To be posting on AIBU rather than just being a grown up and figuring this out myself?

(60 Posts)

Because I feel a bit pathetic! I'm a single parent, 3 kids, stbxh left when I was pg with DS2, now 5 months old. Was hideously horrible time, included him having deep and meaningful fb conversations with female friends about how awful and what a "nutter" I was. Anyway, today I received a message from one of these women (who fully engaged with the "yeah she is a nutter chat") asking if I will teach her daughter....

I teach privately, only person in the area in this subject. The money from an extra student would be very very very helpful (no maintenance for the DCs), and I do love teaching, but I don't really want to be involved with this woman who was laughing about what a nutter I supposedly am when I was seriously ill in my pregnancy and struggling to cope with my other DCs alone.

Argh. I know I should just be a grown up and either say yes or no, but I would rather sticky head in the sand and ignore the message. If I say yes, I will keep getting reminded of what was a black time , if I say no I have to give a reason and it means her DD cannot learn the specialist thing I teach. Which seems mean to let a little girl down because I am in all probability being a bit precious about some slightly bitchy fb conversations.

So, AIBU for feeling like this is an actual dilemma. And, because that is how I feel, WWYD?

Poppy67 Sun 12-Jan-14 14:25:06

Charge her double!!!!

Thanks everyone for replying... I really thought people would think I was being completely ott and pathetic.

It is very difficult, especially as I really am not the sort who can compartmentalise feelings and I do think it would be hard, but I feel really bad at the prospect of letting her DD down. I don't think the woman knows i saw the messages, and I don't believe she can actually think I am a "nutter" as if she did, why would she want me to teach her DD. In a way that makes me feel a little better as it hurt for a long time that people were believing me to be a nutter as stbxh put it, but she evidently doesn't believe that or wouldn't have asked me about lessons.

I'm tempted to buy some time by saying I have a waiting list just now and that I will maybe have space next term (love the idea of charging double but just couldn't do that)

Stbxh is too broke to pay maintenance for our baby (apparently, but still pays for his older children from previous relationship). My older two DCs' dad did a total disappearing act about 5 years ago as he doesn't want to pay, so I've been pretty self sufficient for a long time. We could manage without the extra one student, but it would obviously make life easier with the extra .

Definitely think that taking some more time to think about this is worthwhile. Oh, and for those of you who remember by earlier threads when I was in the throes of pregnancy hyperemesis etc, my little Acrobat is going to be 6 months old in a couple of weeks shock

drawohamme Sun 12-Jan-14 14:43:58

Agree with the charge her double posters, what's the opposite of mates rates? grin

Alliwantisaroomsomewhere Sun 12-Jan-14 15:03:33

I think the idea of putting the child on a waiting list is an excellent idea. It will give you some time to think clearly and as unemotionally as possible about what you really would like to do.

You and your family come first: don't worry about the other woman's child. Take some time to think it over and always remember to put your family first.

YA absolutely NBU to think that this is a horrible dilemma to be in. Good luck.

sillymillyb Sun 12-Jan-14 15:32:44

Waves I remember your posts (I was on my own when pregnant so posted a few times) I think the waiting list idea is fab, but if I'm honest I couldn't teach her daughter. My mental health and sanity was / is too fragile to have a live connection to the past. Your very brave and much stronger than me to even consider it. Pleased and amazed to see that acrobat is 6 months old already! That's flown past! I hope you are loving being a mummy again x

helenthemadex Sun 12-Jan-14 15:48:57

I don't think I would teach her dd, everytime you saw dd you would mentally find yourself dragged back by memories of what sounds like very bad times it just isnt worth it.

You are not letting the little girl down, her mothers actions have done that.

Toecheese Sun 12-Jan-14 16:14:22

Can you outline the conversation you read between them? I'd like more detail as it might be that be was sounding off and she was just appeasing him?

Phineyj Sun 12-Jan-14 16:17:36

If you feel you can teach her, I agree with others - a special 'you called me a nutter' rate is called for. When I freelanced, I used to have a special rate for irritating clients grin

I read some of your earlier thread & am v. glad things are improving for you now.

LadyHarrietdeSpook Sun 12-Jan-14 16:23:53

Like the waiting list idea. Can you meet her some place neutral as well, ie not at your home? I would also want to build in other guarantees of privacy for myself.

BuzzardBird Sun 12-Jan-14 16:23:57

I don't think if the conversation ever came round to the subject of x I would be able to resist saying something along the lines of "on yes, he was such a lovely man calling me awful names when I was ill but not as bad as the women that actually fell for that crap!" grin

Her choice to cancel then or apologise.

Gennacy Sun 12-Jan-14 16:34:44

If you did decide to teach the child, make sure she pays you in advance, if that's possible?

She doesn't sound very nice and its totally your choice at the end of the day, I would advise against saying you were full (word may get out)
Good Luck!

youarewinning Sun 12-Jan-14 16:41:14

Waves I saw some of your posts. I think your strong woman and if you decide to tutor this girl she'll benefit from a great role model. And if you don't then it's totally reasonable as I wouldn't want to engage with the mum either.

Poloholo Sun 12-Jan-14 16:42:01

Goodness no way. I'd just say unfortunately you can't take her daughter on due to workload and leave it like that. Take her on and it will be a continual reminder. Do anything else like say really why or charge double and you will be playing straight into the hands of your ex when he wants more ammo against you.

domoarigato Sun 12-Jan-14 16:51:04

She probably didn't really think you were a nutter, just jumped on the band wagon. Now you can go 2 ways... say no and feel smug that you're the only person in the area to teach the subject or, you could charge her more that you usually would. If you don't want to talk to her, tell her she will get a monthly written report about her dc progress.

NotSuchASmugMarriedNow Sun 12-Jan-14 16:57:03

Teach her all the wrong things grin

BalloonSlayer Sun 12-Jan-14 16:59:53

I think I might be tempted to reply "I am afraid that I do not think this is a good idea. I saw the conversations that you had with Ex during our breakup, in which he told outrageous lies about me, and I also saw that you appeared to lap all this up and join in. I can see that you now realise that these things were lies, as you have asked me to teach your DD, but I regret that I am quite unable to forget what you said about me in your messages, at a time when I desperately needed a friend. You may find a teacher on ...."

Jacksmania Sun 12-Jan-14 18:14:55

I like BalloonSlayer's suggestion. Very dignified and well worded.
I wouldn't be able to not say anything, the resentment would eat me up.

SecretNutellaFix Sun 12-Jan-14 18:23:42

Dear Mum,

I have seriously considered your request that I teach your dd my subject.

However, I have some serious reservations based on previous conversations I have been privy to during my recent marriage break up and ill health, in which you were fully participating.

These conversations referred to me as a "nutter" and discussed what a dreadful person I am. As such I feel it would be detrimental to any working relationship between us where I might need your support with your daughter and as a result I have decided to decline your request.

Yours

WavesandSmiles.

Jacksmania Sun 12-Jan-14 18:36:12

^ that one's good too!

<bows to Nutella and Balloon's way with words>

wildfig Sun 12-Jan-14 18:48:11

I think that old 'never complain, never explain' adage works best here, if you've decided not to go ahead and teach the child.

If the woman is a complete cow, then any explanation from you beyond 'I'm sorry, I don't have availability' will just be picked over and used as evidence by your ex that you haven't moved on/can't move on/are still a nutter.

If she's actually a nice person, she'll know exactly why you've declined to teach her child, and she'll feel bad and want to explain herself.

Either way, you know and she knows what the problem is, and she'll squirm far more because you haven't stooped to spelling it out.

waves I read your old threads, although I don't think I ever posted. Can't believe your little acrobat is 6 months old, wow!

In your position I would say no, without giving an excuse. Her daughter's education is really not your responsibility.

IamGluezilla Sun 12-Jan-14 19:22:05

Does she still have contact with your ex?
Could this be a situation (trap) of "accept this client and your tax better be in order" vs. "Refuse this client and it proves you don't need maintenance?"

IamGluezilla Sun 12-Jan-14 19:22:31

Would the mother be close at hand whilst you tutor?

phantomnamechanger Sun 12-Jan-14 19:37:41

would you be doing this teaching in your own home? would the mother be waiting in the next room?

as one of a small class of kids, dropped off at a neutral venue it might be bearable. You would not have to interact too much with cow mum.

As a one -to-one lesson where the parent is dropping off/picking up/having a chat or even worse waiting in another room, I could not do it. unless I really needed the money.

is there any part of you that thinks she is a spy being planted, rather than a genuine customer?

PrimalLass Mon 13-Jan-14 06:11:13

I think I'd be tempted to do it and be fabulous.

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