MIL is an OW! AIBU to tell her i disapprove?

(54 Posts)
DuchessofKirkcaldy Sun 12-Jan-14 01:16:18

Backstory. Mil and I have always got on well. Mil is early 60s.Fil passed away 3 years ago (cancer).
Shortly after Fil died, mil recieved a letter fron an old male school friend. It stated that he had always been in love with her and had heard about fils passing.
Dh and I immediately decided to check him out as best we could as it all seemed a little fishy.We couldn't however find anything untoward.
This week mil has told dh that they are going on a date (no problem with that,she still deserves to live her life).She explained how much he says he likes her and that wait for it he and his wife are like brother and sister and she doesn't understand him hmm.
Mil has expressed very strong opinions about affairs in relation to others, but seems to think this is ok?
Dh says she wants to talk with me about it when we meet for lunch next week.
Wibu to point out her general views on this subject ( and mine) or should I just smile and shut up?!

diddl Sun 12-Jan-14 11:18:54

Sorry, I hadn't noticed the three years.

So he got in touch soon aftered she was widowed, they've been in touch for three yrs(?) & she is about to meet him.

I'd have to tell her what I thought if asked tbh.

KurriKurri Sun 12-Jan-14 11:22:50

If his wife doesn't understand him and they are like brother and sister why hasn't he left her? Decent people end one relationship before they start another one.
He is using every cheater cliche in the book. And he wants to have his cake and eat it.

By conspiring with him in this deceit your MIL is going to be a cause of hurt to someone. Either his wife - who probably has no idea and will be devastated if she finds out, or your mIL herself when it turns out he wantsto try out two women and then choose which one he wants - it may not be her. This man can;t commit to his wife and he can;t commit to your MIL - he wants both, so he is using both women for his own selfish desires.

Even if he does leave his wife for your MIL - this is a man who is a liar and a cheat, and that wont change, it means that at his core he has no moral compass,so he will hurt you MIL at some point sooner or later.

I would let my feelings be known about this particular liason, whilst encouraging your MIL to go on other dates with available men on a friendly basis so that she can find the happiness and companionship she is looking for.

needtonamechangejustforthis Sun 12-Jan-14 11:27:02

I am a regular who has name changed just for this thread.

I found out my father was having an affair recently. Similar age to your mil. He told his ow (who is single) that his marriage was over and that he was separated etc. The usual crap. I can not begin to tell you the heartache and hurt that has been caused to my mother, my brother, the grandchildren, my fathers brother and his family. The affair has far reaching consequences. The trust is gone, the man who you loved and thought was your hero your whole life is not who you thought they were. The complete anger and rage I feel at how my mother has been treated is overwhelming. I can't even cry - I am beyond that. My mother is broken. I am hoping that time is a healer.

I blame my father 100% but then ow found out that he was still married and yet she still persisted to call him and meet him and convince him that leaving a marriage of 43 years was the right thing to do. She should have walked away and never looked back.

I can not leave this thread without saying my piece. Any woman who has a relationship with a man who she knows is married is imo a terrible person who is morally bankrupt. My father is too. I know that - he knows that. But if I could speak to ow I would be so angry with her and would just plead with her to realise that she is involved in the destruction of not just one relationship - that of my father and mother, but also that of father and daughter and father and son. I can never look at my father in the same way again. I am trying to forgive - we all are yet ow seems oblivious to what she has been involved in.

YOur mil needs to WALK AWAY NOW. This is no basis for a meaningful relationship.

DuchessofKirkcaldy Sun 12-Jan-14 11:40:45

The first letter arrived around 4-5 months after fil died. Other letters have appeared sporadically since then. The first we knew they had been in contact was just before xmas. One of her kitchen appliances had broken down, we offered to take her to get a new one. She replied " thanks, but x is taking me".
She has no need to run any decision by me ( or anyone else) but I do love her. I met dh very young so have known her most of my life. I dont think it would be natural not to worry.
namechange sorry to hear about your family. My views on extramarital affairs mirror yours.

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