to ask you how to support my grief stricken mum?

(31 Posts)
Impatientwino Sat 11-Jan-14 22:30:02

Right, sorry for the misplaced thread but blatantly posting for traffic. Hope that's ok.

My lovely DM decided to move her own DM in around 8 years ago and has been her sole carer for all that time.

My grandma was already 90 when she came to live with my DM and DF and has been deteriorating since June, has been and out of hospital, caught pneumonia, cleared the infection surprising all the doctors and finally died at Christmas aged 98. She was an amazing person. Her funeral was yesterday and bam, my DM is now totally floored. She is completely mentally and physically exhausted. As I would expect she had been hanging on for months now keeping it together until the funeral but has now just taken to her bed, no energy, exhausted etc

I knew it would happen but I just wondered if anyone else out there has been through something similar and could suggest how I help my DM as she currently feels like she has no purpose, no commitments etc- her life for the last 8 years has been about my grandma and because grandma was at a stage in her life where she required 24 hour care DM hasn't been away in years, has never put herself first or done what she wants to do.

I don't want to rush my mum into anything so wondered if someone has been in DMs position and could offer advice of what to do and what not to do. I think if I offer holiday brochures and talk about freedom she would be upset so am trying to be a bit sensitive.

Thanks for reading, I know it's a bit long 🍷🍷

Impatientwino Sat 11-Jan-14 22:32:21

Sorry that jumble at the bottom was supposed to be a wine glass icon!

LucyLasticBand Sat 11-Jan-14 22:34:32

oh sad for your poor mum.

holidays seem a bit major. small steps i would ahve thought. just out for a walk perhaps. or trips to the library. clubs.

LucyLasticBand Sat 11-Jan-14 22:35:42

can you make her feel that you or your dc need her?

Adeleh Sat 11-Jan-14 22:36:56

Sorry for your loss, OP. you sound like a lovely daughter. Do you live near our Mum? If so I'd suggest little and often with pampering treats. Take her out for a nice lunch. Arrange a hairdo for her. Buy her some lovely bath things ( baths v comforting for grief). Cook for her one evening, and take round light, gentle DVD. She will be too overwhelmed and exhausted or much more for a while. But getting away from things for an hour or two may seem more manageable than a trip away. And look after yourself too. You're all grieving. thanks

Adeleh Sat 11-Jan-14 22:37:28

Your Mum.

GoofyIsACow Sat 11-Jan-14 22:37:53

I am in a very similar situation OP and i am sorry for your loss, my Grandma died over christmas and DM did much of her care.
DM however has been on holidays in that time so perhaps not as full on as your situation.

My advice is, let her rest, give her a week to sleep and keep warm and grieve, let her drink hot sweet tea and just rest.

Then perhaps suggest a holiday or a few days away, even just a day out.

For now, let her rest.

thanks smile

cozietoesie Sat 11-Jan-14 22:38:30

Keep the house clean (ish), put tasty but easily nibbled things in the fridge and let her sleep. See what things are like in a week or two.

(And be around a bit while she's in bed if you can - just in the house doing things but not crowding her.)

Impatientwino Sat 11-Jan-14 22:38:36

Well Lucy, we (dh, ds and me) are currently living with them because we sold our house and our new house hasn't gone through yet so we are getting in her way every day which is helping

LucyLasticBand Sat 11-Jan-14 22:39:27

perhaps she needs space to grieve.?

LucyLasticBand Sat 11-Jan-14 22:39:46

i dont mean move out. just stay out of her way?

thegreylady Sat 11-Jan-14 22:41:19

She needs spoiling with a couple of days in bed with light meals and books/magazines and she needs her dgc, if available, to sit on her bed and chatter. She needs you toook at photos with her and talk about how amazing her dm was and what wonderful memories she can share with dgc. It takes a while but 98 is a great age and death is an inevitablepart of life.

OpalQuartz Sat 11-Jan-14 22:43:16

When she feels up to it could you take her out somewhere like a nat trust place? The gentle exercise, lovely gardens and fresh air and tea and cake in the tea shop might be nice for her and do her good. Perhaps work up to a night away in a b &b to get away from home where she cared for her mum

Impatientwino Sat 11-Jan-14 22:44:44

We are trying to give her space to just be - our toddler is like a Duracell bunny so we took him out all day today so she can rest. She is actually sleeping in my grandmas bedroom sad so obviously is trying to be close to her mum.

We are close so I'm hoping she will be honest when she needs space or quiet etc

OpalQuartz Sat 11-Jan-14 22:47:16

I think it's lovely that they had such a great relationship and you in turn have the same with your mum by the way.

fridayfreedom Sat 11-Jan-14 22:47:24

Our local community services has a carers service and they run groups and have counsellors for people who have moved on from being a full time carer. There may be something like that in your area.

LucyLasticBand Sat 11-Jan-14 22:48:42

or you could ring cruse, bereavement service, though of course it is early days yet but theymight give you pointers

Impatientwino Sat 11-Jan-14 22:49:54

Thanks opal - my mum is truly amazing - she is the most selfless person I have ever met.

Impatientwino Sat 11-Jan-14 22:50:45

Thanks Friday - I will look up the carers service and see if there is something local

Impatientwino Sat 11-Jan-14 22:52:19

Thanks Lucy, will look them up

ALittleFaith Sat 11-Jan-14 22:56:04

My Dad did group bereavement counselling through our local hospice when Mum died. He found it really helpful. After you've done the bereavement course they have a social group. He's even volunteered and support the bereavement group himself since. That's worth looking into.

Impatientwino Sat 11-Jan-14 22:58:55

You know when you feel sad or you need help with a situation and you go and ask your mum? Well, I can't because its my mum I need help with? That feels really strange!

LucyLasticBand Sat 11-Jan-14 23:00:25

perhaps you could say, How can I help?
would she be in shock,
grief affects people in different ways.

Impatientwino Sat 11-Jan-14 23:07:41

I think she is in shock, you're right. I know it sounds silly because my grandma was 98 but I think it honestly came as a shock (in its own right) every time she got ill she got better so when in the last 6 months every week it just got worse and worse I think she was expecting it to get better

cozietoesie Sat 11-Jan-14 23:08:56

I think that my main immediate concern would be that she's likely physically exhausted. In a week or so of you all giving her the 'space to be' (and I think that's a good instinct of yours) she should be improving physically. I reckon that's the first step.

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