To think my friend is mistaken and this really isn't a problem?(64 Posts)
This might be a bit long!
I had a conversation with a friend yesterday which has made me doubt whether something I always thought was ok...actually IS ok. Now I'm questioning myself so could do with some other points of view!
I am very happily married with one dd. I have a very good male friend who is also married. We attended each other's weddings and have never known each other "single" - we were both in serious relationships with our oh's when we met, so have never dated, flirted, nada - we just clicked when we met about 8 years ago at work and have remained close friends. The four of us (me, my DH, My DF and his wife) very rarely get together as a four - usually my and my friend get together just the two of us to go to dinner, have drinks etc. We text occasionally and exchange emails but nothing we wouldn't be happy for either spouse to read.
My husband is absolutely fine with this friendship. He likes my friend a lot, encourages me to see him regularly and is totally secure in our marriage so there's no jealousy. Both me and DH have good friends of the opposite sex and this is not an issue for us at all. I realise it maybe would be for some couples but it works for us.
I never thought anything was odd about any of this until I spoke to one of my female friends yesterday and mentioned that id gone for dinner with my male friend last week. She was horrified and said that once you are married, you should have no reason to socialise alone with other married members of the opposite sex. She accepted that there is nothing "going on" between us (and honestly, there isn't) but was admant that my friends wife must HATE me spending time with her husband.
This really got me worried! I know and like his wife and always assumed she was fine with me as I've never gotten any vibes when iv been around her. My male friend assures me she is absolutely fine - like my husband - but I can't help now worrying that she's secretly resenting me and that I'm causing problems.
Am I - like my friend told my yesterday - kidding myself to believe that a man and woman can be good friends without either party's spouse minding?
I spoke to my dh about it and he says I'm silly to worry now when wev been friends for 8 years with no incident or problems - and that it would have become apparent before now if I was being seen as a threat! But I realise that some people's marriages have a different dynamic to ours and I would be absolutely mortified if I was causing problems for a very dear friend and his lovely wife
I'd love to hear other peoples take on this!
Your friend is wrong. Nothing wrong with this.
She is projecting her own anxieties onto you. My best friend is a man, I stay at his house at least once a week, I have gone on holiday just with him etc etc. my husband is fine with it.
In fact he likes it as me and my friend enjoy things that my husband can't stand (gigs etc) so it stops him being obliged to go!!
It is quite all right for you to eat with him, as long as you have a chaperone. Do make sure the piano legs are well covered, too, in case it sets him off. And keep your sunbonnet on.
I have a best male friend. We have never flirted, kissed blah blah. He's like my brother. When DH and I got together, my friend came as part of the package and DH now loves him.
Your friend sounds old fashioned and loopy.
Yanbu. I have male friends and DH has female friends, we often go out separately due to no babysitter and socialise with <gasp> the opposite sex.
Some people cannot do this, some don't like it if their partner does it, all that matters is that two people in a relationship are on the same page about what they can and can't cope with.
Maybe your friend has had her own issues in the past which are clouding her judgement? Or is she much older than you? I think there is an element of generational expectation, my relatives in their 70s would no sooner go out alone for a drink with the member of the opposite sex than they would swing naked from a lamppost, and they view both activities to be unacceptable
My DH has several friendships like yours - has even shared a flat with one for a year or two! Doesn't bother me. Doesn't bother their DPs. I am friends/friendly with all of these women and their DPs, but they are primarily DH's friends.
DP has a female friend he's known for about 15 years. She has a partner and kids too. I like her well enough and we see each other at kids' birthday parties or have lunch with both families but she's DP's friend and he tends to socialise with her alone. If they were going to have an affair I guess they would have before now!
Your friend is depressing - does she really think that now that you're married, you 'have no reason to go out socialising with someone of the opposite sex'? That the only reason a woman would socialise with a man is because she's trying to lure him in with her sexual wiles and get a Ring on her Finger?
Is she the kind of person who spends her time beady-eyed at parties, convinced that any one with ovaries who happens to speak to her husband is assessing him for affair potential?
Honestly. Maybe suggest she takes a cold shower because it sounds as if her imagination is a bit overheated.
I agree with you. DP has several close female friends. When we first got together I was surprised by how often they used to call him and talk and talk and talk! But the qualities that make him so attractive as mate to women also make him a great boyfriend to me. He's become close to a couple of my girlfriends and I love that.
He does have one female friend who is the "I've always got on better with men, women hate me" type. He used to go on about how gushingly nice she was about me and how she was always offering to help me out career wise. I knew it was all fake so called her on the job help. She wasn't keen it turned out.
Yanbu. Really really not unreasonable
Is all I have to say
I couldn't be in a relationship where someone was constantly looking for fault with me and my relationships with others. It would drive me absolutely bonkers. I went to a concert just before christmas and due to annoying people in the seats next to me I ended up standing up the back leaning on a railing just behind the accessible seats. There was a young man there who was just having the most amazing time, dancing and singing along. The guy leaning next to me and I caught each others eye and realised we were both looking at the same thing and commented on it, then had a brief chat. Next thing, I've got silly bitch in my face about how I was trying to "hit it" with her "man". This was a woman in her mid forties, not a young woman, and it was just ridiculous. The poor man just rolled his eyes and followed her back to his seat like a lost puppy. Pathetic. I couldn't live with someone that treated me like that, and I couldn't treat someone else like that. Must be terribly exhausting to live your life constantly looking for problems in your relationship.
you're fine with it
your dp is fine with it
your friend is fine with it
his dp is fine with it
someone who it has fuck all to do with is not fine with it.
oh well, never mind.
As you've seen from the replies here, many people have friends of the opposite sex without issue. My husband while having female acquaintances doesn't have any that are a relationship like you describe. Likewise I don't have a male friend with whom I'm as close as you and your friend appear to be, so to me it WOULD be weird to suddenly introduce a male (or female for DH) friend into the relationship who he's suddenly spending a lot of alone time with.
In your situation though your DH has told you he's fine, and I'm sure his DW would tell him if she had problems with it as well. You've been friends EIGHT years. That's a long time for them to come to terms with the friendship.
No stress. Your friend simply doesn't have a friendship like that so can't understand it.
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