To be posting on AIBU rather than just being a grown up and figuring this out myself?

(60 Posts)

Because I feel a bit pathetic! I'm a single parent, 3 kids, stbxh left when I was pg with DS2, now 5 months old. Was hideously horrible time, included him having deep and meaningful fb conversations with female friends about how awful and what a "nutter" I was. Anyway, today I received a message from one of these women (who fully engaged with the "yeah she is a nutter chat") asking if I will teach her daughter....

I teach privately, only person in the area in this subject. The money from an extra student would be very very very helpful (no maintenance for the DCs), and I do love teaching, but I don't really want to be involved with this woman who was laughing about what a nutter I supposedly am when I was seriously ill in my pregnancy and struggling to cope with my other DCs alone.

Argh. I know I should just be a grown up and either say yes or no, but I would rather sticky head in the sand and ignore the message. If I say yes, I will keep getting reminded of what was a black time , if I say no I have to give a reason and it means her DD cannot learn the specialist thing I teach. Which seems mean to let a little girl down because I am in all probability being a bit precious about some slightly bitchy fb conversations.

So, AIBU for feeling like this is an actual dilemma. And, because that is how I feel, WWYD?

helenthemadex Wed 15-Jan-14 12:58:52

after seeing the update I would absolutely not teach her daughter, she instigated the conversation about you, I think SecretNutellas reply is perfect and professional. It also puts the reasons back on her where they belong

ReindeerBollocks Mon 13-Jan-14 20:07:34

I wouldn't be teaching her daughter in a million years.

What a cow! (Her not you). You'd be a more dignified person, but with her attitude is it worth the money?

Hope the work trip goes well - it's lovely to hear you're doing well after all that rubbish your STBXH threw at you thanks

waves, after this info - never ever would I let her come to my house every week. What a cow.

SomethingOnce Mon 13-Jan-14 11:12:43

Hmmm, tricky.

Could you say to the mother that you're happy to do it, as long as the mother feels you are a fit person to teach the daughter (nicely PA reference to the messages grin)? Then see what she says and then, if you're happy with her response, do it for the love of your specialism, the girl herself, an the money.

It is a tough situation, I still haven't replied, but to be fair I am having to go away with work tomorrow and have been working out what I need to pack for me and the baby. So, I think I will consider all your advice and ideas some more and get back to her when I am back home at the end of the week.

If it helps formulate further ideas then here are some details: the lessons are one to one, with usually the parent dropping off at the start and picking up after, from my own home. So, definitely close contact with the mother required.

The FB conversation that I saw was along the lines of "Hey [stbxh] how are things going with you and Waves? Baby due soon?"

He went back saying "things aren't going at all with waves, she turned out to be a total nutter who hated my kids and I am glad to be shot of her"

She went back reminiscing about when they were an item then said, oh, I remember Waves from years back, she was a nutter back then too. Can't imagine why you were with her"

He went back saying, yeah, enough people have told me that since. Well rid.

She agreed etc etc

That kind of conversation.... (Please note, I have NO recollection of who this particular woman is, I don't know how/if she knows me) And I am pretty sure she has no idea that I know about the conversation.

Interesting that someone suggested it could be a trap, another way of getting twunt to spy on me. I try not to be paranoid, but he does have a tendency to online stalk me.

MinesAPintOfTea Mon 13-Jan-14 07:25:54

Iirc you are in quite a small community. If you are going to have to deal with this group of women regularly as your DC grow up then its best to start on your own terms.

Draw up a formal contact even if you don't usually have one though.

saintmerryweather Mon 13-Jan-14 06:48:46

I would answer with what nutella said. Its the most mature dignified response anyone has posted so far

paxtecum Mon 13-Jan-14 06:46:11

Don't do the waiting list idea - that is just prolonging the agony of indecision.

deXavia Mon 13-Jan-14 06:41:00

Cinnamon has it right - don't risk losing other clients, or causing problems with other parents.

Personally I'd do it for the funds and for the DD.

But if you really don't want to - short and dignified is the only way to go...

Waves, I would not tell her any reasons why you can't teach her dd.

You want other people's children to turn up for tutoring, so don't spread the word you are fully booked, and don't give her any ammunition to go and bitch about you (if you pull her up about her bad behaviour she might just do that).

I would not teach her dd unless I would starve otherwise. Your sanity is worth more than an extra student. You'd be reminded of that crappy time in your life every week.

PrimalLass Mon 13-Jan-14 06:11:13

I think I'd be tempted to do it and be fabulous.

phantomnamechanger Sun 12-Jan-14 19:37:41

would you be doing this teaching in your own home? would the mother be waiting in the next room?

as one of a small class of kids, dropped off at a neutral venue it might be bearable. You would not have to interact too much with cow mum.

As a one -to-one lesson where the parent is dropping off/picking up/having a chat or even worse waiting in another room, I could not do it. unless I really needed the money.

is there any part of you that thinks she is a spy being planted, rather than a genuine customer?

IamGluezilla Sun 12-Jan-14 19:22:31

Would the mother be close at hand whilst you tutor?

IamGluezilla Sun 12-Jan-14 19:22:05

Does she still have contact with your ex?
Could this be a situation (trap) of "accept this client and your tax better be in order" vs. "Refuse this client and it proves you don't need maintenance?"

waves I read your old threads, although I don't think I ever posted. Can't believe your little acrobat is 6 months old, wow!

In your position I would say no, without giving an excuse. Her daughter's education is really not your responsibility.

wildfig Sun 12-Jan-14 18:48:11

I think that old 'never complain, never explain' adage works best here, if you've decided not to go ahead and teach the child.

If the woman is a complete cow, then any explanation from you beyond 'I'm sorry, I don't have availability' will just be picked over and used as evidence by your ex that you haven't moved on/can't move on/are still a nutter.

If she's actually a nice person, she'll know exactly why you've declined to teach her child, and she'll feel bad and want to explain herself.

Either way, you know and she knows what the problem is, and she'll squirm far more because you haven't stooped to spelling it out.

Jacksmania Sun 12-Jan-14 18:36:12

^ that one's good too!

<bows to Nutella and Balloon's way with words>

SecretNutellaFix Sun 12-Jan-14 18:23:42

Dear Mum,

I have seriously considered your request that I teach your dd my subject.

However, I have some serious reservations based on previous conversations I have been privy to during my recent marriage break up and ill health, in which you were fully participating.

These conversations referred to me as a "nutter" and discussed what a dreadful person I am. As such I feel it would be detrimental to any working relationship between us where I might need your support with your daughter and as a result I have decided to decline your request.

Yours

WavesandSmiles.

Jacksmania Sun 12-Jan-14 18:14:55

I like BalloonSlayer's suggestion. Very dignified and well worded.
I wouldn't be able to not say anything, the resentment would eat me up.

BalloonSlayer Sun 12-Jan-14 16:59:53

I think I might be tempted to reply "I am afraid that I do not think this is a good idea. I saw the conversations that you had with Ex during our breakup, in which he told outrageous lies about me, and I also saw that you appeared to lap all this up and join in. I can see that you now realise that these things were lies, as you have asked me to teach your DD, but I regret that I am quite unable to forget what you said about me in your messages, at a time when I desperately needed a friend. You may find a teacher on ...."

NotSuchASmugMarriedNow Sun 12-Jan-14 16:57:03

Teach her all the wrong things grin

domoarigato Sun 12-Jan-14 16:51:04

She probably didn't really think you were a nutter, just jumped on the band wagon. Now you can go 2 ways... say no and feel smug that you're the only person in the area to teach the subject or, you could charge her more that you usually would. If you don't want to talk to her, tell her she will get a monthly written report about her dc progress.

Poloholo Sun 12-Jan-14 16:42:01

Goodness no way. I'd just say unfortunately you can't take her daughter on due to workload and leave it like that. Take her on and it will be a continual reminder. Do anything else like say really why or charge double and you will be playing straight into the hands of your ex when he wants more ammo against you.

youarewinning Sun 12-Jan-14 16:41:14

Waves I saw some of your posts. I think your strong woman and if you decide to tutor this girl she'll benefit from a great role model. And if you don't then it's totally reasonable as I wouldn't want to engage with the mum either.

Gennacy Sun 12-Jan-14 16:34:44

If you did decide to teach the child, make sure she pays you in advance, if that's possible?

She doesn't sound very nice and its totally your choice at the end of the day, I would advise against saying you were full (word may get out)
Good Luck!

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