to think my sister is vile and that this is totally unacceptable thing to do

(107 Posts)
rainale Sun 12-Jan-14 16:53:33

My sister is a very difficult person with a lot of narcissistic traits and she has long blamed our mum for everything bad that has happened in her life. As a consequence of this my mum and sister (23) have had a rocky relationship for several years (she moved out at 18) but things seemed to be improving in the last few months and at the end of November my sister paid for my mum to go away for a 3 day spa break and she would look after my brother (he stays over at hers once a week anyway).

However during this time she and my brother (13) have entered her house and moved all his possessions into her house and both he and she now say that he is going to live with her. She says that mum is not fit to parent that she won’t allow our mum to damage him or subject him to the hell that she had suffer for her childhood. The recent improvement in the relationship appears all to have been an act and she admits that she paid for my mum to go away to give them the time necessary to facilitate moving all of his stuff. My brother absolutely adores my sister and is very impressionable and dsis is quite manipulative IMO but he says this is what he wants.

Mum is devastated, neither sis nor bro will answer her phone calls and when she went around to dsis house they did not answer the door although dsis shouted at her to fuck off out of the window apparently. I spoke to dsis and she is adamant that she has done this for his sake but that “the fact that the bitch is suffering is an added bonus” I have spoken to him and he says that he also hates her and that dsis is far more of a mother to him and has been since he was very little. I personally think that he enjoys the lack of rules etc that he received when he stayed over at hers about once a week and that she is manipulating him against her (I had no issues with the way we were brought up and some of the examples she gives of our mums failures as a parent are ridiculously minor). I have just got off the phone with mum who is distraught and is begging me to help sort the situation and have dbro back home although she seems unwilling to go down the legal route as she obviously has full parental rights over him.

I want to have a more stern word with my sister and tell her what she has done is terrible and that turning my brother against our mum is a deplorable thing to do as well as return him home to my mum. DH on the other hand says that I should not get involved under any circumstances, our dad for what is worth lives in Singapore and so is not really involved in any of our lives and he hates mum anyway.

rainale Sun 12-Jan-14 17:25:50

He is still going to the same school as dsis lives roughly the same distance from it as mum does albeit from the opposite direction. Dsis is financially supporting him as she is in quite a well paid job (recruitment consultant).

NotSuchASmugMarriedNow Sun 12-Jan-14 17:26:58

has your mother seen or spent any time with your brother since he's been living with your sister? Who did he spend xmas with? Who goes to the doctors and parents night with him?

The whole thing sounds very odd

NotSuchASmugMarriedNow Sun 12-Jan-14 17:27:27

how does your sister afford to feed him and pay for his expenses?

NotSuchASmugMarriedNow Sun 12-Jan-14 17:28:27

She won't be in a well paid job for long if she gets a conviction for child abduction.

rainale Sun 12-Jan-14 17:30:33

No shes not seen/spoken to him, the only communication they have had is a text when my brother told her to leave him alone. Its not for the lack of trying she has been to her house several times she calls/text/emails several times a day but it gets no response.

TidyDancer Sun 12-Jan-14 17:31:16

I think you need to inform the police. Your brother sounds like he could be quite vulnerable and require protection from your sister. Has your sister ever had any counselling? If you're sure that there's no truth to what she's saying about your mum, it sounds like she may be in need of some help too.

cees Sun 12-Jan-14 17:31:29

Get the authorities involved, it might wake your sister up and give her the shock she deserves.

NotSuchASmugMarriedNow Sun 12-Jan-14 17:31:35

why does she not go to the school?

Littlefish Sun 12-Jan-14 17:33:46

She MUST involve the school, at the very least. If she doesn't, there is very little chance this will ever be resolved.

This is a safeguarding issue. He has run away. He is with someone who does not have parental responsibility and is not able to make decisions on his behalf. He is a minor.

There is no point in her continuing to call/text/email. They have not responded in 2 months.

She must involve the relevant authorities.

She hasn't abducted him, because his Mum hasn't informed anyone, so as soon as she does the Sis is going to say that it was agreed and it looks that way.

If you are a good parent, you don't let your 13 year old leave home.

He has the right to live with your Sis (as said), he will have a CAF instigated, once the school finds out, I didn't realise this happened in November.

Your Mum has not fulfilled her PR duties, she hasn't a leg to stand on.

Either your Sis is stable or isn't and if she isn't then why has she been handed the care of your DB?

If she is then she must be telling the truth.

That's how those in Children and Families will see it.

Your Mum needs to wake up to her responsibilities.

OP have you seen your DB?

Have you or your mum checked with the school that his attendance is good?

Sorry, but your mum is negligent.

MmeLindor Sun 12-Jan-14 17:39:29

Your mum has been incredibly silly in ignoring this so long. Just reread and saw that it has been since Nov.

Why didn't she go to the school and catch your brother there? She can't jsut say 'I went around a few times and he won't see me'.

My brother and I have completely different opinions of our upbringing btw. I think it was fine, he has major issues. Maybe you and your sister should sit down and really talk about her feelings towards your mother.

rainale Sun 12-Jan-14 17:45:02

I've seen him several times and he always robustly argues that mum is a terrible person and dsis looks after him better and is more of a mother to him than she is. I've not checked his school attendance but I don't think dsis would let him skip school and my mum has received no complaints from the school about him.

I don't think she's gone to the school for the risk of it creating an embarassing scene and so pushing him further away.

StanleyLambchop Sun 12-Jan-14 17:50:16

Surely the example you gave is just your Mum being a parent, even if the decision she made was one that your sister disagrees with? Blimey, I have stopped my DC going places and dragged them off to Grandma's on occasions. It can't be just that surely? Your sister sounds full of anger and bitterness. It almost seems like revenge on your mother, not really out of concern for your Dbro. I think you do need the help of the authorities, mainly for your Dbro's sake!

ChatNicknameUnavailable Sun 12-Jan-14 17:51:01

If you are a good parent, you don't let your 13 year old leave home

To be frank, if my 13 year old tried 'leaving home' at 13, he'd have been dragged back by his ear that evening.

Your mum is in the wrong to have allowed this to continue for so long. November? Really? And she's done what exactly...walked past the house to see if they're in a couple of times. With no other contact or updates as to his wellbeing.

Your mum is negligent.

cees Sun 12-Jan-14 17:51:43

Well if your Mum won't help herself then she can hardly expect you to step in and clear it all up for her. If she wants him home she must do what it takes to get him there, this will you sort it without any outside help attitude will get her no where.

rainale Sun 12-Jan-14 17:53:44

StanleyLambchop- I agree and have no issue with our upbringing, to be honest I think dsis has problems and needs to get some help but instead she has preferred to scapegoat mum and has been vengeful and bitter for years.

NatashaBee Sun 12-Jan-14 17:54:18

I completely missed the November bit. Why on earth did your mum not do something sooner? If she does anything now, your sister can argue that your brother has been fine for the last couple of months and your mother wasn't bothered enough to address it sooner.

JanetAndRoy Sun 12-Jan-14 17:58:09

Your Mum went away at the end of November and that is when DB moved out?
So this has been going on for 6 weeks already?! hmm

rainale Sun 12-Jan-14 18:05:24

I know the timescale doesn't look good but it really shook her and scrambled her thoughts. I also accept that have been far too inactive also.

campion Sun 12-Jan-14 18:08:15

Perhaps your Mum is in need of a little support rather than criticism. She obviously isn't sure what to do for the best and your sister (whom you describe yourself as manipulative) is taking advantage of all of you, really.

Your brother, at 13, is easy enough to manipulate and it sounds like she's doing a good job in that respect now that he's parroting his sister (doubtless).

School should be informed tomorrow (speak to the designated Child Protection Officer) and they have a duty of care to take it further. They should keep your mother informed and you must check that they are following everything through properly. A few schools can be a bit slow on the uptake. Your sister does not have the right to remove your brother from his home without proper permission.

Meerka Sun 12-Jan-14 18:32:12

good grief, November?

In that case I'm with your husband. Keep well clear. You stand to loose one or other side of the family (your mum or your brother and/or sister). If this has gone on this long then it's between them.

Bloodyteenagers Sun 12-Jan-14 18:41:39

Since November?
So there has been no professional involvement at all in all this time?
Her pride will get hurt. So her feelings are far superior that that of a child. God grief.
Call Child services. They will talk to him over a period of time without your, your mum or your sister there. They will work with him.

But living there, illegally forever, is not an option.

Someone in his live needs to be a responsible adult. Make the call.

steff13 Sun 12-Jan-14 18:48:26

I think it might be a good idea to call children's services and tell them what's going on. There needs to be an objective third party involved here. I don't mean to be rude, so please don't take it that way, but your dad, your sister, and your brother don't seem to like your mom very much. Is it possible that you are the one who isn't being realistic about what she's like?

CoffeeTea103 Sun 12-Jan-14 19:03:24

Your mother chooses her pride over getting her child back. They may be truth to what your sister is saying. Who does nothing for 6 weeks?

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