MIL is an OW! AIBU to tell her i disapprove?

(54 Posts)
DuchessofKirkcaldy Sun 12-Jan-14 01:16:18

Backstory. Mil and I have always got on well. Mil is early 60s.Fil passed away 3 years ago (cancer).
Shortly after Fil died, mil recieved a letter fron an old male school friend. It stated that he had always been in love with her and had heard about fils passing.
Dh and I immediately decided to check him out as best we could as it all seemed a little fishy.We couldn't however find anything untoward.
This week mil has told dh that they are going on a date (no problem with that,she still deserves to live her life).She explained how much he says he likes her and that wait for it he and his wife are like brother and sister and she doesn't understand him hmm.
Mil has expressed very strong opinions about affairs in relation to others, but seems to think this is ok?
Dh says she wants to talk with me about it when we meet for lunch next week.
Wibu to point out her general views on this subject ( and mine) or should I just smile and shut up?!

MsAspreyDiamonds Sun 12-Jan-14 10:01:57

Warn her & your dh that it is most likely to be a inheritance scam. It adds up, a recently widowed woman & a bloke from 30 yrs ago professing his undying love. Plus he has a sibling wife & expects your mil to accept this. The possibility that he may be interested in anything that your mil has inherited from your fil should not be ignored. Tell your dh is inheritance is at risk, that might wake him up!

DuchessofKirkcaldy Sun 12-Jan-14 10:08:19

I really think she is going to get hurt. Dh spoke to her on the phone this morning and said she was like a schoolgirl. He still believes its just 2 friends having a bite to eat and tells me its no different to going out with her female friends.( He also pointed out that I have a close male friend from work and I regularly have lunch with him, usually at the on-site cafe where we work. I knew his ex wife well and also socialise with his new partner. DH knows him well.I dont really think this is the same as no undying love has been declared, only a shared unusual hobby) We are meeting up with Mil today for Sunday pub lunch but nothing will be said as her Mil is coming too.
She still does a lot for her.
Think I will gauge the situation and see what she says during the week

fedup21 Sun 12-Jan-14 10:08:51

Yes, agree with the others. DH needs to wake up a bit!

Why does your mil want to speak to you about it?

tilliebob Sun 12-Jan-14 10:12:39

Nothing much to add, just that I love the name. Still haven't been in the Duchess of Kirkcaldy despite being in the toon at least three times a week wink

Iamsparklyknickers Sun 12-Jan-14 10:15:14

I think you need to broach it quite neutrally and softly if you can, you can't let her get defensive over it - I've seen too many people too proud to go back to their friends/family or put an end to a situation because they can't face the 'told you so's.

If you can plant the seeds for her to mull over in private without losing face she's much more likely to keep an open dialogue with you should it all go tits up.

The 'she doesn't understand me' line is so old and cliché, but it works because in the moment both parties want to believe that their justified and it lets them ignore the reality of what their doing. As a stand alone line it's whiny and immature.

DuchessofKirkcaldy Sun 12-Jan-14 10:16:18

I don't know really.I just got half a message from dh.
Dh is an only child so she has no daughters of her own and her dsis is ill at the moment. I think she just wants a friendly ear and maybe a blessing?
Perhaps she wants to win me round so I can work on Dh.
I wont know for sure until I see her

DuchessofKirkcaldy Sun 12-Jan-14 10:19:49

tilliebob They stole my name! I had it first grin
Pop in if you can it's v nice.
I still miss it as Nicols though. shows age

Iamsparklyknickers Sun 12-Jan-14 10:20:26

Actually, having someone there to prevent the subject being talked about openly might work in your favour. If you can steer conversations to subjects that mirror elements of the situation it's an opportunity to get her thinking.

It all needs to be subtle obviously, but if you can manage it, it's not a bad way to get her thinking realistically.

I suppose after being married for so long, her feelings now are very much like young love. The need to be with someone is stronger than the need to take care of self preservation, and that's what gets taken advantage of.

DuchessofKirkcaldy Sun 12-Jan-14 10:25:54

Yes sparklyknickers that may work. I will need to get dh on board as may end up with bruised shins under the table.

diddl Sun 12-Jan-14 10:26:13

"Shortly after Fil died, mil recieved a letter fron an old male school friend. It stated that he had always been in love with her and had heard about fils passing."

That is just bleurgh/stalky/innappropriate & for that alone she shouldn't be going.

tilliebob Sun 12-Jan-14 10:32:17

<off topic again>

Yeah, I had my hen night in Nicols/ Mammia Mia's pizzeria!

(Decades ago.....wink)

ilovesooty Sun 12-Jan-14 10:35:37

I'm a bit worried by your need to check him out when she got the letter. She's early 60s, hardly old. Does she run everything by you? Doesn't she make any of her own life decisions?

CalamitouslyWrong Sun 12-Jan-14 10:38:53

I feel for your MIL. The old school friend sounds dubious and somewhat predatory. A 'misunderstood' married man writing to recently bereaved widow to express feelings for her sounds a lot like targeting a woman while she's vulnerable. I can't see how she could come out of it not hurt.

I think, if it were my MIL, my DH would be livid because the old friend sounds like an arse.

Mollydoggerson Sun 12-Jan-14 10:52:28

What's in it for her?

Does she fancy him or is it an ego boost? What is she going to get out of it?

Can she meet him in public or have any type of public relationship with him?

I think the advice should be, she should tread carefully. If he means what he says why doesn't he separate from his sister-wife and be free to do as he wishes?

As for the inheritance, you don't want to insult your MIL, presumably she is clever enough not to share any money with random men. I would be cautious about telling her the school friend is just after her for her money, there doesn't seem to be any basis for that extrapolation from the info you have given. Secondly she is not looking for financial advice, so I would be careful on that front. Her money is her money and for her to decide what to do with it. (you don't want to appear grabby).

Iamsparklyknickers Sun 12-Jan-14 10:53:53

Ilovesooty, I was thinking it was more to do with looking out for someone grieving and lonely, who's spent a long time nursing their partner. It takes it's toll emotionally doesn't it and can skew peoples perspective.

When it's someone you love, you probably do poke your nose in to try and prevent them getting hurt, I couldn't sit back and do nothing if I had an option not to for the sake of not annoying them.

Not so much to do with age.

Cocolepew Sun 12-Jan-14 10:55:41

If the man has said he has always loved her and they are going in a date why does DH insist it is just friends meeting for coffee? It's obvious it is more than that.
If yourr fil died from something like absestos poisoning, then people will know there would have been compensation paid out.

I would tell her how I feel if asked. It sounds like he's out to fleece her sad

ilovesooty Sun 12-Jan-14 10:57:51

Sparkly point taken. To be fair it sounds as though she has little confidence in her own decision making and I think that's rather sad. She's not going to live her own life in any meaningful sense without developing that.

ilovesooty Sun 12-Jan-14 10:59:53

Perhaps the OP s husband isn't as naturally suspicious as some of the posters here.

GhoulWithADragonTattoo Sun 12-Jan-14 11:06:38

I would be very wary about this. It is natural that your MIL would start dating again (3 years is not that recent a bereavement so no concern for me in that respect). However, dating a married man is wrong by most people's standards and by my your MIL's previous standards. I would have no qualms saying this. Also the fact your MIL has some money from FIL's payout would make me very suspicious that financial motives lay at the root of this. That would be worst that extra marital romantic ones as far as I'm concerned. I'd definitely let her know your views and concerns. She may not like it but she may thank you later if he tries to get his hand on her or her money.

ilovesooty Sun 12-Jan-14 11:09:08

I'd be interested in who defined it as a date in the first place.

TBH would be of benefit to get the OP's DH to read this thread?

Not something I normally suggest, but really my alarms bells are all ringing over this one.

- Letter from friend declaring love soon after FIL died
- A married man who's "misunderstood" by his wife what a cliché
- A large payout as compensation after FIL dies of cancer. Compensation for these cancers are common knowledge these days.

To me this just adds up to a bloke who's intentions are not very nice. I would be very surprised if this bloke's wife agrees with his description of their marriage.

And I think the DH needs to know that yes, people in their 60s do indeed shag, courtesy of my mum's chats that contain TMI.

MistressDeeCee Sun 12-Jan-14 11:12:41

To be honest I think Id smile and shut up. Whilst I know having an affair isnt appropriate - its none of your business OP. I suppose Id say different if this was 2 mates talking but as its your MIL, your husband's mother, I just feel its overstepping a boundary somehow. The dynamics are somehow wrong in terms of whats to be discussed..she's a grown lady, not of your generation and not of your own mother. Perhaps Im being unfair..Im not sure...but either way it just doesnt seem right. Also a bit of TMI really, seems strange your MIL would confide in you as opposed to friends of her own peer group. Im guessing she doesnt have many, or is lonely? Its a shame if thats the case but still, Id be wary of coming across disapproving or judgmental...

Iamsparklyknickers Sun 12-Jan-14 11:13:56

Whose husband/partner ever is grin?

I think I would be concerned like the OP, that being taken for a ride will knock whatever confidence she has left and ruin things for her for a long time after.

Personal observation and pure amateur speculation, but I have noticed people on their own after a long marriage or relationship seem surprised that not everyone behaves/thinks the way their last partner did. It's almost like they're so tuned in to the person they felt they knew inside out that anyone they grow to like will fit into that mould - they don't realise they're squashing them in there and ignoring the blatant individual in front of them.

Subtly is the way to go, I'm a big fan of letting people come to their own conclusions, but if you can get them to think about things from a different angle then at least you can reassure yourself. A lot of people will go away and mull things over in private.

Until there is some sort of 100% factual evidence, you can't go bowling in to 'protect' her. Either you'll be way off the mark, or she won't accept your interpretation.

MistressDeeCee Sun 12-Jan-14 11:14:37

Change of mind - I think I would tell her - IF asked - but I would be very diplomatic. & my reason for advising would be her wellbeing. I wouldnt want my MIL to be (possibly) taken advantage of Id want to let her know she could do far better for herself than get entangled with another woman's husband.

Iamsparklyknickers Sun 12-Jan-14 11:16:18

OP, how would the suggestion of meeting up with MiL and her friend for dinner go down?

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