divinity Sun 12-Jan-14 21:51:14

It's not your place to "figure it out". She's your colleague not a best friend. The HR department and her boss obviously know the details and have agreed to give her a months compassionate leave. You do not know the details and have no right to know. Let the poor woman grieve in peace.

Silentelf Sun 12-Jan-14 21:51:15

Perhaps they were extremely close even though she wasn't brought up by her?

Or perhaps this is the first experience of loss for your friend. I adored my grandad who passed away in his 80s but my grief for him was much less than I felt for my own father who I had already lost when I was 20. And I did find the 'had a good innings' comforting when I lost my grandad compared to losing my dad who was still young.

kinkyfuckery Sun 12-Jan-14 21:51:18

Message deleted by Mumsnet for breaking our Talk Guidelines. Replies may also be deleted.

plantsitter Sun 12-Jan-14 21:52:27

I think you can't possibly know what the relationship was like. You can't rank grief.

Often a Grandmother is a very important matriarchal figure for an extended family and so it feels as if the family itself has died with her, in a way.

If you're annoyed you're annoyed, but you don't have to let her know that.

ashtrayheart Sun 12-Jan-14 21:53:42

Yanbu, my gran is 94, she wants to die. When she dies I will celebrate her life. A month compassionate leave would not be given where I work!

FortyDoorsToNowhere Sun 12-Jan-14 21:53:57

Someone I work with took around 6 weeks off after her grandson was born sleeping. She was supporting her daughter as well as her own grief

Perhaps she supporting her parents.

PortofinoRevisited Sun 12-Jan-14 21:54:23

Do you have to do her work? Or does her absence negatively affect you in a practical way? I work in a big team, someone is always on holiday, sick, bereaved or whatever. We just get on with it. I never yet felt the need to slag my colleagues off on the internet. In fact with many firms very switched onto social media, I would not dare.

WhoNickedMyName Sun 12-Jan-14 21:55:43

You don't get a months compassionate leave without reason

Ha. In the NHS, yes you probably do. A colleague had 2 days compassionate leave when her pet rabbit died, I kid you not. An old line manager of mine had 6 months... 2 months compassionate leave, then 4 months sick leave when her 90 odd year old grandma died. She felt able to return to work after 6 months, coincidentally around the time she was due to be reduced to half pay.

Join the discussion

Join the discussion

Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.

Register now